meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

falling off the wagon.

"I've missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I've lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." 

~ Michael Jordan

i didn't go to the gym for three days in a row.  i read somewhere today that i should never let two consecutive days pass without going to the gym. i feel that i failed, and i feel that i haven't.  


day one of missing gym: i hadn't seen my boyfriend in a couple of days and he finally had some time to meet up so i had to sacrifice gym for relationship time. 


day 2 was missed because of an excessive shopping binge. i often feel that i don't have enough clothes, even though realistically i have enough clothes for an entire nations army.  yes, no exaggeration. sometimes i just like the feeling of brand new clothes. plus i really live by retail therapy. it just gives me this high. but i have to stop, because from a wallet point of view it's more damage than healing.  anyways four hours and 2 malls and 2 bills later i was too tired to go to the gym. 


day 3 - date night. fridays is date night, so i have to sacrifice gym time for relationship time. 


and now i am on day 4.  i am determined to go to the gym today even though i am in such sour mood. i always feel like i am in a crap mood when i haven't exercised.  this just gives me more reason to go to the gym.  i hope i will make the effort to go.  


i tried to convince my bf to come to the gym with me, but he refuses. so i have to work around going to the gym on the days that i see him, maybe i can do strength training at home on days that i see him.  sometimes it's hard to balance your life with someone, especially during weight loss mode.  i often get frustrated, but i guess i need to learn to make things work.


and i have to avoid the mall, unless i have an actual need.  food and shopping have always been my go to when i am feeling down.  maybe i need to journal my feelings rather than replace them with treats & calories and bling & the latest trends.  


gosh why can't this take less effort?


all i know is that i am NOT giving up. 




to the stars, 


uma

obsessed.

"it's never too late to change your life."

i admit i am super obsessed with weight loss. i can't help it. i feel trapped in the skin i stretched.  i've been waiting to come down on the scale into the 140's but it's been over a year and i am still stuck stubbornly in the 150s.  i need some kind of divine intervention bc it's obvious that i am unable to do it myself. 


i went to the gym four days in a row this week and every morning i step onto the scale with high anticipation that this will be the day that i break into the 140s, but i step off trying not to crush my self esteem after i see the same stubborn numbers.  i try really hard to be positive and to keep myself believing that i can overcome this, but i feel at a loss. 


i know my eating isn't perfect - but i have been under 1000 calories/day, actually closer to the 800 mark and it makes me really angry that nothing is affected. 


i just want to see the 140s so badly i don't want to end this year in the 150s. i would be super mad and discouraged if i don't get to that point by December 31st.  it's especially disheartening b/c i see all these wellness blogs and fitness sites confirm that it is possible to lose 2 pounds per week with the right exercise & diet - but so far i have been losing 2 pounds every four months or so. i don't understand what i am doing wrong.  it's so frustrating. 

all i know is that i don't want to give up - i don't want to stay at this point, i have to keep going because the alternative is not an option i am giving myself.  i know what giving up feels like, and it's not pretty - literally and figuratively.  so i will keep moving along, but i hope i can find some divine intervention to help me. i need it most right now. 

to the stars, 

uma