scared.

"every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again"

i just entered the 140s. i should be super excited and happy, but my bratty brain is like "how much longer till the next 2 lbs: 202,309,323 more months to go?" sarcastic, much?


i know progress has been moving at snail's pace, like super slow snail pace. i want to just push the fat off of a cliff already, but i just have to bite my tongue and be patient.  it really was a miracle that i am in the 140s as my food habits weren't perfect the last week.  i will try my best to improve them this week. and i think that's basically it, every week i will get better.  i just have to remind myself this.  


i still haven't made the gym a habit so that is something that i have to work on as well.  and i still need to learn how to cook. okay here are some short-term goals to focus on: 


1. daily journalling
2. preparing lunch for work 
3. eating under 1200 calories a day
4. exercising 5 times a week at the gym, 2 days at home
5. getting more knowledgeable about food


i hope i keep seeing a consistent loss every week, till my birthday and till i reach my UGW of 120 lbs.  i have much hope and fear.  hopefully hope will prevail. 




to the stars, 


uma 

meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

loose pants.

"Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about"

i went shopping for pants today. my work pants were literally sliding off of me every other second and i literally had to hold it up with my hands while walking. it was ridiculous, but that's how lose my pants have gotten. ^_^ yay!!! 

it gets better. i went this store that have fairly inexpensive pants, and since i am in transition mode i didn't want to break the bank on pants that i may have to replace (hopefully, fingers crossed) in another three months. right? well usually i get a M-L or L pants as most of their dress pants are pretty tight fitting. Medium hardly goes past my hips....but today they did!! i was super happy and impressed.  

i really feel that the un-obsession with the scale has helped me to focus less on numbers and more on my actions and habits, which is helping me move past the plateau. i think - i will measure Feb 1st, but until then i am going by what the clothes say.  my best friend saw me after like ten days and she noticed a big difference too, which just made me triple happy.  all in all it was a day with concrete results.

on other news, my big toe nail is in major pain, the nail on one side looks bruised.  i think i must have jammed it somewhere or wore my shoes too tight.  it didn't help that i ran with it today either, i just didn't want to lose the momentum. i hope my poor toe is okay :( the last thing i need is a set back.  

final note of the day - i am contemplating a 10k and a half marathon this year.  i am really really really intimidated by anything involving the word "marathon", so i think that's more reason to do it - don't you?  the 10k is in April & the 1/2 marathon is in October, which gives me ample time to train.  however, combined both courses will be close to $200 and i am really trying hard to get debt free among other pressing financial responsibilities.  so i am stumped on where to invest. decisions, decisions, descisions! 

to the stars, 

uma

a procrastinator's dilemma

"Cause you're all talk, and no action
You're all talk, but no action"

i didn't go to the gym yesterday. instead i binged. i was good at work - until we had cheesecake for a co-worker's bday - i should have said no, instead i had a small piece.  


when i got home at 8 i ate some more.   i already had dinner at work so my plan was to be food free for the remainder of the evening, but i had a severe case of the munchies.  i wanted to go to the gym but i didn't, not in the morning and not in the evening and not this morning as i had pleadingly promised myself last night. 


how will i lose 30 pounds in less than 3 months if i keep going on like this? what am i saying - how is it even possible to lose 30 pounds in less than 3 months...? 


i do this with every aspect of my life - i wait to do anything substantial until the very last minute, until it becomes blatantly impossible to do anything.  maybe this is my unconscious self-trickery to ensure that i don't do anything at all. 


According to losertown.org i can be 129.8 lbs by Mar 13 -- IF i stick to a 700 calories/day diet with 3-5 days of moderate activity.  i have to learn to be disciplined. this is hard. ho-hum.




to the stars, 


uma

determined.

"dreams don`t work unless you do."

today was super hard. this whole month has been super hard. hard physically, mentally, emotionally...i keep saying that i want to move past this plateau and keep moving south on the weight loss chart. but my weight hasn't budged since the last progress point and i am beyond frustrated.


i feel demotivated and i have been binge eating to fill that void emptiness that comes with no progress. i have to keep reminding myself that binge eating, playing games on my phone and surfing the net are adding nothing worth while to my life. instead i have to put more effort into things that make a difference and add value to my life: i.e. my career, entrepreneurship and even the creative arts. instead i keep indulging in life leeching, mind numbing, time wasting activities.


i hope Monday now will be a new start.




to the stars,


uma

days of our cycles.

"have less. do more. be more."

i feel like today has been a day of emotional roller coasters. i've been binging on food as ferociously as a bear getting prepared to hibernate. my emotions are seriously on an all time high - i am super sensitive and i feel that no one is nice.


i know its the time of the month and this is that dreaded time where control, dedication, commitment and diet and fitness are synonymous with non-existent. this is that time where a whole months work gets tossed out the window in a matter of a few measley days. tres sad.


i hope tomorrow will be different - i hope i get over this crappy plateau and start to get back on track - i want to, so badly, be rid of the 150's once and for all.


to the stars,


uma