out of focus.

Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere,
and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself. 

i ate over 800 calories of junk today.  i wondered why. tortured myself, until i realized that i was not in sync with my hunger cues.

i didn't check to see if i was hungry. didn't pre-plan meals. didn't think about health and nourishment. i was not focusing on myself.  instead, i spent the day focusing on others, making sure that everyone was okay. preoccupied myself with whether i was "pleasing" everyone.  i have to realize and understand that the universe will flow as it should without any input on my part.  

i constantly carry this nagging feeling that i hold the world on my back - but i really and truly am not holding anything up but myself.  i am just one particle in a mass of billions and trillions and zillions.  i need to understand that i am significant, but not the only moving part in this puzzle.  i need to breathe and just focus on myself.  

i find it's hard to let go of the control. i am afraid that if i don't play a part in every aspect i will somehow lose my significance. that is just not true - and i know it. i am significant in just being and existing - need to drive this point home till it becomes my rational.  tomorrow is a new day. i will be better. 

to the stars, 

uma