she binged.

she let it go. 

after class i went to spring rolls with bff and binged and good sushi, miso soup and mango salad - it was all you can eat. so you can imagine the amount of food. then i came home had a french vanilla, 1 mini srilankan patty, rotti with potato and green tea, and a merci chocolate bar and a mini yogurt and half a bagel with cream cheese and tomato.  i binged.  i wasn't all that hungry. i was just restless and mostly directionless.  so i ate.  i always resort to food at moments like these.  i don't know what makes food so enticing to me - but it's my most comfortable thing to do when i have nothing to do. 

i have to stop. 

but first i will forgive myself.  

i have to commit to something other than eating.  if i feel directionless i should just take any old direction.  because slowly numbing myself will not help. and drowning myself in food will not be better than any purposeful direction.  i will figure things out.  but i will not resort to food.  

to the stars, 

uma

scared.

"every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again"

i just entered the 140s. i should be super excited and happy, but my bratty brain is like "how much longer till the next 2 lbs: 202,309,323 more months to go?" sarcastic, much?


i know progress has been moving at snail's pace, like super slow snail pace. i want to just push the fat off of a cliff already, but i just have to bite my tongue and be patient.  it really was a miracle that i am in the 140s as my food habits weren't perfect the last week.  i will try my best to improve them this week. and i think that's basically it, every week i will get better.  i just have to remind myself this.  


i still haven't made the gym a habit so that is something that i have to work on as well.  and i still need to learn how to cook. okay here are some short-term goals to focus on: 


1. daily journalling
2. preparing lunch for work 
3. eating under 1200 calories a day
4. exercising 5 times a week at the gym, 2 days at home
5. getting more knowledgeable about food


i hope i keep seeing a consistent loss every week, till my birthday and till i reach my UGW of 120 lbs.  i have much hope and fear.  hopefully hope will prevail. 




to the stars, 


uma 

oVer stiMuLated nErVouS syStEm

“The more consciousness you bring into your body the stronger your immune system becomes”

without getting too caught up into the science of things, i recently noticed that i cannot watch TV while exercising.  when i was younger i figured that reading in a moving vehicle brought nausea and severe headaches.    taking the TTC to work i realized that if i sat parallel to the moving landscape i can read without any major issues. so i just couldn't handle my eyes reading one direction while things were moving in another direction around me.  in the last two years i realize that coffee gives me the jitters, anxiety and anger issues.  i don't drink pop, if i do, i can't go to sleep.  i can't have too much sugar. 

most days and hours i need to constantly pre-occupy my mind with facts, mindless or otherwise.  like for example today, i read up on the kim dotcom situation (all 10 articles written on different angles of the situation), SOPA, anti-piracy stances, Bill Clinton's lawer, brown adipose tissue (3 different journal studies), nasal breathing techniques, green tea, caffeine content and it's effects, yoga, a bunch of weight loss blogs, etc. -- all within a matter of a few hours.  i think i probably went through 3 dozen articles within the span of 4 hours while doing work related stuff.  maybe add ADD on that list as well...

the point is i know that i have an over stimulated mind, that easily feeds off any stimuli.  i learned that i need to learn to relax and take it easy. take it one step at a time.  how does this relate to weight loss? if i don't keep my mind in a linear focus i will lose myself in all this external chaos i purposely surround myself with.  i need to be at peace within myself so that i can see the finish line at all times, otherwise i will get lost and drift off course. maybe i need to add meditation to my daily todo's.   

om shanthi. om shanthi. om shanthi. 

to the stars, 

uma