oVer stiMuLated nErVouS syStEm

“The more consciousness you bring into your body the stronger your immune system becomes”

without getting too caught up into the science of things, i recently noticed that i cannot watch TV while exercising.  when i was younger i figured that reading in a moving vehicle brought nausea and severe headaches.    taking the TTC to work i realized that if i sat parallel to the moving landscape i can read without any major issues. so i just couldn't handle my eyes reading one direction while things were moving in another direction around me.  in the last two years i realize that coffee gives me the jitters, anxiety and anger issues.  i don't drink pop, if i do, i can't go to sleep.  i can't have too much sugar. 

most days and hours i need to constantly pre-occupy my mind with facts, mindless or otherwise.  like for example today, i read up on the kim dotcom situation (all 10 articles written on different angles of the situation), SOPA, anti-piracy stances, Bill Clinton's lawer, brown adipose tissue (3 different journal studies), nasal breathing techniques, green tea, caffeine content and it's effects, yoga, a bunch of weight loss blogs, etc. -- all within a matter of a few hours.  i think i probably went through 3 dozen articles within the span of 4 hours while doing work related stuff.  maybe add ADD on that list as well...

the point is i know that i have an over stimulated mind, that easily feeds off any stimuli.  i learned that i need to learn to relax and take it easy. take it one step at a time.  how does this relate to weight loss? if i don't keep my mind in a linear focus i will lose myself in all this external chaos i purposely surround myself with.  i need to be at peace within myself so that i can see the finish line at all times, otherwise i will get lost and drift off course. maybe i need to add meditation to my daily todo's.   

om shanthi. om shanthi. om shanthi. 

to the stars, 

uma

gone with the wind

"if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"

if there is one thing that this weight loss journey has taught me, it's that i can't live life passively.  i have let life pass me by.  i have hardly ever been a "by the reins" type of girl, i usually go where the wind takes me.  i don't fuss much & it takes a lot to faze me.  don't get me wrong, i've always had dreams and desires but i just never really went out of my way to seek these out.  if i want to make this weight loss a reality i can't keep on living in such a way where i take what i get.  i need to set out a plan and get what i want.  


i've gotten so much better at being more goal-oriented in the last few years, but there is still a long way to go. it both excites and saddens me.  i feel like i lost a lot of valuable time, but i can't get myself into knot regretting - there: 30 seconds alotted for self pity. and.... done! time to get back up, dust myself and keep moving forward.  


i really need to work on meal planning, even if i stay within my calories - i still feel that i am not getting enough greens.  this will take conscious pre-planning on my part.  i was supposed to go the gym today as per my plan, but then i psyched myself out by reading an article claiming that runners need off days too and that they are subject to tearing this and that by continuous daily exercising.  i worked out for two days in a row and i can't believe i read an article and decided that i needed a day off! not impressed -_-


i am also going to be working with 4 hrs of sleep today, that was another convenient excuse for me to skip the gym.  i had a really scary and disturbing dream that woke me up at 4am, after dozing off at 1.  in my dream my face broke out in white blisters, something about sami being mad at me - like in ambal varutham.  it was quite disturbing, my friend said that i need to be more committed spiritually - oddly enough i have been slacking off.  i used to pray almost everyday, but the last couple of years i have somehow detached myself spiritually.  


i also need to take more control over my sleep, meaning i need to get in eight hours of sleep for a functional day. all in all more action, less reaction.   


to the stars, 


uma

the scale

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

i like the scale. well until it stopped working. okay fine, it works - just not the way i want it to though.  ideally, i would like to see a 30 lb drop in one week and be done with it forever. but lately all i get is up 2 lbs and down 2 lbs, up .4 lbs and down .1 lb. it's a tease. annoying. distressing. and boring.  


i like extremes. i don't like the middle way. i need things to move super fast or i get impatient, and then i lose interest. and so forth and so on till the goal at hand becomes unimportant.  i weigh myself everyday to no avail. if you've seen my progress report you'll see the super slow progress i've had in the last past 6 months.  it's super annoying. 


but to be quite fair i use & abuse the scale everyday, expecting some kind of miracle drop. i eat at a sushi buffet and then the next day i weigh myself expecting my body to have mysteriously not digested any calories. and then the next day i eat way below my BMR for one day and i weigh myself  expecting to see half my weight shed off the next day. at some innate level i know that this is unrealistic. yet i do this every day. it's become so habitual that it's like second nature. if only going to the gym and eating right had become such a natural extension of my personality. sigh. 


so it is what it is and i've eliminated "the scale". i promised myself that i am only going to weigh myself at each month end. which means that by the end of january which is practically in 10 days i will weigh myself, but till then i am gonna focus more on exercising and healthy eating. i am not going to wait for miracles to happen and i am certainly not going to expect for the laws of nature to bend in order to accelerate my weight loss without the due diligence.  so yes that's that. no more scale. 


to the stars, 


uma

intense desires

"mistakes are proof that you are trying"

i want to do this. but then i question my motive. i question the depth of my desire to do this.  why do i want to be 120 lbs: 


- to gain confidence
- to have a fashionable and trendy wardrobe
- to be more physically active 
- to have no physical limitations
- to feel healthy 
- to feel respected
- to feel admired
- to feel like "myself" 
- to feel visible


is this enough? are these reasons inspiring? are they enough to see me through the next 30 lbs? so far they haven't been.  maybe i am not reiterating these reasons to myself at the required intensity.  maybe i am not passionate about these reasons. what is the alternative? 


- to feel fat
- to squirm every time i have to see a picture of myself 
- to feel unworthy of love & admiration
- to feel disrespected
- to feel ignored 
- to feel judged and undervalued
- to feel suffocated beneath the mass of my skin, that feeling of being buried alive
- to feel like physically everything is impossible, or that i would look comical (ie. dancing)
- to love and admire fashion from afar, but never feel worthy of it
- to feel amiss and unmotivated to move to live to work ... to do anything


these reasons are much more powerful motives, yet they leave me uninspired still.  the negatives just make me feel like i am running away, without much direction.  direction is wanting something, it is knowing your destination and walking with purpose and conviction.  


i need to want this. to desire this. to feel it. i want to taste 120 lbs the same way one's mouth salivates upon hearing someone utter ones favorite dish. i want to want 120 lbs with such intensity.  i want to believe that 120 lbs is where i want to be, because at this very moment i don't want it that "bad", partially due to laziness and partially due to low self-esteem. 


low self-esteem? yes! 


low self-esteem, because somewhere along my life i told myself that i am okay with being fat, disrespected, ignored, judged, undervalued, suffocated, etc. i told myself that i could bear self-resentment and mediocre living.  i told myself that i would survive life living like this. 


so this is what i have to change. my belief system.  i have to tell myself and truly believe that i deserve better. in every way possible. that i will be happy and that's okay.  i have to look forward to wanting something and truly believing that i can attain it.  that happiness exists, and not only in a mediocre way.  i have to believe that a good life exists and i deserve it and it's in my hands to drive that kind of a life. there is so much work to be done. 




to the stars, 


uma