thirsty.

Mind Your Body 

i've been drinking regularly for a good month now. all one litre a day (for the most part). and i noticed something today - i crave water.  it's weird because in my mind water is not delicious or yummy. and it's not a food i crave like i do bread or chocolate or warm milk tea. but today i craved water.  it was weird.  

it got me thinking that if i ate healthy food for thirty days straight - would i "crave" healthy food? or what if i exercised religiously for a month and a half, would i yearn to exercise? and then it got me thinking: does junk work the same way? and i can honestly say that it doesn't.  i had the great pleasure of being succumbed to huge quantities of the world's best loved chocolates for a month: Lindt, Ferrero Rocher, Merci and Kinder Minis and let me tell you that i can hardly fathom the sight of any of these delicacies much less consume them after my month long binge. 

so miraculously the month of junk makes me avert the bad stuff and the month of water got me craving it.  it makes me think that our bodies are much more intelligently designed than we often give it credit for.  we are too often lectured that it's mind over matter, but sometimes the matter is a lot more apt on the better choices than our willpower.  i am gonna start eating an apple a day and see how that goes :)

to the stars, 

uma

devotion.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

i am doing my usual friday fasting today. i love the serene feeling that comes with not having to cater my life to meal times.  i always admired the whole concept of sitting together as a family for a meal, but nowadays i am resistant to catering food to anything but my hunger. but it's not an easy feat following your hunger.  starting tuesday i have been eating everything i saw - my food intake was dictated by visual cues of food.  and the cues were all around me, drowning me with triggers to eat.  

i need more devotion and commitment to losing weight.  the last month threw a lot of hurdles my way - especially in the way of exercise.  but nothing is impossible - i will sort this out and keep moving forward, even if it is one tiny step forward at a time.  

to the stars, 

uma 

stuck.

i don't know what i am doing wrong - well i do.  but i keep going back to the same mistakes. its annoying and it's keeping me stalled. i need to keep positive.  it is possible - not impossible. back to square one.

out of focus.

Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere,
and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself. 

i ate over 800 calories of junk today.  i wondered why. tortured myself, until i realized that i was not in sync with my hunger cues.

i didn't check to see if i was hungry. didn't pre-plan meals. didn't think about health and nourishment. i was not focusing on myself.  instead, i spent the day focusing on others, making sure that everyone was okay. preoccupied myself with whether i was "pleasing" everyone.  i have to realize and understand that the universe will flow as it should without any input on my part.  

i constantly carry this nagging feeling that i hold the world on my back - but i really and truly am not holding anything up but myself.  i am just one particle in a mass of billions and trillions and zillions.  i need to understand that i am significant, but not the only moving part in this puzzle.  i need to breathe and just focus on myself.  

i find it's hard to let go of the control. i am afraid that if i don't play a part in every aspect i will somehow lose my significance. that is just not true - and i know it. i am significant in just being and existing - need to drive this point home till it becomes my rational.  tomorrow is a new day. i will be better. 

to the stars, 

uma

anxious.

Love Yourself More

the anxiety persists. as i mentioned i got into a car accident - xrays came back yesterday saying that i have first signs of degeneration.  i admit that i am scared, but i can move everything - so i am focusing on that instead.  

i want to start running again - i was just getting into it as well. it sucks what happened but i really want to focus  on getting back to being physically active. but i realized everything happens for a reason.  i was trying to do too much all at once and i wasn't really good at either: eating well was going oh so wrong and exercise was giving me anxiety and making  me feel a bit overwhelmed.  so i feel like the universe told me to stop
and listen to what you're feeling and take it slow.  so now i am forced to just focus on one aspect - because that's all i can really do.  i am so much more aware of my food intake then ever before, i feel calmer about food - not every second of every day, but much more than before.  

i will be 120lbs before long. i can feel it in my bones.  just in the last couple of days i dropped three pounds, which is huge.  i love that the universe looks out for me, even if the message sometimes is painful.  i need to listen to the lighter messages.  i realized how out of touch i am of my needs and desires - i want 2013 to be the year of "me". i love helping people, its this innate drive within me that always wants to help everyone, but if my cup is empty i can't really help anyone.  i want to feel inspired. 

to the stars, 

uma

all of the elements.

change takes time

weight loss i find is a very delicate process.  there are so many layers and moving pieces:
- calories in 
- calories out
- emotions
- stress level
- micro-nutrients
- hydration
- meal timing
- health
- life situations

everything has to be in perfect balance, your constantly juggling each and every element. sometimes it's so hard to keep track of everything and all at once. 

additionally, if you don't take care of your external appearance while you maintain the above elements weight loss becomes ineffective as well.  

i haven't lost anything i gained thus far.  i hope by next Monday I am back in the 130's - for some reason I can't stop eating the junk.  there is too much of it all around the house, but that is not a good excuse.   

it's a blessed life i tell you. 


to the stars, 

uma

why i ate.

P.U.S.H.

i have free chocolate in my house.  i don't know what the concept free does to you, but free makes the unrestrained nut within me to come out.  all i can think about is the loads of savory chocolates sitting in my basement: lindor, ferrero, merci and kinder all in stacks and stacks of boxes.  i guess it's that feeling that once that box is done it's never gonna be filled again mentality that makes me want to devour everything in one gulp.  logic eludes me.  i was pleasantly full from well portioned breakfast of one slice of toast with jam and peanut butter and green tea. yet, when i came upstairs i literally gulped two ferrero rocher and 3 lindt chocolates in one sitting. and now i feel sick.  i think the car accident created this bit of anxiety within me to want to eat to feel taken care of.  it's silly and illogical to eat when i am not hungry - yet cravings are just insane.  i have to fix this mentality. my brain is blocked by the heaps of sugar i consumed and i have nothing more intelligent to share today. 

to the stars, 

uma

over-eating.

Find Your Strong 

i am totally guilty of over-eating. constantly i don't understand hunger-cues or use them for  that matter.  so today i watched a very revealing video on emotional over-eating - which can be accessed via josielenore i actually watched several of her videos and was pleasantly surprised at the very intuitive observations she provided on emotional over-eating.  

i think as Josie mentioned alot of my issues with over-eating stems from the simple restraints placed by a diet mentality.  labeling food as good or bad for starters is a great way to get me craving the untouchables.  i need to take food off labels and follow hunger cues, energy levels and the overall impact the food has on my mood, skin, digestion, cycles, etc. 

even checking in after an hour to see how i feel after eating a meal is something i never do.  i constantly am on constraint mode and then on binge mode to escape the restraints of my diet.  Josie takes on an experiential view on eating - going past the traditional "outside-in" nutritional data to a more intuitive experience on food.  every body is different so it makes sense that all of our bodies digest food differently as well. 

so today i let loose and let myself eat everything i wanted, but focused on how the food made me feel afterwards.  alot of it was as Josie said it would be - reactionary eating focused mostly on food that i restricted, but the difference was that i was more in tune with my body.  i never focused on how i felt - it was refreshing and surprising.  most of the yummy food that i reached out to made me feel sick, and i already feel one pimple forming on my otherwise clean skin.  i hope i get rid of this bad habit of overeating, i think it may be a small progress - but i will conquer this! what Josie made me realize the most today is that it's not a weak or strong thing - you just got find your "right".


to the stars, 

uma 

portions.

"Believe in yourself and all that you are.
Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

i just ate breakfast and i have already consume 545 calories.  its sickening and at the same time super shocking.  i had a whole grain croissant and a thin slice of harvati cheese and sugarless jam, oh and milk tea without sugar.  and i am already at 545 calories. sure i could be over-estimating but by maybe 100 calories or so, not like 250 calories (?!?!) which is what i am hoping it is. 

i have to control my portions - yesterday, i ate 1,236 calories of just junk. i know, shameful! so today i am on the lookout for any such slip-ups. so far so good.  also, my mom is what psychologists call a "food pusher" - defined loosely as someone who "who think(s)  food equals love and want to show love by feeding the people around them". I've been injured from running so I am hostage to her cooking and feeding for the past three days which is emotionally draining. 

I tend to opt for food when I am emotionally drained or just emotional.  Lately, I have been emotional too often.  I am trying to get out of this rut, hence why I am resuming blogging here - trying to ensure that I am aware of my feelings and I have an outlet for them.  Lately, my head has been full of negative thoughts - no one cares about me, my friends and family are self-centered, and i am a failure.  i need to change this mentality because at the end of the day this kind of thinking will only hurt me. i trying to digest positive articles and books until i detoxify this thinking. everything in portions, right?

to the stars, 

uma

the mind.

Strive for progress, not perfection.

this morning i had carrot cake, i scraped off the icing and filling and just ate the insides. and then i drank green tea - because my mind echoed that if i had a bad breakfast i could balance it with a healthy item.  i know this is the utmost bull, but yet i accepted this stupid logic and went with it.  322 calories of junk i consumed for breakfast. 

recently i have been feeling a bit on the down side. i've been super sensitive and super emotional. i cry at least three times a day.  and i don't feel content. i feel connected but discontent.  i feel like i face resistance everywhere i turn. resistance to my peace, happiness, and dreams. sometimes i am the resistance and other times it's loved ones and circumstances.  i am not patient by any means. i always want results yesterday.  but i want to attain my goals and i want to feel happy, so i am committed to be as patient as long as it takes.  my mind tells me that it will be eternity, but i know that's not true.  it will happen. i know it. and everyday is progress. 

to the stars, 

uma

Not forgotten.

   
“Nature does not hurry,
yet everything is accomplished.”

I don't know what it is but for the last couple months I have not been trying as hard to get to my goals.  I've been sadly doing everything to sabotage everything that I've accomplished so far.  I passed the 134 pound mark sometime in late June - now it's November and I am back at 143 pounds.  Tell me why such things happen.  I don't understand.  Yet, I know things have to change. Again. 

I am gonna start over from the beginning.  I joined the running room half marathon training.  I fell down pretty hard on my knees yesterday - had the whole ordeal: blood and swelling, the whole bit.  I want to keep running - it drives me to get stronger.  

Today I don't feel strong. I feel weak in mind and spirit and especially body.  I don't understand where I went wrong - but I know I have to change this mentality that I am keep succumbing to first.  I have a goal - I've had this goal for way longer than I meant to.  It's one of the first goals I've had since my childhood. To lose weight and be slim.  I am still working on this goal many many MANY years after.  It's been too many years past that I've held onto this dream - I need to make this a reality. 

I am back at square one.  I need to incorporate the following: 

1. Healthy Eating: 

Vegetables, Whole Grains, Fruits and WATER

2. Portions: 

Eat the right portions of food & eat it slowly

3. Movement: 

Resist the modern sedentary lifestyle

4. Mental Health:

Practice gratitude, positive thinking and believe in the good of things

5. Mental Strength: 

Identify opportunities to be strong and resist falling into bad habits

6. Consistency: 

Making an everyday effort and commit to creating a Healthy Lifestyle

7. Preparation: 

Pre-planning your day, co-create your life, or end up somewhere unwanted

8. Education: 

Study best practices, knowledge is power - to drive you when emotions struggle

9. Conscious Living: 

Record your day's meals & act's, understand your behavior & body - meditate!

10. Take care of your external body: 

Hair, SPF, moisturizer, massages, facials, makeup, style, good hygiene, etc. 

Breathe! 

to the stars, 

uma

Stagnant.

The mind is everything.
What you think, you become.

i haven't lost any weight since July. I am gonna go full force again starting tomorrow October 1st.  It will be my 90 Day Reverse Resolution :)

i kind of lost my motivation mid-July.  i could blame it on a million different reasons, causes, situations and people.  I rather take the ownership and say that i just didn't commit enough to my cause.  

i know consistency brings results so this is going to be my focus for the next 90 days:

1. absolutely no sugary desserts or junk food
2. pre-planning my meals every day

3. snacks = fruits and vegetables, nothing else

4. i will commit to 3 salads a week

5. 1L of water a day

6. exercise 60 minutes a day

7. buy one new outfit every two weeks

8. focus daily on body image and makeup and hair, etc. 

90 days is more than enough to kick off the last 20 pounds that seem hopelessly stuck to me.  Mind over Matter.  i will conquer and prevail.  

to the stars, 

uma

it's not impossible.

"Do you choose to simply know the path, or do you choose to walk it?"

i was down to 134 lbs and i freaked out and now i am back up to 140 lbs.  i don't know why i do the things that i do.  i love myself enough to commit to these last 20 lbs with a vengeance.  i can do this! i know i can.  

i am doing another challenge this month. 30 days of no junk and lots of exercise.  that should help right?  i hope so.  maybe i'll throw in some yoga, more running, add some green tea three times a day - what else??! i just want to get to the finish line already! 


i am proud of the consistency in my weight loss - 40 lbs lighter is quite the accomplishment i thinks! just 20 more lbs to go.  this is more than doable. i just have to be consistent. i have to be dedicated and driven.  it's not impossible. 


to the stars, 


uma

miss. independent

"Don't sacrifice your future for a momentary pleasure" 

i always feel that i need "someone" to do everything.  i have been independent most of my life, but still there has been this lingering need for constant company.  and when i get the company, i get dependent.  i hate that in myself.  


and just like that i recently got used to going to the gym with my best friend, but she only goes like once every full moon so i've been somewhat mimicking this pattern.  and she only needs to tone, whereas i need to still lose 20 more lbs, well 22 if you considered all the hardcore binging that i managed to accomplish this week.  yet, i know what i need to do, and the task at hand does not require a teammate.   


yes, it is nice to have someone support you and be beside you, but if i can't realistically depend on anyone - i am more than capable of doing workouts by myself.  i see no other way.  the weak part of me is a bit bitter - and the strong part of me says "get over it!".  this is something i need to do for myself - and i CAN do this.  i do not lack friends.  i just have to know that this is a mission that needs to be completed, solo.  and if i meet people through this journey then i welcome the fresh faces.  


i know that i am not truly alone, ever.  i have to believe that the universe surrounds me with love and support every moment of my life.  this i believe and i cherish this knowing.  


I can do this - 22 more lbs, to be gone forever...


to the stars, 


uma


p.s. i just came back from a hardcore 1.5 hr workout session - cycling, running, sprinting, cardio, weights - the whole package! i am proud! and i am powerful beyond measure! rOAR! :)

self-sabotage

“It always seems impossible until its done.”

 - Nelson Mandela

sometimes i feel that the closer i get to my ultimate goal weight - the faster i want to sabotage my progress. i know it's insane! but i am noticing a pattern.  i finally got below the 140 mark (third time!) and i just want to binge.  it's like my body and mind is uncomfortable being small.  


i have to really focus on my mental will power now.  i have to make sure that i do everything in my power not to sabotage myself.  i need to know that i can reach my goal.  i can reach my goal.  i have to really tell myself that i deserve this, that i want this, and that it will be for the betterment of my life.  


walking down the mall i realized how far i've come. it felt almost as if i was walking on clouds.  i've gotten so much lighter. i can feel it in my movements, in the way my clothes fall off of me and in the way i fit into places.  i love it - but my journey is not over.  i still have soo much to learn and 18.4 lbs to go! 


to the stars, 


uma 

missing in action.

"are your excuses more important than your dreams?"

literally. i haven't been to the gym in over a week.  i did go to a 45 minute Zumba session and i did a couple of hundred situps and other strength training ish throughout the week. but no gym.  what does that mean? it means that i did not push myself enough - i didn't try hard enough.  i have a half marathon coming in October so i have to start training, otherwise i will be fainting on course - which would be mega embarassing.  i hope i make a sincere effort to go today.  i need to lose another 24 lbs to get to my ultra goal weight. 


i am already starting to get the distracting and disabling comments like "are you eating at all??!?" "you don't need to lose any more weight!?!" "you're too tall to be that skinny".  yes these are all discouraging but i have to keep moving and losing - otherwise all the hard work that i've done would be a loss.  i am proud of myself - it took a lot of persistence.  i want to say and sacrifice, but no what i did up to the point of gaining pound after pound of weight was a sacrifice, a sacrifice of happiness, health and opportunities.  i only looked at the very short term fulfillment and sacrificed the things that really mattered.  no more sacrifices. 


i tried to go without sugar for the month of march - with the exception of my bday cake of course.  and i have to say i've been pretty successful.  i do remember craving chocolate or cake here and there but i sustained.  i didn't obsessively check every single ingredient. i kind of played it by ear - if i thought something was sweet and sugary like a donut, coffee, milk tea, candy, chocolate, cake, etc. then i didn't eat it. period.  i am going to try drinking soup for dinner all week next week as an experiment and see how that works out for me.  


it is constant work, but not really - it's life.  every single small daily act that i maintain will help to create hundreds of ripples in my life and the life of my loved ones.  oh! that reminds me, i am such a brat - i can't believe i didn't mention the enablers.  so everyone, and i mean EVERYONE knows i am on a "diet" so for my bday my boyfriend bought me the smallest but most delicious cake he could find to support me, my mommy bought me a small square slice of a cake which all of us shared, with the exception of my daddykins who is also doing a sugar cleanse for awhile now. And at work we didn't do the traditional cake celebration - instead i got beautiful pink flowers! i was ever so appreciative of everyones thoughtfulness.  


i hope these last 24lbs melt off magically, or at least without any glitches and major bumps on the road.    


to the stars, 


uma

leaving behind the comfort.

"there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind"

~ C.S. Lewis

i want to exercise. but i really don't. i wish i could let my body go to the gym and do an exercise while i remained back here in sedentary relaxing.  :)


i don't know what disables us from attaining to do our best 100% of the time. is it perhaps that we don't require all this ambition - maybe i really don't "need" a super fit and sexy body. maybe being sluggish and at a normal weight is deserving of equal contentment. 


i suspect this type of "settling" comes from a strong aversion for the uncomfortable, that coincidentally comes with striving for more.  it's so simple in my head. get changed. put on your runners. get out of the house. get to the gym. run. exercise. core workout. leave. and i am done.  yet just the thought of this is so painful. whyyyyyyy? i don't get it. 


what contentment am i really attaining from this non-motion? this blah-ness? this non-living? non-participation in life?  why can't i be more focused and motivated. 


i have to get to the gym today. whatever it takes. 




to the stars, 




uma

perseverance.

"just keep going"

what does exercise mean to me? basically movement, anything that involves getting off the couch and doesn't involve non-movement.  why is this important to know and be aware of? well once you become a regular exerciser, which believe it or not i feel that i am now, it's important to engage yourself by varying your activities.  i have gotten to point at which i feel that going to gym and doing the same routine is comforting but not exciting. so time to mix things up. i did sign up for zumba class but i haven't managed to go yet. hopefully next monday i can keep that commitment.  


my to do list seems to get longer and longer. it's ridiculous. i have to make sure diet doesn't slack off again. i have been good with the no sugar deal.  i can't see that's it made any difference, but to be fair it's only day four and i haven't been all that strict.  i had a vaippan today - i am sure they added sugar in it - but my mom said it had bananas and flour.  i am craving sweets still.  i had to do everything in my power not to go out and buy a chocolate bar or dessert.  which i didn't. i am proud of myself :) yay! 


there is this weird part of my brain that irrationally rationalizes that i won't be as nice without the consumption of sugar.  i know weird. but it's how i conceptualize life.  silly yes. 25 more lbs to go. it feels good to say that number.  its doable.  totally. 




to the stars, 




uma

and the routine.

"Make the decision, then do something - no matter how small - toward accomplishing what you want. "

okay so i was thinking about routine all day. and i realized that i enjoy ab workouts so i will do the following:
- wake up  @  6:00 am
- do ab workout 
- hit the shower @ 6;30am
- dress up for work @ 7am
- prepare lunch, eat breakfast @7:30am
- go to work @ 8am


this will be the normal routine for workdays


for weekends it will be like this



- wake up  @  8:00 am
- go to the gym 
- hit the shower @ 9;30am
- prepare lunch, eat breakfast @10:30am
- start weekend day


lets see how this goes. tomorrow will be trial 1. 




to the stars, 


uma

"make a wish. take a chance. make a change"

i feel motivated today. i went to the gym. didn't crave junk food. thought about fitness, and how i can get better and stay consistent.  i just have to work in exercise and diet into my life as part of normal routine. as i mentioned before, i don't do well with routine - but now is not the time to dwell on the past. so how do i establish a lifetime routine? - cuz it's essential to the success of my fitness goals! 


okay so i just googled (i can't imagine life without or before google!), here are some trending thoughts to making exercise part of my daily routine: 


- alter your thoughts - question the importance, the motive, the purpose of exercise
- consider your priorities, where does exercise fit? how important is it to your life?
- how would exercise be a part of your daily life - think of different ways you stay active, exercise?
- figure out what's not working for you, what are the barriers?
- study your current routine, figure out what you need to eliminate and add to make exercise fit into your daily life - be prepared for weekends and holidays! 


okay i am going to mull over these points a bit! till tomorrow. 




to the stars, 




uma

"your life begins outside your comfort zone"

i needed to do a second post today. i haven't done too many lately. so two in one day can't be bad, right?  what i wanted to tell you is this: 



I AM BACK! For GOOD! i am going to kill these last 25 lbs!!! I've come so far and I will not stop.  I heard this saying that if you want to make something a habit you have to keep at it for 28 days and it'll become habitual - BULL SHIT!!! if you want something done - YOU do it! you never stop! you never pause! there is no auto-pilot or cruise control for life.  you have to be at it every day if you want something.  you don't make habits - you make commitments! 


so yes i did report back to my food journal every single day for way more than 30 days - but it did not become habit b/c I stopped for the last week.  


i will make this a priority. every single day. fitness that is.  i am so grateful that i have a body that is in working condition. i am so super lucky.  now i will treat it right.  so i decided for the month of March - which starts tomorrow: i am going to do my best to eliminate sugar from my diet for 31 days - one and only exception one slice of bday cake! :) 


anyone want to be adventurous and join me? 




to the stars, 


uma

seeking momentum.

START SOMETHING POSITIVE

Momentum can be difficult to establish. And that's what makes it so valuable. 

Because once you have it going in your favor, momentum can be hard to stop. 

With momentum on your side, small efforts can bring big results, 

and those big results can lead to even bigger ones. 

Yes, momentum takes some effort and commitment to put into motion. 

And it is very much worth the trouble.  Take the time and make the effort to start something positive. 

Even though, in the short term, it would be easier and more comfortable to just do nothing, 

look past those immediate concerns. 

Look ahead to that point where momentum kicks in, 

and consider the value of putting it to work in your favor. 

Then get up, get going, and get to work on building that momentum. 

Start something positive, and create some valuable momentum. 

You'll be able to ride that momentum as far as you can imagine. 

-- Ralph Marston

i've been incredibly horrible with all of my to-do's fitness wise, just plain horrible.  i love comfort, i could soak in the parameters of a "comfortable" life all my life, every day, evey second, every minute.


exercise is not comfortable. going to the gym is not comfortable. leaving the comforts and warmth of my home is not comfortable.  going out in the cold winter awaiting outside my door is not comfortable.  running for prolonged periods is not comfortable.  weight-loss is not comfortable.  the act of discipline is not comfortable. none of this is comfortable.

yet, at the end of the day when i haven't done what i was supposed to do life is no longer comfortable.  so, i know that i have to get out of the comfort zone for the larger picture. yes, second by second life is passing by comfortably. but i am remaining stagnant in life.  i've never been this close to my goal weight.  i have, but not in this same way.  

i feel much stronger than the last time, i feel like i understand so much more than the last time.  i have a regime, developed habits and attained the art of saying no.  if i stop now, i will miss out on all of the other wonderful lessons awaiting me.  i can't stop. not now. not when i am so close to the finishing line.  

i have to get uncomfotable.  




to the stars, 




uma

too many fears.

"Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear."

~Anthony Robbins

i am feeling lazy to go to the gym. i enjoy the process once i arrive but lateley i haven't been motivated to go.  


on sunday i was trying to run my usual 25 minutes on the treadmill @ 6 mph, rather than 5.7 mph and i just couldn't do it.  i could hardly make it to five minutes without stopping.  it really de-motivated me. it annoyed me and angered me.  so much that i no longer like the treadmill.


i also have this bad habit of avoiding water.  i avoid water like the plague, not  tea, green tea, coffee, even OJ - just water.  i feel like water stays locked in and doesn't leave my body once it enters.  it's a paranoia, another fear.


i told myself this is the year that i let go of fear.  i don't want to live in the shadow of fear. fear of failure. fear of falling short. fear of not succeeding. fear of danger. injury. embarrassment. too many fears.


i need to get unstuck.


to the stars,


uma

what is greed?

"It comes down to a simple question: what do you want out of life, and what are you willing to do to get it?"

what is greed? i think greed is the byproduct of insecurity and misinformation.  in the world of the obese, i believe it's the feeling of not having enough, or not being enough. does that make sense? it made sense in my head while i thought it.  


many times there is this feeling of urgency when we overeat, as if tomorrow the food we eat today will become extinct.  or maybe it's this feeling that food is a soul healer. ads on TV portray food as central to social gatherings, food is a celebration.  but we forget the basics - food is foremost nutrition.  


my friends had a potluck yesterday and i still had leftovers for lunch today.  i had pretty much one of pretty much everything - but just 1-2 pieces of everything, sometimes half a piece. i thought i was portioning. it wasn't until i went to write in my food journal i realized i so was not portioning when i was eating one of "everything".  


eating, or at least proper eating takes a lot of conscious decision making.  i will do my best to not repeat the same mistake again and get better everyday.  as for greed, i hope we realize that we have more than enough to go around.  let's not let fear and lies make us think otherwise.    




to the stars, 


uma

the story of fear.

"if it is important to you, you will find a way"

she's afraid. she's afraid of the dark. she's afraid of life. she's afraid of results. she's afraid of tomorrows. she's afraid of poverty. she's afraid of strangers. she's afraid of brashness. she's afraid of everything. everything can turn on her at any moment. this is how she sees her world, this is her cracked mirror.  she eats to numb emotions, she eats to slow down time.  she eats to fill the empty spaces of her soul. she eats to ensure that she ate enough for tomorrow. and the day after. and the day after that - in case she won't have enough.  she's afraid of the lack of tomorrow. 


this is her biggest enemy.  


the fear. 


she will get rid of fear. she will replace it with courage. it is all or nothing. life begins now.




to the stars, 




uma  

i am going to buy a bike.

on preservation & deservation.

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently" 

- Henry Ford

i am going to go on break in a couple of minutes.  i am struggling with: to buy a sweet something or not to buy a sweet something.  the thoughts that are going through my head are along the lines of "i deserve it", "i skipped breakfast", "i haven't binged since being awake"


the most persistent of these thoughts is "i deserve it" - why do i "deserve" it? i don't understand this rationale.  yet my brain is persistently telling me that i "deserve" it.  don't i deserve instead good health, will power, and a feeling of accomplishment when my body eventually settles in the 120 lbs zone.  


needless to say, i got a muffin - not a healthy choice and definitely not a deserving choice.  and then i went on to get a chocolate chip cookie for the afternoon


i don't know why i feel so out of control when i am trying to remain in control.  i am trying to get back on track with the weight loss goals and processes but it seems almost near to impossible.  i don't know what else to say. 


where are you miracle? i am waiting.


to the stars,


uma

in search of miracles.

"i am only one, but i am one. i cannot do everything, but i can do something.

and i will not let what i cannot do interfere with what i can do." 

- edward everett hale

i am in full fledged binge mode, there is no denying it.  i went to Boston Pizza yesterday and i literally ate past the "full point".  It started with the weekend.  I was super stressed out and went out with my BFF to Demetres to treat ourselves to sweet sugary desserts to drown out the difficulties of being an adult living with parents.


i know i need to move out, because living with my parents at this age is becoming more and more of a challenge.  my parents don't seem to understand that i am a grown adult and at the same time i feel that maybe i am distressing them by remaining a burden.  cultural and generational gaps apart, we don't see eye to eye on most things.  everything becomes a struggle. life becomes a struggle.


but back to the matter at hand, i am stressed and i realize it's leading me to depend on food.  i see myself succumb to old eating habits.  i have to stop over eating and portioning my food better. i wish this was much easier but its not.  i have also not gone to the gym 3 days in a row including today.  ahhh i need to get back on track.


other than my stash of godiva truffles (one per day of course) i have to eliminate all junk.  it's a must.  i am out of control right now and i can't depend on  myself being rational about my food choices.


if i dont' go to the gym i have to work out at home - i just have to! no ifs buts or maybes. i am going to do it! and that's that!  i have to add more activity to my day when i am at work, especially at work cuz i sit for eight hours straight, drive for two hours and sleep 6-7 hours.   that's 16-17 hours in a 24 hour day spent in a sedentary state.  gosh that's awful.


i don't want to lose hope. and i dont' want to stall my weight loss.  i need help and big time. but more importantly i need miracles.  lots of them.



to the stars,


uma

Monday Measurements

"In all your adversities there lies the seeds of equivalent advantages. In every defeat there is a lesson showing you how to win the next time."

i weighed myself this morning and i lost a whole pound. i should be more happier - cuz the last couple of months just losing one pound was a long and excruciating process.  yet, the impatient girl within me wants to see leaps and bounds of progress within each month.  i got to 148.2, but i really wanted to be at 145 this week.   i should stop this impatience. i need to be patient and really feel out this weight loss.  if i do it too fast like the last time, it would become a mindless process and i would be back at my old ways in no time.  on that thought, i have to really slow how i eat too.  i don't know why i am always in such a race.  i don't want my life to become a rat race.  but back to the body. 


i realized so much emphasis is given to our emotions and our souls, and unless it is on a cosmetic note we don't value our bodies nearly as much.  what connects us to our mind and our soul, isn't it the body?  without this body we have no identity in this world. and what can we identify?  the health of our body is hence becomes a topic of importance to me.  every inch is sacred, a blessing.  i am grateful for all it's million and ten working components.  even as i sleep my heart beats for me.   even i rest the blood flows, my breathing never ceases.  my brain is transmitting so many signals, it watches over everything.  i appreciate my body, each and every inch.


to the stars, 


uma

the importance of a journal

"act as if it were impossible to fail"

i have been super slacking with the blogging aspect.  it's important for me to keep the habit of daily blogging to ensure that i am conscious about my lifestyle change.  i don't want to call it a diet, because that has a short term ring to it.  i want my "diet" to be for life.   in the past i didn't know enough about food and exercise to make the required healthy choices.  that's what i am trying to change now - my knowledge about what is good for me.  that's why i need to conscious during this phase.  


the last time i lost a ton of weight i did it thinking that it was a temporary sacrifice that would wean long term benefits.  it's retrospect i realize how irrational this was, but at the time i didn't know any better.  and i did lose a lot of weight basically by cutting down food. but then as soon as i lost the weight and became emotionally distressed i went back to food.  


monitoring my sleep has been another addition to my wellness conscious.  it has been really helping me.  i used to depend on coffee and other stimulants to keep me alert.  but through exercise, the right amount of food and proper sleep and rest i feel that i am functioning at a much better state than coffee ever provided me with.  sleep is so important, the days i lack sleep i am super irritable, lazy and confounded to sitting.  the days when i get enough i am much more amiable. creative, and productive.  


another improvement on the diet front, i think the two times a week fasting is shrinking my tummy.  i can't seem to eat as much as before, and my hunger cues and fullness cues are much more distinguished.  i like that.  i tried to eat a slice of cake, and i just couldn't finish the whole thing yesterday - i eventually did over a three hour period. but embarrassingly, there were times in the past where i could have gone for a second piece.  mind you my diet yesterday was not entirely great, portion control is getting easier to manage.  


emotionally, i am a bit distressed these days - but i am not turning to food. in the past food was my only savior. but now i am reading and writing and talking to people and getting my emotions out rather than stuffing them in my tummy underneath loads of food.  sometimes i hesitate to talk about my bad food habits because of embarrassing myself, but i know as i progress in this journey it will get easier and easier.   i am seeing progress, not nearly fast enough - but it is progress nonetheless.  


to the stars, 


uma

she went to the gym. (again)

the lazy day

i am fully slacking off on journalling - so here is my attempt at writing, or reblogging a wonderful quote that i so needed & found: 


“Get Off The Scale! 


You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance. 


Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life. 


It’s true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!” 

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free