her direction.

in the right direction.

i am back at 150 - it took me over 2 year to get to the 130's. i am not exactly sure how that happened - well i do. i stopped exercising, counting calories, and even writing here. there is a part of me that just wants to give up. that part of me argues that this is a useless feat, i will never succeed nor will any of it make a difference. there is another part of me that just doesn't want to give up: that part of me argues that i deserve this.  i have to keep trying even if i fail.

i do deserve this and i am committed to make this work.  today i am a bit lost and just don't know how or where to start.


to the stars,

uma

she binged.

she let it go. 

after class i went to spring rolls with bff and binged and good sushi, miso soup and mango salad - it was all you can eat. so you can imagine the amount of food. then i came home had a french vanilla, 1 mini srilankan patty, rotti with potato and green tea, and a merci chocolate bar and a mini yogurt and half a bagel with cream cheese and tomato.  i binged.  i wasn't all that hungry. i was just restless and mostly directionless.  so i ate.  i always resort to food at moments like these.  i don't know what makes food so enticing to me - but it's my most comfortable thing to do when i have nothing to do. 

i have to stop. 

but first i will forgive myself.  

i have to commit to something other than eating.  if i feel directionless i should just take any old direction.  because slowly numbing myself will not help. and drowning myself in food will not be better than any purposeful direction.  i will figure things out.  but i will not resort to food.  

to the stars, 

uma

taste.

collect moments not things.

i am used to inhaling my food.  sometimes i get up from the table with an empty plate not really sure if i had actually eaten the food.  it almost seemed more plausible that someone had swiped it off my plate.  that's how mindlessly i ate.  

today i learned something new.  we often eat fast to chase taste.  i wish i knew how to describe this better, but i really really made much sense to me.  the first bite is the most appetizingly pleasing, given you were hungry to begin with.  as you keep eating the taste factor starts to diminish and in that same capacity some of us (me) start to race and try to extend the taste by eating things faster.  and in turn, i often eat past fullness and satisfaction. 

i learned this today with Thingenius with Josie Spinardi.  Unbelievably simple, but when put into practice it just makes so much sense.  I was eating amazing pizza from Boston Pizza - I was, unlike me, slowly enjoying each slice and by the second slice I sensed that I wasn't enjoying the pizza as that first bite so I just stopped eating.  I didn't try to inhale as much food in less than 5 seconds and I didn't try to over stuff myself either -which were the two likely scenarios.  I just stopped and it felt so good.  I hope I am walking down the right path.  


to the stars, 

uma

meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

gone with the wind

"if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"

if there is one thing that this weight loss journey has taught me, it's that i can't live life passively.  i have let life pass me by.  i have hardly ever been a "by the reins" type of girl, i usually go where the wind takes me.  i don't fuss much & it takes a lot to faze me.  don't get me wrong, i've always had dreams and desires but i just never really went out of my way to seek these out.  if i want to make this weight loss a reality i can't keep on living in such a way where i take what i get.  i need to set out a plan and get what i want.  


i've gotten so much better at being more goal-oriented in the last few years, but there is still a long way to go. it both excites and saddens me.  i feel like i lost a lot of valuable time, but i can't get myself into knot regretting - there: 30 seconds alotted for self pity. and.... done! time to get back up, dust myself and keep moving forward.  


i really need to work on meal planning, even if i stay within my calories - i still feel that i am not getting enough greens.  this will take conscious pre-planning on my part.  i was supposed to go the gym today as per my plan, but then i psyched myself out by reading an article claiming that runners need off days too and that they are subject to tearing this and that by continuous daily exercising.  i worked out for two days in a row and i can't believe i read an article and decided that i needed a day off! not impressed -_-


i am also going to be working with 4 hrs of sleep today, that was another convenient excuse for me to skip the gym.  i had a really scary and disturbing dream that woke me up at 4am, after dozing off at 1.  in my dream my face broke out in white blisters, something about sami being mad at me - like in ambal varutham.  it was quite disturbing, my friend said that i need to be more committed spiritually - oddly enough i have been slacking off.  i used to pray almost everyday, but the last couple of years i have somehow detached myself spiritually.  


i also need to take more control over my sleep, meaning i need to get in eight hours of sleep for a functional day. all in all more action, less reaction.   


to the stars, 


uma

intense desires

"mistakes are proof that you are trying"

i want to do this. but then i question my motive. i question the depth of my desire to do this.  why do i want to be 120 lbs: 


- to gain confidence
- to have a fashionable and trendy wardrobe
- to be more physically active 
- to have no physical limitations
- to feel healthy 
- to feel respected
- to feel admired
- to feel like "myself" 
- to feel visible


is this enough? are these reasons inspiring? are they enough to see me through the next 30 lbs? so far they haven't been.  maybe i am not reiterating these reasons to myself at the required intensity.  maybe i am not passionate about these reasons. what is the alternative? 


- to feel fat
- to squirm every time i have to see a picture of myself 
- to feel unworthy of love & admiration
- to feel disrespected
- to feel ignored 
- to feel judged and undervalued
- to feel suffocated beneath the mass of my skin, that feeling of being buried alive
- to feel like physically everything is impossible, or that i would look comical (ie. dancing)
- to love and admire fashion from afar, but never feel worthy of it
- to feel amiss and unmotivated to move to live to work ... to do anything


these reasons are much more powerful motives, yet they leave me uninspired still.  the negatives just make me feel like i am running away, without much direction.  direction is wanting something, it is knowing your destination and walking with purpose and conviction.  


i need to want this. to desire this. to feel it. i want to taste 120 lbs the same way one's mouth salivates upon hearing someone utter ones favorite dish. i want to want 120 lbs with such intensity.  i want to believe that 120 lbs is where i want to be, because at this very moment i don't want it that "bad", partially due to laziness and partially due to low self-esteem. 


low self-esteem? yes! 


low self-esteem, because somewhere along my life i told myself that i am okay with being fat, disrespected, ignored, judged, undervalued, suffocated, etc. i told myself that i could bear self-resentment and mediocre living.  i told myself that i would survive life living like this. 


so this is what i have to change. my belief system.  i have to tell myself and truly believe that i deserve better. in every way possible. that i will be happy and that's okay.  i have to look forward to wanting something and truly believing that i can attain it.  that happiness exists, and not only in a mediocre way.  i have to believe that a good life exists and i deserve it and it's in my hands to drive that kind of a life. there is so much work to be done. 




to the stars, 


uma