scared.

"every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again"

i just entered the 140s. i should be super excited and happy, but my bratty brain is like "how much longer till the next 2 lbs: 202,309,323 more months to go?" sarcastic, much?


i know progress has been moving at snail's pace, like super slow snail pace. i want to just push the fat off of a cliff already, but i just have to bite my tongue and be patient.  it really was a miracle that i am in the 140s as my food habits weren't perfect the last week.  i will try my best to improve them this week. and i think that's basically it, every week i will get better.  i just have to remind myself this.  


i still haven't made the gym a habit so that is something that i have to work on as well.  and i still need to learn how to cook. okay here are some short-term goals to focus on: 


1. daily journalling
2. preparing lunch for work 
3. eating under 1200 calories a day
4. exercising 5 times a week at the gym, 2 days at home
5. getting more knowledgeable about food


i hope i keep seeing a consistent loss every week, till my birthday and till i reach my UGW of 120 lbs.  i have much hope and fear.  hopefully hope will prevail. 




to the stars, 


uma 

happy food.

You must act as if it is impossible to fail.

~Ashanti Proverb~

i am going to go wanted to go grocery shopping today.  


i notice that when i leave my food choices to fate it ends up being really unhealthy by default.  so i've been doing alot of research on snacking and meals, and i am gonna stick to a "maximum 2 snacks a day, only if i need it" basis, and the traditional 3 meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner. 


i am going to do a one meal only type  fasting on Fridays. i was reading some articles on the occasional fasting, it is also something that is practiced religiously in my culture.  i remember last year i was doing this prayer, where i had to fast on consecutive tuesdays for however many weeks and i felt really good during that time.  


i really want to eliminate junk food, but i realize i am emotionally attached to this food because all through life i have celebrated the junk.  Think Birthday cakes, Dessert, Halloween treats, etc.  Every special occasion in most our lives involves splurging on junk.  What this is teaching me is that i have to build a lasting relationship with healthy food, in a similar celebratory manner.  i don't know exactly how i am going to do that, but I have to find a way.  i am good at drinking my green tea, i revere the time spent sipping on it - it gives me much peace and happiness.  i just have to incorporate other healthy foods in a similar way. 


everyone around me comments on how much my face has gotten slimmer.  i can almost see my left cheek dimple again.  i have a weigh in looming over me tomorrow - i hope i do good...




to the stars, 


uma

intense desires

"mistakes are proof that you are trying"

i want to do this. but then i question my motive. i question the depth of my desire to do this.  why do i want to be 120 lbs: 


- to gain confidence
- to have a fashionable and trendy wardrobe
- to be more physically active 
- to have no physical limitations
- to feel healthy 
- to feel respected
- to feel admired
- to feel like "myself" 
- to feel visible


is this enough? are these reasons inspiring? are they enough to see me through the next 30 lbs? so far they haven't been.  maybe i am not reiterating these reasons to myself at the required intensity.  maybe i am not passionate about these reasons. what is the alternative? 


- to feel fat
- to squirm every time i have to see a picture of myself 
- to feel unworthy of love & admiration
- to feel disrespected
- to feel ignored 
- to feel judged and undervalued
- to feel suffocated beneath the mass of my skin, that feeling of being buried alive
- to feel like physically everything is impossible, or that i would look comical (ie. dancing)
- to love and admire fashion from afar, but never feel worthy of it
- to feel amiss and unmotivated to move to live to work ... to do anything


these reasons are much more powerful motives, yet they leave me uninspired still.  the negatives just make me feel like i am running away, without much direction.  direction is wanting something, it is knowing your destination and walking with purpose and conviction.  


i need to want this. to desire this. to feel it. i want to taste 120 lbs the same way one's mouth salivates upon hearing someone utter ones favorite dish. i want to want 120 lbs with such intensity.  i want to believe that 120 lbs is where i want to be, because at this very moment i don't want it that "bad", partially due to laziness and partially due to low self-esteem. 


low self-esteem? yes! 


low self-esteem, because somewhere along my life i told myself that i am okay with being fat, disrespected, ignored, judged, undervalued, suffocated, etc. i told myself that i could bear self-resentment and mediocre living.  i told myself that i would survive life living like this. 


so this is what i have to change. my belief system.  i have to tell myself and truly believe that i deserve better. in every way possible. that i will be happy and that's okay.  i have to look forward to wanting something and truly believing that i can attain it.  that happiness exists, and not only in a mediocre way.  i have to believe that a good life exists and i deserve it and it's in my hands to drive that kind of a life. there is so much work to be done. 




to the stars, 


uma