miss. independent

"Don't sacrifice your future for a momentary pleasure" 

i always feel that i need "someone" to do everything.  i have been independent most of my life, but still there has been this lingering need for constant company.  and when i get the company, i get dependent.  i hate that in myself.  


and just like that i recently got used to going to the gym with my best friend, but she only goes like once every full moon so i've been somewhat mimicking this pattern.  and she only needs to tone, whereas i need to still lose 20 more lbs, well 22 if you considered all the hardcore binging that i managed to accomplish this week.  yet, i know what i need to do, and the task at hand does not require a teammate.   


yes, it is nice to have someone support you and be beside you, but if i can't realistically depend on anyone - i am more than capable of doing workouts by myself.  i see no other way.  the weak part of me is a bit bitter - and the strong part of me says "get over it!".  this is something i need to do for myself - and i CAN do this.  i do not lack friends.  i just have to know that this is a mission that needs to be completed, solo.  and if i meet people through this journey then i welcome the fresh faces.  


i know that i am not truly alone, ever.  i have to believe that the universe surrounds me with love and support every moment of my life.  this i believe and i cherish this knowing.  


I can do this - 22 more lbs, to be gone forever...


to the stars, 


uma


p.s. i just came back from a hardcore 1.5 hr workout session - cycling, running, sprinting, cardio, weights - the whole package! i am proud! and i am powerful beyond measure! rOAR! :)

self-sabotage

“It always seems impossible until its done.”

 - Nelson Mandela

sometimes i feel that the closer i get to my ultimate goal weight - the faster i want to sabotage my progress. i know it's insane! but i am noticing a pattern.  i finally got below the 140 mark (third time!) and i just want to binge.  it's like my body and mind is uncomfortable being small.  


i have to really focus on my mental will power now.  i have to make sure that i do everything in my power not to sabotage myself.  i need to know that i can reach my goal.  i can reach my goal.  i have to really tell myself that i deserve this, that i want this, and that it will be for the betterment of my life.  


walking down the mall i realized how far i've come. it felt almost as if i was walking on clouds.  i've gotten so much lighter. i can feel it in my movements, in the way my clothes fall off of me and in the way i fit into places.  i love it - but my journey is not over.  i still have soo much to learn and 18.4 lbs to go! 


to the stars, 


uma