i forgot about this blog. my sister just messaged me and asked me for a good blogging platform and i remembered that i had a blog.  it's been over 2 years, my last post was on Jun 23 2015! 

and sadly, i never made it to 120 lbs. but i haven't given up either.  the unfortunate thing is i let go and gained more than i lost and now i am back at the 180s.  but there is a part of me that is looking forward to this challenge.  i know i didn't get to my goal, but i have become much wiser.  

i know that not all things are about end goals. i know this and appreciate the idea that it should be more about the journey than the end destination.  reading my past posts, not all of them and not in all its entirety - i can sense the urgency and desperation in my voice.  i did not care about what i was doing today or if i was enjoying the process. instead, i focused on getting to the end site as soon as humanely and unhumanely possible.  

that is the difference now. i want to put much more emphasis on enjoying the here and now.  i got laid off this week.  and i suspect i will have some time before getting my next job and i am grateful for finding this blog again.  i want to blog daily and start this little goal of mine again. it's worth the second chance. i just had a deja vu. i have a good feeling about this ^_^

to the stars, 

uma

her direction.

in the right direction.

i am back at 150 - it took me over 2 year to get to the 130's. i am not exactly sure how that happened - well i do. i stopped exercising, counting calories, and even writing here. there is a part of me that just wants to give up. that part of me argues that this is a useless feat, i will never succeed nor will any of it make a difference. there is another part of me that just doesn't want to give up: that part of me argues that i deserve this.  i have to keep trying even if i fail.

i do deserve this and i am committed to make this work.  today i am a bit lost and just don't know how or where to start.


to the stars,

uma

she binged.

she let it go. 

after class i went to spring rolls with bff and binged and good sushi, miso soup and mango salad - it was all you can eat. so you can imagine the amount of food. then i came home had a french vanilla, 1 mini srilankan patty, rotti with potato and green tea, and a merci chocolate bar and a mini yogurt and half a bagel with cream cheese and tomato.  i binged.  i wasn't all that hungry. i was just restless and mostly directionless.  so i ate.  i always resort to food at moments like these.  i don't know what makes food so enticing to me - but it's my most comfortable thing to do when i have nothing to do. 

i have to stop. 

but first i will forgive myself.  

i have to commit to something other than eating.  if i feel directionless i should just take any old direction.  because slowly numbing myself will not help. and drowning myself in food will not be better than any purposeful direction.  i will figure things out.  but i will not resort to food.  

to the stars, 

uma

taste.

collect moments not things.

i am used to inhaling my food.  sometimes i get up from the table with an empty plate not really sure if i had actually eaten the food.  it almost seemed more plausible that someone had swiped it off my plate.  that's how mindlessly i ate.  

today i learned something new.  we often eat fast to chase taste.  i wish i knew how to describe this better, but i really really made much sense to me.  the first bite is the most appetizingly pleasing, given you were hungry to begin with.  as you keep eating the taste factor starts to diminish and in that same capacity some of us (me) start to race and try to extend the taste by eating things faster.  and in turn, i often eat past fullness and satisfaction. 

i learned this today with Thingenius with Josie Spinardi.  Unbelievably simple, but when put into practice it just makes so much sense.  I was eating amazing pizza from Boston Pizza - I was, unlike me, slowly enjoying each slice and by the second slice I sensed that I wasn't enjoying the pizza as that first bite so I just stopped eating.  I didn't try to inhale as much food in less than 5 seconds and I didn't try to over stuff myself either -which were the two likely scenarios.  I just stopped and it felt so good.  I hope I am walking down the right path.  


to the stars, 

uma

self-control.

the difference between want and need is self-control. 

what is self-control?  i think of it as mind over matter. your mind is in control of the situation.  i don't know how i would grade my self-control - it's a bit jaded at the moment.  

i feel this strong disconnect with my body. the disconnect is especially strong and distorted when it comes to feeling full, food cravings, and this constant need to eat/nourish. even when i am not hungry.  i don't know where it comes from.  it's this anxious feeling.  obviously there is something troubling me but i can't pin-point exactly what it is.  maybe there are many issues and thus, it becomes harder to factor a single issue.  

there is constant urgency to eat. i eat to change my mood - i know this. but i rather fix the problem rather than tip toe around it.  i really need to heal myself.  until then i just have to take things slowly and gently.  i have a feeling once i sort out the underlying issues, food will no longer play such a pivotal role with my emotions and my self-control.


to the stars, 

uma

chapter 2.

Nourish the Soul.

i can't remember the last time i felt that i have really worked towards my fitness goals. it's been hard emotionally and it seemed like i have been spiraling downwards rather than moving towards my goals.  i gained at least 15 lbs.  i am sad. but not hopeless. 

i want to change course. i want to get back on track. and i will. i am confident. and this time i will not stop till i get to the end.  i promise.  

first things first - this week till the end of Sunday I am going to focus on eating.  I might even focus on eating till the end of next week.  what does this mean - i need to figure out breakfast, lunch and salad.  i will only eat fruits as snacks nothing else. except maybe vegetables.  

i've been eating like crazy at work - it's not good. in fact it's been super bad.  i don't know what to take to work. i am thinking that tuesday to thursday i will have only Subway.  and then Monday and Friday i fast - so that won't be an issue. dinners will strictly be salads.  i heard some people eat a bag of salad like chips. that sounds a bit crazy to me - even though i did finish a whole box of Godiva, which should register me as more crazy.  maybe my mental faculties will become more in tact once i get back on track. who know's maybe i'll be eating a bag salad in the near future.  

okay back to planning food - it sounds so easy. fruits, salad, subway and vegetables. why is it so hard?! i am constantly craving sweets and warm bread and cheesy gooyness and creamy stuff.  these are the things that my body naturally craves for.  correction these are the things my appetite craves.  but this is also where self-control is lacking on my part.  my cravings will no longer rule me, especially not make me eat horrible food.  

i have to get back to taking pictures of my food that really helped and writing down what i ate.  i can do this.  okay re-cap of meal plan: 

1. breakfast, lunch and salad
2. breakfast can be fruits
3. lunch can be Subway
4. dinner has to be salad
5. take picture of food
6. drinks will have to be warm/hot
7. drinks can only be water and plain teas
8. 800 calorie limit per day
9. drink at least one litre of water a day
10. forgive myself when i fail

fingers crossed. chapter 2 begins. 

to the stars, 

uma

thirsty.

Mind Your Body 

i've been drinking regularly for a good month now. all one litre a day (for the most part). and i noticed something today - i crave water.  it's weird because in my mind water is not delicious or yummy. and it's not a food i crave like i do bread or chocolate or warm milk tea. but today i craved water.  it was weird.  

it got me thinking that if i ate healthy food for thirty days straight - would i "crave" healthy food? or what if i exercised religiously for a month and a half, would i yearn to exercise? and then it got me thinking: does junk work the same way? and i can honestly say that it doesn't.  i had the great pleasure of being succumbed to huge quantities of the world's best loved chocolates for a month: Lindt, Ferrero Rocher, Merci and Kinder Minis and let me tell you that i can hardly fathom the sight of any of these delicacies much less consume them after my month long binge. 

so miraculously the month of junk makes me avert the bad stuff and the month of water got me craving it.  it makes me think that our bodies are much more intelligently designed than we often give it credit for.  we are too often lectured that it's mind over matter, but sometimes the matter is a lot more apt on the better choices than our willpower.  i am gonna start eating an apple a day and see how that goes :)

to the stars, 

uma