control.

i started out the morning with the bestest of intentions. i only ate one slice of bread and i had one egg, everything was controlled in terms of portions. it was between waiting between breakfast and lunch a mere two hrs that my ravenous appetite arrived. i started with a second serving of rice for lunch and then munched on nerds, yummy potato chips seasoned with sea salt and pina colado ice cream and other amazing stuff. i dont understand why its so complicated.

meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

loose pants.

"Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about"

i went shopping for pants today. my work pants were literally sliding off of me every other second and i literally had to hold it up with my hands while walking. it was ridiculous, but that's how lose my pants have gotten. ^_^ yay!!! 

it gets better. i went this store that have fairly inexpensive pants, and since i am in transition mode i didn't want to break the bank on pants that i may have to replace (hopefully, fingers crossed) in another three months. right? well usually i get a M-L or L pants as most of their dress pants are pretty tight fitting. Medium hardly goes past my hips....but today they did!! i was super happy and impressed.  

i really feel that the un-obsession with the scale has helped me to focus less on numbers and more on my actions and habits, which is helping me move past the plateau. i think - i will measure Feb 1st, but until then i am going by what the clothes say.  my best friend saw me after like ten days and she noticed a big difference too, which just made me triple happy.  all in all it was a day with concrete results.

on other news, my big toe nail is in major pain, the nail on one side looks bruised.  i think i must have jammed it somewhere or wore my shoes too tight.  it didn't help that i ran with it today either, i just didn't want to lose the momentum. i hope my poor toe is okay :( the last thing i need is a set back.  

final note of the day - i am contemplating a 10k and a half marathon this year.  i am really really really intimidated by anything involving the word "marathon", so i think that's more reason to do it - don't you?  the 10k is in April & the 1/2 marathon is in October, which gives me ample time to train.  however, combined both courses will be close to $200 and i am really trying hard to get debt free among other pressing financial responsibilities.  so i am stumped on where to invest. decisions, decisions, descisions! 

to the stars, 

uma

on the conquest of beauty & more.

"do it for yourself"

i told myself i would journal every day, but sometimes routine becomes cumbersome.  today is one of those days. 


what is important? this is the question that's running through my mind today.  is 120 lbs a superficial goal or is it a goal of substance.  i won't lie, i want to look like a VS Model.  Miranda Kerr & Marisa Miller & Adriana Lima are inspiring to me.  but i wonder if this desire to sculpt the outside, somehow takes away from the inner beauty.  i know this is perhaps that strong and familiar voice within me that says you can never have everything, all at once.  


logically it seems as though you must always sacrifice or lose something to gain something else.  but perhaps the naive part of me wants to think that i will exchange the fat for this amazing fabulous life of "pretty".  will this goal take me to "petty"?  so what is important? i try to tell myself pleadingly that i am not doing this to become physically beautiful, but rather to become more healthy and fit, so that i can live life as an adventure, rather than a slow moving slug.  this makes my efforts seem more honorable and more marketable even.  


so i ask again what is important?  the society around me, beyond me, behind me - through the past and the present worship beauty.  all you have to do is walk into any Shopper's Drug Mart, an entire kiosk and department is dedicated to beauty and it's affiliates.  just flip through any magazine, it doesn't even have to be a fashion magazine - the beautiful and the ugly are clearly differentiated and labelled.  many times it comes to a single factor: size.  fat can never equal beauty.  if it does, it is done in the same way photographers create beauty in poverty, disease, and grief.  it is a charitable effort, if you know what i mean. 


so what is important? clearly, if being beautiful is not honorable, it must be the opposite.  something dark and unwarranted.  we really are good at these labels, how difficult can it get? we really only have two labels.  good and bad. there is no in between. nonetheless, within the answer to this question lies my motives and dissertation.    i need to know to continue this journey more convincingly.  




to the stars, 


uma 

oVer stiMuLated nErVouS syStEm

“The more consciousness you bring into your body the stronger your immune system becomes”

without getting too caught up into the science of things, i recently noticed that i cannot watch TV while exercising.  when i was younger i figured that reading in a moving vehicle brought nausea and severe headaches.    taking the TTC to work i realized that if i sat parallel to the moving landscape i can read without any major issues. so i just couldn't handle my eyes reading one direction while things were moving in another direction around me.  in the last two years i realize that coffee gives me the jitters, anxiety and anger issues.  i don't drink pop, if i do, i can't go to sleep.  i can't have too much sugar. 

most days and hours i need to constantly pre-occupy my mind with facts, mindless or otherwise.  like for example today, i read up on the kim dotcom situation (all 10 articles written on different angles of the situation), SOPA, anti-piracy stances, Bill Clinton's lawer, brown adipose tissue (3 different journal studies), nasal breathing techniques, green tea, caffeine content and it's effects, yoga, a bunch of weight loss blogs, etc. -- all within a matter of a few hours.  i think i probably went through 3 dozen articles within the span of 4 hours while doing work related stuff.  maybe add ADD on that list as well...

the point is i know that i have an over stimulated mind, that easily feeds off any stimuli.  i learned that i need to learn to relax and take it easy. take it one step at a time.  how does this relate to weight loss? if i don't keep my mind in a linear focus i will lose myself in all this external chaos i purposely surround myself with.  i need to be at peace within myself so that i can see the finish line at all times, otherwise i will get lost and drift off course. maybe i need to add meditation to my daily todo's.   

om shanthi. om shanthi. om shanthi. 

to the stars, 

uma

what is junk?

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

that picture was from a huge binge spree i had in September 2011, the brown bag has freshly baked jumbo chocolate croissants.  to be fair my sister did indulge in this stack as well, as did my parents. so no i didn't sit there all of it by myself.  but it was my idea and i did eat a lot of it, most of it >_<  


i had another binge episode on Sunday - not impressed. sometimes we all need a reminder of what junk food is, okay fine i need a reminder! so here is my wee little reminder, actually i just remembered something i created with a friend a few years back...found it!: 

Eliminate	Enhance
white bread	whole grain/wheat
cold food (ie. ice-cream)	warm/hot food
fried food (ie. fries)	grilled/baked food
chocolate	fruits
desserts/pastries	vegetables
cookies	dried fruit/raisins/dates
chips	nuts/legumes
pop	water
coffee?	green tea
cream	skim milk
unhealthy fats/oils	healthy oils
sugary fruit juices	freshly squeezed fruits

copying this on here made me realize how much i am depriving myself of foods that i genuinely love and adore.  having been down this weight loss journey before, i know that eventually all the bad food really will make me feel "bad". but right now all i am craving is a good piece of Bounty.  I know that no food is "bad", it's all about moderation.  


unfortunately, moderation didn't get me to my current position, so i am going to have to sacrifice for awhile until i get back on track.  yet at the same time, i am not going to go all bonkers if i slip here and there.  i just have to plan my indulgence.




to the stars, 




uma   

she is lazy.

"your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same."

what am i waiting for? i don't know. i didn't go to the gym today. i didn't go yesterday either, but i worked out at home for about 25 minutes. i hope i do that today too. personally, i would be happy to just stay in and laze around. 


the thought of going to the gym exhausts me. but when i do manage to go, i feel exhilerated. i feel great and proud of myself. why doesn't this feeling energize me? why won't it motivate me to do the right thing. i slept for a good 10 1/2 hours. i know! way too much sleep. i woke up at 8 am and had a blasted headache, my head was literally throbbing, so i went back to sleep. woke up feeling a bit groggy at 1pm, but refreshed. yet i was not happy with myself for being so sloppy with my day off. i haven't done anything productive today except for my laundry.  i am mentally beating myself up for the shortfall, but i am not productively doing anything to offset this lack of commitment.  


i have to do something. i just don't know what. 




to the stars, 


uma