i forgot about this blog. my sister just messaged me and asked me for a good blogging platform and i remembered that i had a blog.  it's been over 2 years, my last post was on Jun 23 2015! 

and sadly, i never made it to 120 lbs. but i haven't given up either.  the unfortunate thing is i let go and gained more than i lost and now i am back at the 180s.  but there is a part of me that is looking forward to this challenge.  i know i didn't get to my goal, but i have become much wiser.  

i know that not all things are about end goals. i know this and appreciate the idea that it should be more about the journey than the end destination.  reading my past posts, not all of them and not in all its entirety - i can sense the urgency and desperation in my voice.  i did not care about what i was doing today or if i was enjoying the process. instead, i focused on getting to the end site as soon as humanely and unhumanely possible.  

that is the difference now. i want to put much more emphasis on enjoying the here and now.  i got laid off this week.  and i suspect i will have some time before getting my next job and i am grateful for finding this blog again.  i want to blog daily and start this little goal of mine again. it's worth the second chance. i just had a deja vu. i have a good feeling about this ^_^

to the stars, 

uma

her direction.

in the right direction.

i am back at 150 - it took me over 2 year to get to the 130's. i am not exactly sure how that happened - well i do. i stopped exercising, counting calories, and even writing here. there is a part of me that just wants to give up. that part of me argues that this is a useless feat, i will never succeed nor will any of it make a difference. there is another part of me that just doesn't want to give up: that part of me argues that i deserve this.  i have to keep trying even if i fail.

i do deserve this and i am committed to make this work.  today i am a bit lost and just don't know how or where to start.


to the stars,

uma

she binged.

she let it go. 

after class i went to spring rolls with bff and binged and good sushi, miso soup and mango salad - it was all you can eat. so you can imagine the amount of food. then i came home had a french vanilla, 1 mini srilankan patty, rotti with potato and green tea, and a merci chocolate bar and a mini yogurt and half a bagel with cream cheese and tomato.  i binged.  i wasn't all that hungry. i was just restless and mostly directionless.  so i ate.  i always resort to food at moments like these.  i don't know what makes food so enticing to me - but it's my most comfortable thing to do when i have nothing to do. 

i have to stop. 

but first i will forgive myself.  

i have to commit to something other than eating.  if i feel directionless i should just take any old direction.  because slowly numbing myself will not help. and drowning myself in food will not be better than any purposeful direction.  i will figure things out.  but i will not resort to food.  

to the stars, 

uma

taste.

collect moments not things.

i am used to inhaling my food.  sometimes i get up from the table with an empty plate not really sure if i had actually eaten the food.  it almost seemed more plausible that someone had swiped it off my plate.  that's how mindlessly i ate.  

today i learned something new.  we often eat fast to chase taste.  i wish i knew how to describe this better, but i really really made much sense to me.  the first bite is the most appetizingly pleasing, given you were hungry to begin with.  as you keep eating the taste factor starts to diminish and in that same capacity some of us (me) start to race and try to extend the taste by eating things faster.  and in turn, i often eat past fullness and satisfaction. 

i learned this today with Thingenius with Josie Spinardi.  Unbelievably simple, but when put into practice it just makes so much sense.  I was eating amazing pizza from Boston Pizza - I was, unlike me, slowly enjoying each slice and by the second slice I sensed that I wasn't enjoying the pizza as that first bite so I just stopped eating.  I didn't try to inhale as much food in less than 5 seconds and I didn't try to over stuff myself either -which were the two likely scenarios.  I just stopped and it felt so good.  I hope I am walking down the right path.  


to the stars, 

uma

self-control.

the difference between want and need is self-control. 

what is self-control?  i think of it as mind over matter. your mind is in control of the situation.  i don't know how i would grade my self-control - it's a bit jaded at the moment.  

i feel this strong disconnect with my body. the disconnect is especially strong and distorted when it comes to feeling full, food cravings, and this constant need to eat/nourish. even when i am not hungry.  i don't know where it comes from.  it's this anxious feeling.  obviously there is something troubling me but i can't pin-point exactly what it is.  maybe there are many issues and thus, it becomes harder to factor a single issue.  

there is constant urgency to eat. i eat to change my mood - i know this. but i rather fix the problem rather than tip toe around it.  i really need to heal myself.  until then i just have to take things slowly and gently.  i have a feeling once i sort out the underlying issues, food will no longer play such a pivotal role with my emotions and my self-control.


to the stars, 

uma

chapter 2.

Nourish the Soul.

i can't remember the last time i felt that i have really worked towards my fitness goals. it's been hard emotionally and it seemed like i have been spiraling downwards rather than moving towards my goals.  i gained at least 15 lbs.  i am sad. but not hopeless. 

i want to change course. i want to get back on track. and i will. i am confident. and this time i will not stop till i get to the end.  i promise.  

first things first - this week till the end of Sunday I am going to focus on eating.  I might even focus on eating till the end of next week.  what does this mean - i need to figure out breakfast, lunch and salad.  i will only eat fruits as snacks nothing else. except maybe vegetables.  

i've been eating like crazy at work - it's not good. in fact it's been super bad.  i don't know what to take to work. i am thinking that tuesday to thursday i will have only Subway.  and then Monday and Friday i fast - so that won't be an issue. dinners will strictly be salads.  i heard some people eat a bag of salad like chips. that sounds a bit crazy to me - even though i did finish a whole box of Godiva, which should register me as more crazy.  maybe my mental faculties will become more in tact once i get back on track. who know's maybe i'll be eating a bag salad in the near future.  

okay back to planning food - it sounds so easy. fruits, salad, subway and vegetables. why is it so hard?! i am constantly craving sweets and warm bread and cheesy gooyness and creamy stuff.  these are the things that my body naturally craves for.  correction these are the things my appetite craves.  but this is also where self-control is lacking on my part.  my cravings will no longer rule me, especially not make me eat horrible food.  

i have to get back to taking pictures of my food that really helped and writing down what i ate.  i can do this.  okay re-cap of meal plan: 

1. breakfast, lunch and salad
2. breakfast can be fruits
3. lunch can be Subway
4. dinner has to be salad
5. take picture of food
6. drinks will have to be warm/hot
7. drinks can only be water and plain teas
8. 800 calorie limit per day
9. drink at least one litre of water a day
10. forgive myself when i fail

fingers crossed. chapter 2 begins. 

to the stars, 

uma

thirsty.

Mind Your Body 

i've been drinking regularly for a good month now. all one litre a day (for the most part). and i noticed something today - i crave water.  it's weird because in my mind water is not delicious or yummy. and it's not a food i crave like i do bread or chocolate or warm milk tea. but today i craved water.  it was weird.  

it got me thinking that if i ate healthy food for thirty days straight - would i "crave" healthy food? or what if i exercised religiously for a month and a half, would i yearn to exercise? and then it got me thinking: does junk work the same way? and i can honestly say that it doesn't.  i had the great pleasure of being succumbed to huge quantities of the world's best loved chocolates for a month: Lindt, Ferrero Rocher, Merci and Kinder Minis and let me tell you that i can hardly fathom the sight of any of these delicacies much less consume them after my month long binge. 

so miraculously the month of junk makes me avert the bad stuff and the month of water got me craving it.  it makes me think that our bodies are much more intelligently designed than we often give it credit for.  we are too often lectured that it's mind over matter, but sometimes the matter is a lot more apt on the better choices than our willpower.  i am gonna start eating an apple a day and see how that goes :)

to the stars, 

uma

devotion.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

i am doing my usual friday fasting today. i love the serene feeling that comes with not having to cater my life to meal times.  i always admired the whole concept of sitting together as a family for a meal, but nowadays i am resistant to catering food to anything but my hunger. but it's not an easy feat following your hunger.  starting tuesday i have been eating everything i saw - my food intake was dictated by visual cues of food.  and the cues were all around me, drowning me with triggers to eat.  

i need more devotion and commitment to losing weight.  the last month threw a lot of hurdles my way - especially in the way of exercise.  but nothing is impossible - i will sort this out and keep moving forward, even if it is one tiny step forward at a time.  

to the stars, 

uma 

stuck.

i don't know what i am doing wrong - well i do.  but i keep going back to the same mistakes. its annoying and it's keeping me stalled. i need to keep positive.  it is possible - not impossible. back to square one.

out of focus.

Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere,
and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself. 

i ate over 800 calories of junk today.  i wondered why. tortured myself, until i realized that i was not in sync with my hunger cues.

i didn't check to see if i was hungry. didn't pre-plan meals. didn't think about health and nourishment. i was not focusing on myself.  instead, i spent the day focusing on others, making sure that everyone was okay. preoccupied myself with whether i was "pleasing" everyone.  i have to realize and understand that the universe will flow as it should without any input on my part.  

i constantly carry this nagging feeling that i hold the world on my back - but i really and truly am not holding anything up but myself.  i am just one particle in a mass of billions and trillions and zillions.  i need to understand that i am significant, but not the only moving part in this puzzle.  i need to breathe and just focus on myself.  

i find it's hard to let go of the control. i am afraid that if i don't play a part in every aspect i will somehow lose my significance. that is just not true - and i know it. i am significant in just being and existing - need to drive this point home till it becomes my rational.  tomorrow is a new day. i will be better. 

to the stars, 

uma

anxious.

Love Yourself More

the anxiety persists. as i mentioned i got into a car accident - xrays came back yesterday saying that i have first signs of degeneration.  i admit that i am scared, but i can move everything - so i am focusing on that instead.  

i want to start running again - i was just getting into it as well. it sucks what happened but i really want to focus  on getting back to being physically active. but i realized everything happens for a reason.  i was trying to do too much all at once and i wasn't really good at either: eating well was going oh so wrong and exercise was giving me anxiety and making  me feel a bit overwhelmed.  so i feel like the universe told me to stop
and listen to what you're feeling and take it slow.  so now i am forced to just focus on one aspect - because that's all i can really do.  i am so much more aware of my food intake then ever before, i feel calmer about food - not every second of every day, but much more than before.  

i will be 120lbs before long. i can feel it in my bones.  just in the last couple of days i dropped three pounds, which is huge.  i love that the universe looks out for me, even if the message sometimes is painful.  i need to listen to the lighter messages.  i realized how out of touch i am of my needs and desires - i want 2013 to be the year of "me". i love helping people, its this innate drive within me that always wants to help everyone, but if my cup is empty i can't really help anyone.  i want to feel inspired. 

to the stars, 

uma

all of the elements.

change takes time

weight loss i find is a very delicate process.  there are so many layers and moving pieces:
- calories in 
- calories out
- emotions
- stress level
- micro-nutrients
- hydration
- meal timing
- health
- life situations

everything has to be in perfect balance, your constantly juggling each and every element. sometimes it's so hard to keep track of everything and all at once. 

additionally, if you don't take care of your external appearance while you maintain the above elements weight loss becomes ineffective as well.  

i haven't lost anything i gained thus far.  i hope by next Monday I am back in the 130's - for some reason I can't stop eating the junk.  there is too much of it all around the house, but that is not a good excuse.   

it's a blessed life i tell you. 


to the stars, 

uma

why i ate.

P.U.S.H.

i have free chocolate in my house.  i don't know what the concept free does to you, but free makes the unrestrained nut within me to come out.  all i can think about is the loads of savory chocolates sitting in my basement: lindor, ferrero, merci and kinder all in stacks and stacks of boxes.  i guess it's that feeling that once that box is done it's never gonna be filled again mentality that makes me want to devour everything in one gulp.  logic eludes me.  i was pleasantly full from well portioned breakfast of one slice of toast with jam and peanut butter and green tea. yet, when i came upstairs i literally gulped two ferrero rocher and 3 lindt chocolates in one sitting. and now i feel sick.  i think the car accident created this bit of anxiety within me to want to eat to feel taken care of.  it's silly and illogical to eat when i am not hungry - yet cravings are just insane.  i have to fix this mentality. my brain is blocked by the heaps of sugar i consumed and i have nothing more intelligent to share today. 

to the stars, 

uma

over-eating.

Find Your Strong 

i am totally guilty of over-eating. constantly i don't understand hunger-cues or use them for  that matter.  so today i watched a very revealing video on emotional over-eating - which can be accessed via josielenore i actually watched several of her videos and was pleasantly surprised at the very intuitive observations she provided on emotional over-eating.  

i think as Josie mentioned alot of my issues with over-eating stems from the simple restraints placed by a diet mentality.  labeling food as good or bad for starters is a great way to get me craving the untouchables.  i need to take food off labels and follow hunger cues, energy levels and the overall impact the food has on my mood, skin, digestion, cycles, etc. 

even checking in after an hour to see how i feel after eating a meal is something i never do.  i constantly am on constraint mode and then on binge mode to escape the restraints of my diet.  Josie takes on an experiential view on eating - going past the traditional "outside-in" nutritional data to a more intuitive experience on food.  every body is different so it makes sense that all of our bodies digest food differently as well. 

so today i let loose and let myself eat everything i wanted, but focused on how the food made me feel afterwards.  alot of it was as Josie said it would be - reactionary eating focused mostly on food that i restricted, but the difference was that i was more in tune with my body.  i never focused on how i felt - it was refreshing and surprising.  most of the yummy food that i reached out to made me feel sick, and i already feel one pimple forming on my otherwise clean skin.  i hope i get rid of this bad habit of overeating, i think it may be a small progress - but i will conquer this! what Josie made me realize the most today is that it's not a weak or strong thing - you just got find your "right".


to the stars, 

uma 

portions.

"Believe in yourself and all that you are.
Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

i just ate breakfast and i have already consume 545 calories.  its sickening and at the same time super shocking.  i had a whole grain croissant and a thin slice of harvati cheese and sugarless jam, oh and milk tea without sugar.  and i am already at 545 calories. sure i could be over-estimating but by maybe 100 calories or so, not like 250 calories (?!?!) which is what i am hoping it is. 

i have to control my portions - yesterday, i ate 1,236 calories of just junk. i know, shameful! so today i am on the lookout for any such slip-ups. so far so good.  also, my mom is what psychologists call a "food pusher" - defined loosely as someone who "who think(s)  food equals love and want to show love by feeding the people around them". I've been injured from running so I am hostage to her cooking and feeding for the past three days which is emotionally draining. 

I tend to opt for food when I am emotionally drained or just emotional.  Lately, I have been emotional too often.  I am trying to get out of this rut, hence why I am resuming blogging here - trying to ensure that I am aware of my feelings and I have an outlet for them.  Lately, my head has been full of negative thoughts - no one cares about me, my friends and family are self-centered, and i am a failure.  i need to change this mentality because at the end of the day this kind of thinking will only hurt me. i trying to digest positive articles and books until i detoxify this thinking. everything in portions, right?

to the stars, 

uma

the mind.

Strive for progress, not perfection.

this morning i had carrot cake, i scraped off the icing and filling and just ate the insides. and then i drank green tea - because my mind echoed that if i had a bad breakfast i could balance it with a healthy item.  i know this is the utmost bull, but yet i accepted this stupid logic and went with it.  322 calories of junk i consumed for breakfast. 

recently i have been feeling a bit on the down side. i've been super sensitive and super emotional. i cry at least three times a day.  and i don't feel content. i feel connected but discontent.  i feel like i face resistance everywhere i turn. resistance to my peace, happiness, and dreams. sometimes i am the resistance and other times it's loved ones and circumstances.  i am not patient by any means. i always want results yesterday.  but i want to attain my goals and i want to feel happy, so i am committed to be as patient as long as it takes.  my mind tells me that it will be eternity, but i know that's not true.  it will happen. i know it. and everyday is progress. 

to the stars, 

uma

Not forgotten.

   
“Nature does not hurry,
yet everything is accomplished.”

I don't know what it is but for the last couple months I have not been trying as hard to get to my goals.  I've been sadly doing everything to sabotage everything that I've accomplished so far.  I passed the 134 pound mark sometime in late June - now it's November and I am back at 143 pounds.  Tell me why such things happen.  I don't understand.  Yet, I know things have to change. Again. 

I am gonna start over from the beginning.  I joined the running room half marathon training.  I fell down pretty hard on my knees yesterday - had the whole ordeal: blood and swelling, the whole bit.  I want to keep running - it drives me to get stronger.  

Today I don't feel strong. I feel weak in mind and spirit and especially body.  I don't understand where I went wrong - but I know I have to change this mentality that I am keep succumbing to first.  I have a goal - I've had this goal for way longer than I meant to.  It's one of the first goals I've had since my childhood. To lose weight and be slim.  I am still working on this goal many many MANY years after.  It's been too many years past that I've held onto this dream - I need to make this a reality. 

I am back at square one.  I need to incorporate the following: 

1. Healthy Eating: 

Vegetables, Whole Grains, Fruits and WATER

2. Portions: 

Eat the right portions of food & eat it slowly

3. Movement: 

Resist the modern sedentary lifestyle

4. Mental Health:

Practice gratitude, positive thinking and believe in the good of things

5. Mental Strength: 

Identify opportunities to be strong and resist falling into bad habits

6. Consistency: 

Making an everyday effort and commit to creating a Healthy Lifestyle

7. Preparation: 

Pre-planning your day, co-create your life, or end up somewhere unwanted

8. Education: 

Study best practices, knowledge is power - to drive you when emotions struggle

9. Conscious Living: 

Record your day's meals & act's, understand your behavior & body - meditate!

10. Take care of your external body: 

Hair, SPF, moisturizer, massages, facials, makeup, style, good hygiene, etc. 

Breathe! 

to the stars, 

uma

Stagnant.

The mind is everything.
What you think, you become.

i haven't lost any weight since July. I am gonna go full force again starting tomorrow October 1st.  It will be my 90 Day Reverse Resolution :)

i kind of lost my motivation mid-July.  i could blame it on a million different reasons, causes, situations and people.  I rather take the ownership and say that i just didn't commit enough to my cause.  

i know consistency brings results so this is going to be my focus for the next 90 days:

1. absolutely no sugary desserts or junk food
2. pre-planning my meals every day

3. snacks = fruits and vegetables, nothing else

4. i will commit to 3 salads a week

5. 1L of water a day

6. exercise 60 minutes a day

7. buy one new outfit every two weeks

8. focus daily on body image and makeup and hair, etc. 

90 days is more than enough to kick off the last 20 pounds that seem hopelessly stuck to me.  Mind over Matter.  i will conquer and prevail.  

to the stars, 

uma

it's not impossible.

"Do you choose to simply know the path, or do you choose to walk it?"

i was down to 134 lbs and i freaked out and now i am back up to 140 lbs.  i don't know why i do the things that i do.  i love myself enough to commit to these last 20 lbs with a vengeance.  i can do this! i know i can.  

i am doing another challenge this month. 30 days of no junk and lots of exercise.  that should help right?  i hope so.  maybe i'll throw in some yoga, more running, add some green tea three times a day - what else??! i just want to get to the finish line already! 


i am proud of the consistency in my weight loss - 40 lbs lighter is quite the accomplishment i thinks! just 20 more lbs to go.  this is more than doable. i just have to be consistent. i have to be dedicated and driven.  it's not impossible. 


to the stars, 


uma

miss. independent

"Don't sacrifice your future for a momentary pleasure" 

i always feel that i need "someone" to do everything.  i have been independent most of my life, but still there has been this lingering need for constant company.  and when i get the company, i get dependent.  i hate that in myself.  


and just like that i recently got used to going to the gym with my best friend, but she only goes like once every full moon so i've been somewhat mimicking this pattern.  and she only needs to tone, whereas i need to still lose 20 more lbs, well 22 if you considered all the hardcore binging that i managed to accomplish this week.  yet, i know what i need to do, and the task at hand does not require a teammate.   


yes, it is nice to have someone support you and be beside you, but if i can't realistically depend on anyone - i am more than capable of doing workouts by myself.  i see no other way.  the weak part of me is a bit bitter - and the strong part of me says "get over it!".  this is something i need to do for myself - and i CAN do this.  i do not lack friends.  i just have to know that this is a mission that needs to be completed, solo.  and if i meet people through this journey then i welcome the fresh faces.  


i know that i am not truly alone, ever.  i have to believe that the universe surrounds me with love and support every moment of my life.  this i believe and i cherish this knowing.  


I can do this - 22 more lbs, to be gone forever...


to the stars, 


uma


p.s. i just came back from a hardcore 1.5 hr workout session - cycling, running, sprinting, cardio, weights - the whole package! i am proud! and i am powerful beyond measure! rOAR! :)