why i ate.

P.U.S.H.

i have free chocolate in my house.  i don't know what the concept free does to you, but free makes the unrestrained nut within me to come out.  all i can think about is the loads of savory chocolates sitting in my basement: lindor, ferrero, merci and kinder all in stacks and stacks of boxes.  i guess it's that feeling that once that box is done it's never gonna be filled again mentality that makes me want to devour everything in one gulp.  logic eludes me.  i was pleasantly full from well portioned breakfast of one slice of toast with jam and peanut butter and green tea. yet, when i came upstairs i literally gulped two ferrero rocher and 3 lindt chocolates in one sitting. and now i feel sick.  i think the car accident created this bit of anxiety within me to want to eat to feel taken care of.  it's silly and illogical to eat when i am not hungry - yet cravings are just insane.  i have to fix this mentality. my brain is blocked by the heaps of sugar i consumed and i have nothing more intelligent to share today. 

to the stars, 

uma

over-eating.

Find Your Strong 

i am totally guilty of over-eating. constantly i don't understand hunger-cues or use them for  that matter.  so today i watched a very revealing video on emotional over-eating - which can be accessed via josielenore i actually watched several of her videos and was pleasantly surprised at the very intuitive observations she provided on emotional over-eating.  

i think as Josie mentioned alot of my issues with over-eating stems from the simple restraints placed by a diet mentality.  labeling food as good or bad for starters is a great way to get me craving the untouchables.  i need to take food off labels and follow hunger cues, energy levels and the overall impact the food has on my mood, skin, digestion, cycles, etc. 

even checking in after an hour to see how i feel after eating a meal is something i never do.  i constantly am on constraint mode and then on binge mode to escape the restraints of my diet.  Josie takes on an experiential view on eating - going past the traditional "outside-in" nutritional data to a more intuitive experience on food.  every body is different so it makes sense that all of our bodies digest food differently as well. 

so today i let loose and let myself eat everything i wanted, but focused on how the food made me feel afterwards.  alot of it was as Josie said it would be - reactionary eating focused mostly on food that i restricted, but the difference was that i was more in tune with my body.  i never focused on how i felt - it was refreshing and surprising.  most of the yummy food that i reached out to made me feel sick, and i already feel one pimple forming on my otherwise clean skin.  i hope i get rid of this bad habit of overeating, i think it may be a small progress - but i will conquer this! what Josie made me realize the most today is that it's not a weak or strong thing - you just got find your "right".


to the stars, 

uma 

portions.

"Believe in yourself and all that you are.
Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

i just ate breakfast and i have already consume 545 calories.  its sickening and at the same time super shocking.  i had a whole grain croissant and a thin slice of harvati cheese and sugarless jam, oh and milk tea without sugar.  and i am already at 545 calories. sure i could be over-estimating but by maybe 100 calories or so, not like 250 calories (?!?!) which is what i am hoping it is. 

i have to control my portions - yesterday, i ate 1,236 calories of just junk. i know, shameful! so today i am on the lookout for any such slip-ups. so far so good.  also, my mom is what psychologists call a "food pusher" - defined loosely as someone who "who think(s)  food equals love and want to show love by feeding the people around them". I've been injured from running so I am hostage to her cooking and feeding for the past three days which is emotionally draining. 

I tend to opt for food when I am emotionally drained or just emotional.  Lately, I have been emotional too often.  I am trying to get out of this rut, hence why I am resuming blogging here - trying to ensure that I am aware of my feelings and I have an outlet for them.  Lately, my head has been full of negative thoughts - no one cares about me, my friends and family are self-centered, and i am a failure.  i need to change this mentality because at the end of the day this kind of thinking will only hurt me. i trying to digest positive articles and books until i detoxify this thinking. everything in portions, right?

to the stars, 

uma

the mind.

Strive for progress, not perfection.

this morning i had carrot cake, i scraped off the icing and filling and just ate the insides. and then i drank green tea - because my mind echoed that if i had a bad breakfast i could balance it with a healthy item.  i know this is the utmost bull, but yet i accepted this stupid logic and went with it.  322 calories of junk i consumed for breakfast. 

recently i have been feeling a bit on the down side. i've been super sensitive and super emotional. i cry at least three times a day.  and i don't feel content. i feel connected but discontent.  i feel like i face resistance everywhere i turn. resistance to my peace, happiness, and dreams. sometimes i am the resistance and other times it's loved ones and circumstances.  i am not patient by any means. i always want results yesterday.  but i want to attain my goals and i want to feel happy, so i am committed to be as patient as long as it takes.  my mind tells me that it will be eternity, but i know that's not true.  it will happen. i know it. and everyday is progress. 

to the stars, 

uma

Not forgotten.

   
“Nature does not hurry,
yet everything is accomplished.”

I don't know what it is but for the last couple months I have not been trying as hard to get to my goals.  I've been sadly doing everything to sabotage everything that I've accomplished so far.  I passed the 134 pound mark sometime in late June - now it's November and I am back at 143 pounds.  Tell me why such things happen.  I don't understand.  Yet, I know things have to change. Again. 

I am gonna start over from the beginning.  I joined the running room half marathon training.  I fell down pretty hard on my knees yesterday - had the whole ordeal: blood and swelling, the whole bit.  I want to keep running - it drives me to get stronger.  

Today I don't feel strong. I feel weak in mind and spirit and especially body.  I don't understand where I went wrong - but I know I have to change this mentality that I am keep succumbing to first.  I have a goal - I've had this goal for way longer than I meant to.  It's one of the first goals I've had since my childhood. To lose weight and be slim.  I am still working on this goal many many MANY years after.  It's been too many years past that I've held onto this dream - I need to make this a reality. 

I am back at square one.  I need to incorporate the following: 

1. Healthy Eating: 

Vegetables, Whole Grains, Fruits and WATER

2. Portions: 

Eat the right portions of food & eat it slowly

3. Movement: 

Resist the modern sedentary lifestyle

4. Mental Health:

Practice gratitude, positive thinking and believe in the good of things

5. Mental Strength: 

Identify opportunities to be strong and resist falling into bad habits

6. Consistency: 

Making an everyday effort and commit to creating a Healthy Lifestyle

7. Preparation: 

Pre-planning your day, co-create your life, or end up somewhere unwanted

8. Education: 

Study best practices, knowledge is power - to drive you when emotions struggle

9. Conscious Living: 

Record your day's meals & act's, understand your behavior & body - meditate!

10. Take care of your external body: 

Hair, SPF, moisturizer, massages, facials, makeup, style, good hygiene, etc. 

Breathe! 

to the stars, 

uma

Stagnant.

The mind is everything.
What you think, you become.

i haven't lost any weight since July. I am gonna go full force again starting tomorrow October 1st.  It will be my 90 Day Reverse Resolution :)

i kind of lost my motivation mid-July.  i could blame it on a million different reasons, causes, situations and people.  I rather take the ownership and say that i just didn't commit enough to my cause.  

i know consistency brings results so this is going to be my focus for the next 90 days:

1. absolutely no sugary desserts or junk food
2. pre-planning my meals every day

3. snacks = fruits and vegetables, nothing else

4. i will commit to 3 salads a week

5. 1L of water a day

6. exercise 60 minutes a day

7. buy one new outfit every two weeks

8. focus daily on body image and makeup and hair, etc. 

90 days is more than enough to kick off the last 20 pounds that seem hopelessly stuck to me.  Mind over Matter.  i will conquer and prevail.  

to the stars, 

uma

it's not impossible.

"Do you choose to simply know the path, or do you choose to walk it?"

i was down to 134 lbs and i freaked out and now i am back up to 140 lbs.  i don't know why i do the things that i do.  i love myself enough to commit to these last 20 lbs with a vengeance.  i can do this! i know i can.  

i am doing another challenge this month. 30 days of no junk and lots of exercise.  that should help right?  i hope so.  maybe i'll throw in some yoga, more running, add some green tea three times a day - what else??! i just want to get to the finish line already! 


i am proud of the consistency in my weight loss - 40 lbs lighter is quite the accomplishment i thinks! just 20 more lbs to go.  this is more than doable. i just have to be consistent. i have to be dedicated and driven.  it's not impossible. 


to the stars, 


uma