chapter 2.

Nourish the Soul.

i can't remember the last time i felt that i have really worked towards my fitness goals. it's been hard emotionally and it seemed like i have been spiraling downwards rather than moving towards my goals.  i gained at least 15 lbs.  i am sad. but not hopeless. 

i want to change course. i want to get back on track. and i will. i am confident. and this time i will not stop till i get to the end.  i promise.  

first things first - this week till the end of Sunday I am going to focus on eating.  I might even focus on eating till the end of next week.  what does this mean - i need to figure out breakfast, lunch and salad.  i will only eat fruits as snacks nothing else. except maybe vegetables.  

i've been eating like crazy at work - it's not good. in fact it's been super bad.  i don't know what to take to work. i am thinking that tuesday to thursday i will have only Subway.  and then Monday and Friday i fast - so that won't be an issue. dinners will strictly be salads.  i heard some people eat a bag of salad like chips. that sounds a bit crazy to me - even though i did finish a whole box of Godiva, which should register me as more crazy.  maybe my mental faculties will become more in tact once i get back on track. who know's maybe i'll be eating a bag salad in the near future.  

okay back to planning food - it sounds so easy. fruits, salad, subway and vegetables. why is it so hard?! i am constantly craving sweets and warm bread and cheesy gooyness and creamy stuff.  these are the things that my body naturally craves for.  correction these are the things my appetite craves.  but this is also where self-control is lacking on my part.  my cravings will no longer rule me, especially not make me eat horrible food.  

i have to get back to taking pictures of my food that really helped and writing down what i ate.  i can do this.  okay re-cap of meal plan: 

1. breakfast, lunch and salad
2. breakfast can be fruits
3. lunch can be Subway
4. dinner has to be salad
5. take picture of food
6. drinks will have to be warm/hot
7. drinks can only be water and plain teas
8. 800 calorie limit per day
9. drink at least one litre of water a day
10. forgive myself when i fail

fingers crossed. chapter 2 begins. 

to the stars, 

uma

thirsty.

Mind Your Body 

i've been drinking regularly for a good month now. all one litre a day (for the most part). and i noticed something today - i crave water.  it's weird because in my mind water is not delicious or yummy. and it's not a food i crave like i do bread or chocolate or warm milk tea. but today i craved water.  it was weird.  

it got me thinking that if i ate healthy food for thirty days straight - would i "crave" healthy food? or what if i exercised religiously for a month and a half, would i yearn to exercise? and then it got me thinking: does junk work the same way? and i can honestly say that it doesn't.  i had the great pleasure of being succumbed to huge quantities of the world's best loved chocolates for a month: Lindt, Ferrero Rocher, Merci and Kinder Minis and let me tell you that i can hardly fathom the sight of any of these delicacies much less consume them after my month long binge. 

so miraculously the month of junk makes me avert the bad stuff and the month of water got me craving it.  it makes me think that our bodies are much more intelligently designed than we often give it credit for.  we are too often lectured that it's mind over matter, but sometimes the matter is a lot more apt on the better choices than our willpower.  i am gonna start eating an apple a day and see how that goes :)

to the stars, 

uma

devotion.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

i am doing my usual friday fasting today. i love the serene feeling that comes with not having to cater my life to meal times.  i always admired the whole concept of sitting together as a family for a meal, but nowadays i am resistant to catering food to anything but my hunger. but it's not an easy feat following your hunger.  starting tuesday i have been eating everything i saw - my food intake was dictated by visual cues of food.  and the cues were all around me, drowning me with triggers to eat.  

i need more devotion and commitment to losing weight.  the last month threw a lot of hurdles my way - especially in the way of exercise.  but nothing is impossible - i will sort this out and keep moving forward, even if it is one tiny step forward at a time.  

to the stars, 

uma 

stuck.

i don't know what i am doing wrong - well i do.  but i keep going back to the same mistakes. its annoying and it's keeping me stalled. i need to keep positive.  it is possible - not impossible. back to square one.

out of focus.

Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere,
and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself. 

i ate over 800 calories of junk today.  i wondered why. tortured myself, until i realized that i was not in sync with my hunger cues.

i didn't check to see if i was hungry. didn't pre-plan meals. didn't think about health and nourishment. i was not focusing on myself.  instead, i spent the day focusing on others, making sure that everyone was okay. preoccupied myself with whether i was "pleasing" everyone.  i have to realize and understand that the universe will flow as it should without any input on my part.  

i constantly carry this nagging feeling that i hold the world on my back - but i really and truly am not holding anything up but myself.  i am just one particle in a mass of billions and trillions and zillions.  i need to understand that i am significant, but not the only moving part in this puzzle.  i need to breathe and just focus on myself.  

i find it's hard to let go of the control. i am afraid that if i don't play a part in every aspect i will somehow lose my significance. that is just not true - and i know it. i am significant in just being and existing - need to drive this point home till it becomes my rational.  tomorrow is a new day. i will be better. 

to the stars, 

uma

anxious.

Love Yourself More

the anxiety persists. as i mentioned i got into a car accident - xrays came back yesterday saying that i have first signs of degeneration.  i admit that i am scared, but i can move everything - so i am focusing on that instead.  

i want to start running again - i was just getting into it as well. it sucks what happened but i really want to focus  on getting back to being physically active. but i realized everything happens for a reason.  i was trying to do too much all at once and i wasn't really good at either: eating well was going oh so wrong and exercise was giving me anxiety and making  me feel a bit overwhelmed.  so i feel like the universe told me to stop
and listen to what you're feeling and take it slow.  so now i am forced to just focus on one aspect - because that's all i can really do.  i am so much more aware of my food intake then ever before, i feel calmer about food - not every second of every day, but much more than before.  

i will be 120lbs before long. i can feel it in my bones.  just in the last couple of days i dropped three pounds, which is huge.  i love that the universe looks out for me, even if the message sometimes is painful.  i need to listen to the lighter messages.  i realized how out of touch i am of my needs and desires - i want 2013 to be the year of "me". i love helping people, its this innate drive within me that always wants to help everyone, but if my cup is empty i can't really help anyone.  i want to feel inspired. 

to the stars, 

uma

all of the elements.

change takes time

weight loss i find is a very delicate process.  there are so many layers and moving pieces:
- calories in 
- calories out
- emotions
- stress level
- micro-nutrients
- hydration
- meal timing
- health
- life situations

everything has to be in perfect balance, your constantly juggling each and every element. sometimes it's so hard to keep track of everything and all at once. 

additionally, if you don't take care of your external appearance while you maintain the above elements weight loss becomes ineffective as well.  

i haven't lost anything i gained thus far.  i hope by next Monday I am back in the 130's - for some reason I can't stop eating the junk.  there is too much of it all around the house, but that is not a good excuse.   

it's a blessed life i tell you. 


to the stars, 

uma