chapter 2.

Nourish the Soul.

i can't remember the last time i felt that i have really worked towards my fitness goals. it's been hard emotionally and it seemed like i have been spiraling downwards rather than moving towards my goals.  i gained at least 15 lbs.  i am sad. but not hopeless. 

i want to change course. i want to get back on track. and i will. i am confident. and this time i will not stop till i get to the end.  i promise.  

first things first - this week till the end of Sunday I am going to focus on eating.  I might even focus on eating till the end of next week.  what does this mean - i need to figure out breakfast, lunch and salad.  i will only eat fruits as snacks nothing else. except maybe vegetables.  

i've been eating like crazy at work - it's not good. in fact it's been super bad.  i don't know what to take to work. i am thinking that tuesday to thursday i will have only Subway.  and then Monday and Friday i fast - so that won't be an issue. dinners will strictly be salads.  i heard some people eat a bag of salad like chips. that sounds a bit crazy to me - even though i did finish a whole box of Godiva, which should register me as more crazy.  maybe my mental faculties will become more in tact once i get back on track. who know's maybe i'll be eating a bag salad in the near future.  

okay back to planning food - it sounds so easy. fruits, salad, subway and vegetables. why is it so hard?! i am constantly craving sweets and warm bread and cheesy gooyness and creamy stuff.  these are the things that my body naturally craves for.  correction these are the things my appetite craves.  but this is also where self-control is lacking on my part.  my cravings will no longer rule me, especially not make me eat horrible food.  

i have to get back to taking pictures of my food that really helped and writing down what i ate.  i can do this.  okay re-cap of meal plan: 

1. breakfast, lunch and salad
2. breakfast can be fruits
3. lunch can be Subway
4. dinner has to be salad
5. take picture of food
6. drinks will have to be warm/hot
7. drinks can only be water and plain teas
8. 800 calorie limit per day
9. drink at least one litre of water a day
10. forgive myself when i fail

fingers crossed. chapter 2 begins. 

to the stars, 

uma

scared.

"every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again"

i just entered the 140s. i should be super excited and happy, but my bratty brain is like "how much longer till the next 2 lbs: 202,309,323 more months to go?" sarcastic, much?


i know progress has been moving at snail's pace, like super slow snail pace. i want to just push the fat off of a cliff already, but i just have to bite my tongue and be patient.  it really was a miracle that i am in the 140s as my food habits weren't perfect the last week.  i will try my best to improve them this week. and i think that's basically it, every week i will get better.  i just have to remind myself this.  


i still haven't made the gym a habit so that is something that i have to work on as well.  and i still need to learn how to cook. okay here are some short-term goals to focus on: 


1. daily journalling
2. preparing lunch for work 
3. eating under 1200 calories a day
4. exercising 5 times a week at the gym, 2 days at home
5. getting more knowledgeable about food


i hope i keep seeing a consistent loss every week, till my birthday and till i reach my UGW of 120 lbs.  i have much hope and fear.  hopefully hope will prevail. 




to the stars, 


uma 

loose pants.

"Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about"

i went shopping for pants today. my work pants were literally sliding off of me every other second and i literally had to hold it up with my hands while walking. it was ridiculous, but that's how lose my pants have gotten. ^_^ yay!!! 

it gets better. i went this store that have fairly inexpensive pants, and since i am in transition mode i didn't want to break the bank on pants that i may have to replace (hopefully, fingers crossed) in another three months. right? well usually i get a M-L or L pants as most of their dress pants are pretty tight fitting. Medium hardly goes past my hips....but today they did!! i was super happy and impressed.  

i really feel that the un-obsession with the scale has helped me to focus less on numbers and more on my actions and habits, which is helping me move past the plateau. i think - i will measure Feb 1st, but until then i am going by what the clothes say.  my best friend saw me after like ten days and she noticed a big difference too, which just made me triple happy.  all in all it was a day with concrete results.

on other news, my big toe nail is in major pain, the nail on one side looks bruised.  i think i must have jammed it somewhere or wore my shoes too tight.  it didn't help that i ran with it today either, i just didn't want to lose the momentum. i hope my poor toe is okay :( the last thing i need is a set back.  

final note of the day - i am contemplating a 10k and a half marathon this year.  i am really really really intimidated by anything involving the word "marathon", so i think that's more reason to do it - don't you?  the 10k is in April & the 1/2 marathon is in October, which gives me ample time to train.  however, combined both courses will be close to $200 and i am really trying hard to get debt free among other pressing financial responsibilities.  so i am stumped on where to invest. decisions, decisions, descisions! 

to the stars, 

uma

she is lazy.

"your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same."

what am i waiting for? i don't know. i didn't go to the gym today. i didn't go yesterday either, but i worked out at home for about 25 minutes. i hope i do that today too. personally, i would be happy to just stay in and laze around. 


the thought of going to the gym exhausts me. but when i do manage to go, i feel exhilerated. i feel great and proud of myself. why doesn't this feeling energize me? why won't it motivate me to do the right thing. i slept for a good 10 1/2 hours. i know! way too much sleep. i woke up at 8 am and had a blasted headache, my head was literally throbbing, so i went back to sleep. woke up feeling a bit groggy at 1pm, but refreshed. yet i was not happy with myself for being so sloppy with my day off. i haven't done anything productive today except for my laundry.  i am mentally beating myself up for the shortfall, but i am not productively doing anything to offset this lack of commitment.  


i have to do something. i just don't know what. 




to the stars, 


uma

intense desires

"mistakes are proof that you are trying"

i want to do this. but then i question my motive. i question the depth of my desire to do this.  why do i want to be 120 lbs: 


- to gain confidence
- to have a fashionable and trendy wardrobe
- to be more physically active 
- to have no physical limitations
- to feel healthy 
- to feel respected
- to feel admired
- to feel like "myself" 
- to feel visible


is this enough? are these reasons inspiring? are they enough to see me through the next 30 lbs? so far they haven't been.  maybe i am not reiterating these reasons to myself at the required intensity.  maybe i am not passionate about these reasons. what is the alternative? 


- to feel fat
- to squirm every time i have to see a picture of myself 
- to feel unworthy of love & admiration
- to feel disrespected
- to feel ignored 
- to feel judged and undervalued
- to feel suffocated beneath the mass of my skin, that feeling of being buried alive
- to feel like physically everything is impossible, or that i would look comical (ie. dancing)
- to love and admire fashion from afar, but never feel worthy of it
- to feel amiss and unmotivated to move to live to work ... to do anything


these reasons are much more powerful motives, yet they leave me uninspired still.  the negatives just make me feel like i am running away, without much direction.  direction is wanting something, it is knowing your destination and walking with purpose and conviction.  


i need to want this. to desire this. to feel it. i want to taste 120 lbs the same way one's mouth salivates upon hearing someone utter ones favorite dish. i want to want 120 lbs with such intensity.  i want to believe that 120 lbs is where i want to be, because at this very moment i don't want it that "bad", partially due to laziness and partially due to low self-esteem. 


low self-esteem? yes! 


low self-esteem, because somewhere along my life i told myself that i am okay with being fat, disrespected, ignored, judged, undervalued, suffocated, etc. i told myself that i could bear self-resentment and mediocre living.  i told myself that i would survive life living like this. 


so this is what i have to change. my belief system.  i have to tell myself and truly believe that i deserve better. in every way possible. that i will be happy and that's okay.  i have to look forward to wanting something and truly believing that i can attain it.  that happiness exists, and not only in a mediocre way.  i have to believe that a good life exists and i deserve it and it's in my hands to drive that kind of a life. there is so much work to be done. 




to the stars, 


uma