thirsty.

Mind Your Body 

i've been drinking regularly for a good month now. all one litre a day (for the most part). and i noticed something today - i crave water.  it's weird because in my mind water is not delicious or yummy. and it's not a food i crave like i do bread or chocolate or warm milk tea. but today i craved water.  it was weird.  

it got me thinking that if i ate healthy food for thirty days straight - would i "crave" healthy food? or what if i exercised religiously for a month and a half, would i yearn to exercise? and then it got me thinking: does junk work the same way? and i can honestly say that it doesn't.  i had the great pleasure of being succumbed to huge quantities of the world's best loved chocolates for a month: Lindt, Ferrero Rocher, Merci and Kinder Minis and let me tell you that i can hardly fathom the sight of any of these delicacies much less consume them after my month long binge. 

so miraculously the month of junk makes me avert the bad stuff and the month of water got me craving it.  it makes me think that our bodies are much more intelligently designed than we often give it credit for.  we are too often lectured that it's mind over matter, but sometimes the matter is a lot more apt on the better choices than our willpower.  i am gonna start eating an apple a day and see how that goes :)

to the stars, 

uma

devotion.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

i am doing my usual friday fasting today. i love the serene feeling that comes with not having to cater my life to meal times.  i always admired the whole concept of sitting together as a family for a meal, but nowadays i am resistant to catering food to anything but my hunger. but it's not an easy feat following your hunger.  starting tuesday i have been eating everything i saw - my food intake was dictated by visual cues of food.  and the cues were all around me, drowning me with triggers to eat.  

i need more devotion and commitment to losing weight.  the last month threw a lot of hurdles my way - especially in the way of exercise.  but nothing is impossible - i will sort this out and keep moving forward, even if it is one tiny step forward at a time.  

to the stars, 

uma 

stuck.

i don't know what i am doing wrong - well i do.  but i keep going back to the same mistakes. its annoying and it's keeping me stalled. i need to keep positive.  it is possible - not impossible. back to square one.

out of focus.

Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere,
and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself. 

i ate over 800 calories of junk today.  i wondered why. tortured myself, until i realized that i was not in sync with my hunger cues.

i didn't check to see if i was hungry. didn't pre-plan meals. didn't think about health and nourishment. i was not focusing on myself.  instead, i spent the day focusing on others, making sure that everyone was okay. preoccupied myself with whether i was "pleasing" everyone.  i have to realize and understand that the universe will flow as it should without any input on my part.  

i constantly carry this nagging feeling that i hold the world on my back - but i really and truly am not holding anything up but myself.  i am just one particle in a mass of billions and trillions and zillions.  i need to understand that i am significant, but not the only moving part in this puzzle.  i need to breathe and just focus on myself.  

i find it's hard to let go of the control. i am afraid that if i don't play a part in every aspect i will somehow lose my significance. that is just not true - and i know it. i am significant in just being and existing - need to drive this point home till it becomes my rational.  tomorrow is a new day. i will be better. 

to the stars, 

uma

anxious.

Love Yourself More

the anxiety persists. as i mentioned i got into a car accident - xrays came back yesterday saying that i have first signs of degeneration.  i admit that i am scared, but i can move everything - so i am focusing on that instead.  

i want to start running again - i was just getting into it as well. it sucks what happened but i really want to focus  on getting back to being physically active. but i realized everything happens for a reason.  i was trying to do too much all at once and i wasn't really good at either: eating well was going oh so wrong and exercise was giving me anxiety and making  me feel a bit overwhelmed.  so i feel like the universe told me to stop
and listen to what you're feeling and take it slow.  so now i am forced to just focus on one aspect - because that's all i can really do.  i am so much more aware of my food intake then ever before, i feel calmer about food - not every second of every day, but much more than before.  

i will be 120lbs before long. i can feel it in my bones.  just in the last couple of days i dropped three pounds, which is huge.  i love that the universe looks out for me, even if the message sometimes is painful.  i need to listen to the lighter messages.  i realized how out of touch i am of my needs and desires - i want 2013 to be the year of "me". i love helping people, its this innate drive within me that always wants to help everyone, but if my cup is empty i can't really help anyone.  i want to feel inspired. 

to the stars, 

uma

all of the elements.

change takes time

weight loss i find is a very delicate process.  there are so many layers and moving pieces:
- calories in 
- calories out
- emotions
- stress level
- micro-nutrients
- hydration
- meal timing
- health
- life situations

everything has to be in perfect balance, your constantly juggling each and every element. sometimes it's so hard to keep track of everything and all at once. 

additionally, if you don't take care of your external appearance while you maintain the above elements weight loss becomes ineffective as well.  

i haven't lost anything i gained thus far.  i hope by next Monday I am back in the 130's - for some reason I can't stop eating the junk.  there is too much of it all around the house, but that is not a good excuse.   

it's a blessed life i tell you. 


to the stars, 

uma

why i ate.

P.U.S.H.

i have free chocolate in my house.  i don't know what the concept free does to you, but free makes the unrestrained nut within me to come out.  all i can think about is the loads of savory chocolates sitting in my basement: lindor, ferrero, merci and kinder all in stacks and stacks of boxes.  i guess it's that feeling that once that box is done it's never gonna be filled again mentality that makes me want to devour everything in one gulp.  logic eludes me.  i was pleasantly full from well portioned breakfast of one slice of toast with jam and peanut butter and green tea. yet, when i came upstairs i literally gulped two ferrero rocher and 3 lindt chocolates in one sitting. and now i feel sick.  i think the car accident created this bit of anxiety within me to want to eat to feel taken care of.  it's silly and illogical to eat when i am not hungry - yet cravings are just insane.  i have to fix this mentality. my brain is blocked by the heaps of sugar i consumed and i have nothing more intelligent to share today. 

to the stars, 

uma

over-eating.

Find Your Strong 

i am totally guilty of over-eating. constantly i don't understand hunger-cues or use them for  that matter.  so today i watched a very revealing video on emotional over-eating - which can be accessed via josielenore i actually watched several of her videos and was pleasantly surprised at the very intuitive observations she provided on emotional over-eating.  

i think as Josie mentioned alot of my issues with over-eating stems from the simple restraints placed by a diet mentality.  labeling food as good or bad for starters is a great way to get me craving the untouchables.  i need to take food off labels and follow hunger cues, energy levels and the overall impact the food has on my mood, skin, digestion, cycles, etc. 

even checking in after an hour to see how i feel after eating a meal is something i never do.  i constantly am on constraint mode and then on binge mode to escape the restraints of my diet.  Josie takes on an experiential view on eating - going past the traditional "outside-in" nutritional data to a more intuitive experience on food.  every body is different so it makes sense that all of our bodies digest food differently as well. 

so today i let loose and let myself eat everything i wanted, but focused on how the food made me feel afterwards.  alot of it was as Josie said it would be - reactionary eating focused mostly on food that i restricted, but the difference was that i was more in tune with my body.  i never focused on how i felt - it was refreshing and surprising.  most of the yummy food that i reached out to made me feel sick, and i already feel one pimple forming on my otherwise clean skin.  i hope i get rid of this bad habit of overeating, i think it may be a small progress - but i will conquer this! what Josie made me realize the most today is that it's not a weak or strong thing - you just got find your "right".


to the stars, 

uma 

portions.

"Believe in yourself and all that you are.
Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

i just ate breakfast and i have already consume 545 calories.  its sickening and at the same time super shocking.  i had a whole grain croissant and a thin slice of harvati cheese and sugarless jam, oh and milk tea without sugar.  and i am already at 545 calories. sure i could be over-estimating but by maybe 100 calories or so, not like 250 calories (?!?!) which is what i am hoping it is. 

i have to control my portions - yesterday, i ate 1,236 calories of just junk. i know, shameful! so today i am on the lookout for any such slip-ups. so far so good.  also, my mom is what psychologists call a "food pusher" - defined loosely as someone who "who think(s)  food equals love and want to show love by feeding the people around them". I've been injured from running so I am hostage to her cooking and feeding for the past three days which is emotionally draining. 

I tend to opt for food when I am emotionally drained or just emotional.  Lately, I have been emotional too often.  I am trying to get out of this rut, hence why I am resuming blogging here - trying to ensure that I am aware of my feelings and I have an outlet for them.  Lately, my head has been full of negative thoughts - no one cares about me, my friends and family are self-centered, and i am a failure.  i need to change this mentality because at the end of the day this kind of thinking will only hurt me. i trying to digest positive articles and books until i detoxify this thinking. everything in portions, right?

to the stars, 

uma

the mind.

Strive for progress, not perfection.

this morning i had carrot cake, i scraped off the icing and filling and just ate the insides. and then i drank green tea - because my mind echoed that if i had a bad breakfast i could balance it with a healthy item.  i know this is the utmost bull, but yet i accepted this stupid logic and went with it.  322 calories of junk i consumed for breakfast. 

recently i have been feeling a bit on the down side. i've been super sensitive and super emotional. i cry at least three times a day.  and i don't feel content. i feel connected but discontent.  i feel like i face resistance everywhere i turn. resistance to my peace, happiness, and dreams. sometimes i am the resistance and other times it's loved ones and circumstances.  i am not patient by any means. i always want results yesterday.  but i want to attain my goals and i want to feel happy, so i am committed to be as patient as long as it takes.  my mind tells me that it will be eternity, but i know that's not true.  it will happen. i know it. and everyday is progress. 

to the stars, 

uma