happy food.

You must act as if it is impossible to fail.

~Ashanti Proverb~

i am going to go wanted to go grocery shopping today.  


i notice that when i leave my food choices to fate it ends up being really unhealthy by default.  so i've been doing alot of research on snacking and meals, and i am gonna stick to a "maximum 2 snacks a day, only if i need it" basis, and the traditional 3 meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner. 


i am going to do a one meal only type  fasting on Fridays. i was reading some articles on the occasional fasting, it is also something that is practiced religiously in my culture.  i remember last year i was doing this prayer, where i had to fast on consecutive tuesdays for however many weeks and i felt really good during that time.  


i really want to eliminate junk food, but i realize i am emotionally attached to this food because all through life i have celebrated the junk.  Think Birthday cakes, Dessert, Halloween treats, etc.  Every special occasion in most our lives involves splurging on junk.  What this is teaching me is that i have to build a lasting relationship with healthy food, in a similar celebratory manner.  i don't know exactly how i am going to do that, but I have to find a way.  i am good at drinking my green tea, i revere the time spent sipping on it - it gives me much peace and happiness.  i just have to incorporate other healthy foods in a similar way. 


everyone around me comments on how much my face has gotten slimmer.  i can almost see my left cheek dimple again.  i have a weigh in looming over me tomorrow - i hope i do good...




to the stars, 


uma

meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

loose pants.

"Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about"

i went shopping for pants today. my work pants were literally sliding off of me every other second and i literally had to hold it up with my hands while walking. it was ridiculous, but that's how lose my pants have gotten. ^_^ yay!!! 

it gets better. i went this store that have fairly inexpensive pants, and since i am in transition mode i didn't want to break the bank on pants that i may have to replace (hopefully, fingers crossed) in another three months. right? well usually i get a M-L or L pants as most of their dress pants are pretty tight fitting. Medium hardly goes past my hips....but today they did!! i was super happy and impressed.  

i really feel that the un-obsession with the scale has helped me to focus less on numbers and more on my actions and habits, which is helping me move past the plateau. i think - i will measure Feb 1st, but until then i am going by what the clothes say.  my best friend saw me after like ten days and she noticed a big difference too, which just made me triple happy.  all in all it was a day with concrete results.

on other news, my big toe nail is in major pain, the nail on one side looks bruised.  i think i must have jammed it somewhere or wore my shoes too tight.  it didn't help that i ran with it today either, i just didn't want to lose the momentum. i hope my poor toe is okay :( the last thing i need is a set back.  

final note of the day - i am contemplating a 10k and a half marathon this year.  i am really really really intimidated by anything involving the word "marathon", so i think that's more reason to do it - don't you?  the 10k is in April & the 1/2 marathon is in October, which gives me ample time to train.  however, combined both courses will be close to $200 and i am really trying hard to get debt free among other pressing financial responsibilities.  so i am stumped on where to invest. decisions, decisions, descisions! 

to the stars, 

uma

to seek inspiration.

"If I could ask for one thing it wouldn't be happiness,wealth,or any form of success.  Every day I pray for inspiration.  Inspiration every day."

i am still unmotivated. there are things i need to make a regular habit/routine: 


- pre-planning meals
- saying no to junk/chocolate
- going to the gym daily - no excuses
- waking up early 
- recording my meals and all intake
- drinking more water
- eating more greens 
- eat more whole grain/whole wheat


i am better than i was in the last four years. but i can still be better. i think i should join some classes - i am thinking bootcamp, more bellydancing, swimming and tennis.  i have 56 days till my goal date, i need to bring this up a notch.  feel 1/10th of milimeter more inspired than i was before i started this blog. that reminds me, most important routine/habit: 

Keep Blogging Daily

to the stars, 


uma

gone with the wind

"if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"

if there is one thing that this weight loss journey has taught me, it's that i can't live life passively.  i have let life pass me by.  i have hardly ever been a "by the reins" type of girl, i usually go where the wind takes me.  i don't fuss much & it takes a lot to faze me.  don't get me wrong, i've always had dreams and desires but i just never really went out of my way to seek these out.  if i want to make this weight loss a reality i can't keep on living in such a way where i take what i get.  i need to set out a plan and get what i want.  


i've gotten so much better at being more goal-oriented in the last few years, but there is still a long way to go. it both excites and saddens me.  i feel like i lost a lot of valuable time, but i can't get myself into knot regretting - there: 30 seconds alotted for self pity. and.... done! time to get back up, dust myself and keep moving forward.  


i really need to work on meal planning, even if i stay within my calories - i still feel that i am not getting enough greens.  this will take conscious pre-planning on my part.  i was supposed to go the gym today as per my plan, but then i psyched myself out by reading an article claiming that runners need off days too and that they are subject to tearing this and that by continuous daily exercising.  i worked out for two days in a row and i can't believe i read an article and decided that i needed a day off! not impressed -_-


i am also going to be working with 4 hrs of sleep today, that was another convenient excuse for me to skip the gym.  i had a really scary and disturbing dream that woke me up at 4am, after dozing off at 1.  in my dream my face broke out in white blisters, something about sami being mad at me - like in ambal varutham.  it was quite disturbing, my friend said that i need to be more committed spiritually - oddly enough i have been slacking off.  i used to pray almost everyday, but the last couple of years i have somehow detached myself spiritually.  


i also need to take more control over my sleep, meaning i need to get in eight hours of sleep for a functional day. all in all more action, less reaction.   


to the stars, 


uma

intense desires

"mistakes are proof that you are trying"

i want to do this. but then i question my motive. i question the depth of my desire to do this.  why do i want to be 120 lbs: 


- to gain confidence
- to have a fashionable and trendy wardrobe
- to be more physically active 
- to have no physical limitations
- to feel healthy 
- to feel respected
- to feel admired
- to feel like "myself" 
- to feel visible


is this enough? are these reasons inspiring? are they enough to see me through the next 30 lbs? so far they haven't been.  maybe i am not reiterating these reasons to myself at the required intensity.  maybe i am not passionate about these reasons. what is the alternative? 


- to feel fat
- to squirm every time i have to see a picture of myself 
- to feel unworthy of love & admiration
- to feel disrespected
- to feel ignored 
- to feel judged and undervalued
- to feel suffocated beneath the mass of my skin, that feeling of being buried alive
- to feel like physically everything is impossible, or that i would look comical (ie. dancing)
- to love and admire fashion from afar, but never feel worthy of it
- to feel amiss and unmotivated to move to live to work ... to do anything


these reasons are much more powerful motives, yet they leave me uninspired still.  the negatives just make me feel like i am running away, without much direction.  direction is wanting something, it is knowing your destination and walking with purpose and conviction.  


i need to want this. to desire this. to feel it. i want to taste 120 lbs the same way one's mouth salivates upon hearing someone utter ones favorite dish. i want to want 120 lbs with such intensity.  i want to believe that 120 lbs is where i want to be, because at this very moment i don't want it that "bad", partially due to laziness and partially due to low self-esteem. 


low self-esteem? yes! 


low self-esteem, because somewhere along my life i told myself that i am okay with being fat, disrespected, ignored, judged, undervalued, suffocated, etc. i told myself that i could bear self-resentment and mediocre living.  i told myself that i would survive life living like this. 


so this is what i have to change. my belief system.  i have to tell myself and truly believe that i deserve better. in every way possible. that i will be happy and that's okay.  i have to look forward to wanting something and truly believing that i can attain it.  that happiness exists, and not only in a mediocre way.  i have to believe that a good life exists and i deserve it and it's in my hands to drive that kind of a life. there is so much work to be done. 




to the stars, 


uma

excuses & other limitations

"what you do today can improve all your tomorrows."

there is always an excuse or another for not going to the gym. like this morning when i woke up at 730am to go to the gym but i never actually "got up"


with the increased mobility of technology, which includes my ipad, touchpad and iphone, i can easily stay in bed and entertain myself for hours with surfing and reading and playing games -- and by hours, i mean literally hours, no exaggerations.  its 1046am and i have managed to waste enough time that now i have the convenient excuse of "can't be late to work" to avoid the gym again.  


i am so bad with routine - i hate doing things the same way every day. my simple wisdom here used to be "the less of routine, the more of life" and i often fooled myself thinking that routine was the same as boring, dull and constrained living.  but with my fitness goal far behind and it's deadline looming not too far ahead, it's become blatantly obvious that i must make routine necessary.  


first thing first, i am going to get rid of all technology in my bedroom.  this way i am not tempted to stay in bed with my iPad roaming the furthest corners of webspace and facebook.  also i have to get into the mindset that not every day of routine will be grueling, horrible work.  my lazy manners detest such work, but the truth of the matter is that not every day will be same even with routine - some days i know i will see breakthroughs to keep me motivated, while other days will be spent working towards stretch goals with no overtly obvious results.  the bottom line is that keeping routine will never be done in vain, it will never be a futile effort.  


the common knowledge is that it takes 21 days to make something a habit and 6 months to make it part of your personality. 


Day 1. I will go to the gym today. 




to the stars, 


uma

new years resolutions.

"it takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to notice.  Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit."

the best feeling in life is that moment in time when you feel like you have a clean slate.  each new year i am invigorated with this feeling.  


this year, the sensation is not any different, but it is dampened from year after year of not reaching my goal weight. yet as always i am gonna do my best to launch this year with the most optimistic mindset possible. i am gonna take all the lessons of the past few years of failures and stalling and falling backwards to guide me throughout this new year.  


2012 is going to be the year of The Diet. diet is 70 percent of this game, so i need to zero in my focus this year.  i often cheat and cheating always comes at a high price - my health & weight.  so this year i want to eliminate junk food entirely from my diet.   


food is a distraction especially when i am plateauing as i have been for the past few months.  food is my comfort.  i often go to food when i feel down, but during the plateau period, it's even worse.  food becomes my "bestie".  i need to breakup with junk and find a replacement. i need to find comfort somewhere else.   i've been a vegetarian for a good 6 years now, so i figure if i can eliminate meat, i can eliminate junk! 


also i need to go hardcore with working out as well. i love feeling strong.  i enjoy going to the gym, but i need to ensure that i am consistent.  i am so scared that i am gonna turn 28 and be at the very same spot that i am at right now. it scares me like nothing else.  i need to commit to this demon and fight it.  i hope this year i don't fail. 


i deserve this. i will work hard for this. i will attain my goal. i will be 120 by the time i turn 28.  




to the stars, 


uma          

Patience is a Virtue

"it does not matter how slow you go -- so long as you do not stop"

~ confucius

consistent i am not.  i start something with such intense purposefulness but i often trail off my path with not a second thought.  i went to the gym the night before. didn't go yesterday. and have all the intentions in the world to go today. i hope i do.  


i haven't been consistent or committed to posting my meals too.  but i have eaten for sure! more than i should have. LOL.  it just occurred to me that i didn't forget to eat.  i am almost always consistent in never skipping meals. but when it comes to this fitness goal that i have mulling around with for the past few months i am not committed.  if only i gave the posting, and exercising and meal planning as much importance as i am in eating i would have been at 120 lbs by now. tres sad.   


if i posted my meals as diligent as my three meals a day habit i would have been there by now.  i don't know what stops me from making fitness and health a priority. i know patience is a huge factor. if i don't see results in a nanosecond i get exasperated. and weight loss is very much a waiting game.  you have to keep eating right: every meal, every snack, every day - day in and out... forever. 


you have to exercise with precision, frequently at high intensities, endure pain and challenge yourself just a little further each day.  and you have to keep doing the right things blindly - just keep doing them and eventually you will start seeing results.  and the results don't come in a consistently either.  you might see a 2 pound win this week maybe nothing next week so you change up your routine a little and then you might see another few pounds drop off and then maybe nothing for two weeks.  but the point is regardless of what the scale says, you have to keep going. and i, utterly, suck at this process as i want to see results on a daily basis. 


so in my feat with consistency i realize my struggle is also with patience, commitment, and focus.  i hope i gain these skills sooner than later and that by march 2012 i am where i always wanted to be. and off to the gym!  


to the stars, 


uma

falling off the wagon.

"I've missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I've lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." 

~ Michael Jordan

i didn't go to the gym for three days in a row.  i read somewhere today that i should never let two consecutive days pass without going to the gym. i feel that i failed, and i feel that i haven't.  


day one of missing gym: i hadn't seen my boyfriend in a couple of days and he finally had some time to meet up so i had to sacrifice gym for relationship time. 


day 2 was missed because of an excessive shopping binge. i often feel that i don't have enough clothes, even though realistically i have enough clothes for an entire nations army.  yes, no exaggeration. sometimes i just like the feeling of brand new clothes. plus i really live by retail therapy. it just gives me this high. but i have to stop, because from a wallet point of view it's more damage than healing.  anyways four hours and 2 malls and 2 bills later i was too tired to go to the gym. 


day 3 - date night. fridays is date night, so i have to sacrifice gym time for relationship time. 


and now i am on day 4.  i am determined to go to the gym today even though i am in such sour mood. i always feel like i am in a crap mood when i haven't exercised.  this just gives me more reason to go to the gym.  i hope i will make the effort to go.  


i tried to convince my bf to come to the gym with me, but he refuses. so i have to work around going to the gym on the days that i see him, maybe i can do strength training at home on days that i see him.  sometimes it's hard to balance your life with someone, especially during weight loss mode.  i often get frustrated, but i guess i need to learn to make things work.


and i have to avoid the mall, unless i have an actual need.  food and shopping have always been my go to when i am feeling down.  maybe i need to journal my feelings rather than replace them with treats & calories and bling & the latest trends.  


gosh why can't this take less effort?


all i know is that i am NOT giving up. 




to the stars, 


uma

obsessed.

"it's never too late to change your life."

i admit i am super obsessed with weight loss. i can't help it. i feel trapped in the skin i stretched.  i've been waiting to come down on the scale into the 140's but it's been over a year and i am still stuck stubbornly in the 150s.  i need some kind of divine intervention bc it's obvious that i am unable to do it myself. 


i went to the gym four days in a row this week and every morning i step onto the scale with high anticipation that this will be the day that i break into the 140s, but i step off trying not to crush my self esteem after i see the same stubborn numbers.  i try really hard to be positive and to keep myself believing that i can overcome this, but i feel at a loss. 


i know my eating isn't perfect - but i have been under 1000 calories/day, actually closer to the 800 mark and it makes me really angry that nothing is affected. 


i just want to see the 140s so badly i don't want to end this year in the 150s. i would be super mad and discouraged if i don't get to that point by December 31st.  it's especially disheartening b/c i see all these wellness blogs and fitness sites confirm that it is possible to lose 2 pounds per week with the right exercise & diet - but so far i have been losing 2 pounds every four months or so. i don't understand what i am doing wrong.  it's so frustrating. 

all i know is that i don't want to give up - i don't want to stay at this point, i have to keep going because the alternative is not an option i am giving myself.  i know what giving up feels like, and it's not pretty - literally and figuratively.  so i will keep moving along, but i hope i can find some divine intervention to help me. i need it most right now. 

to the stars, 

uma

lucky streak.

"work for it."

i went to the gym four days in a row. i feel both exhilerated and scared shitless.


why? because usually when i am this motivated and consistent, i stop or fail. 


i hope things are different this time. i hope i can quit this streak of giving up and failure. i hope i can keep this momentum up.  


i desperately want this to be a lifestyle change that beats all odds & is persistent throughout the rest of my life.


amen. 




to the stars, 


uma

if you're moving, you're losing.

"a goal without a plan is just a wish."

i am not moving so what does that make me? gaining?!?!


i havent gone to the gym in a little over a week, but finding the motivation to go has been super hard since the cold weather (aka hell) broke out. 


all i wanna do is hibernate at home with a cup of hot Tea.  lucky bears! -___-


my cousin suggested that i stick a picture of food in front of the treadmill and "leg it hard!" LOL


i enjoy group classes, in the summer i was enrolled in hot yoga, belly dancing, & swimming.  i felt really motivated to go the classes and felt physically fit. i was moving & losing, but since stopping in September i have been at a standstill both literally and on the scale.


so maybe that's what i need to do, join a new set of classes to motivate me and keep me moving. and maybe at the same time lose some. 




to the stars,


uma

lessons from my mother.

"telling a child she is “good” or “bad” based off of the food she eats is confusing for her. Young children want to please. If she gets praise from an adult for what or how much she eats that is another reason to ignore her internal cues and rely on external cues and praise to guide their eating. Not to mention the emotions (negative and positive) that can begin to form around food. Children are “good” because they treat their friends and family with love and kindness, not because they can finish their sandwich."   {source}

my mom had many rules to adhere to growing up, but 3 have stuck to me like glue:


1. always finish your plate(s)
2. dont let food go to waste
3. dont let yourself go hungry (aka. eat before you get hungry)


These were the easiest of all rules to embrace as a kid, easier than do your homework, don't watch TV, don't draw on the walls, etc.  


following these simple rules ensured that i was praised and noted by my parents. and it really worked well for my parents - they never had to deal with dinner time tantrums, like with my sister to eat her food.  i was the example to follow for all my cousins.  and none of my mom's hard grueling work over the kitchen went to waste.  their hard earned monies never went to a waste. and i never looked malnourished, so that meant they had fed me well, which translated into they are great parents.  and the bonus: i was a "good girl". 


and flash forward a few years and 100s of pounds and diets later, these are the rules that I am having the hardest time letting go of.  i am getting better, but then it's so easy to slip back to what has been ingrained in me for the last 25 years.  i always have a hard time not finishing the plate, throwing food, and i always seem to be in a race with hunger -- with no need to say that i never lose.   


i thought about this yesterday when i saw the marble chocolate cake in the fridge around dinner time - it was yummy and extra choclatey and i realized that if i didnt eat it, it would go to waste.


what!?!? 


or more importantly, so what?


i needed to let it go to waste because the last thing that i needed was cake.  considering i had an everything bagel with crazy amounts of cream cheese for breakfast and a Big Mac (without Meat) for lunch WITH fries on the side.


Did i really need a slice of cake? apparently I DID - two big slices of them.  


and to make matters worse i had the same cake for breakfast this morning. there was a minor victory however: this time i had one slice & i left one slice, the very last piece. i left that last piece in the fridge even though every cell in my body wanted to devour it.  maybe it will be wasted or consumed by another family member, but not me. it looks like i am a "good girl" after all. 




to the stars, 


uma

days of our cycles.

"have less. do more. be more."

i feel like today has been a day of emotional roller coasters. i've been binging on food as ferociously as a bear getting prepared to hibernate. my emotions are seriously on an all time high - i am super sensitive and i feel that no one is nice.


i know its the time of the month and this is that dreaded time where control, dedication, commitment and diet and fitness are synonymous with non-existent. this is that time where a whole months work gets tossed out the window in a matter of a few measley days. tres sad.


i hope tomorrow will be different - i hope i get over this crappy plateau and start to get back on track - i want to, so badly, be rid of the 150's once and for all.


to the stars,


uma

the first post.

“Go on an Adventure.”

i try to do everything all at once or all at once and way too fast. in every aspect of my life this is true.  it's like i see a target and a timeline and i'm sprinting to get to that destination within a nano-second. of course this is not possible and i give up. no i don't try an alternative.


no i don't give myself more time. 
no i don't take a break and try again. 
and no i don't try to figure out what went wrong.


i flat out give up. but this time - i hope things will be different. i hope i can conquer this life-long battle with the scale. something clicked today in my head and i realize no i don't have to do everything in one day or one month. this is about the rest of my life, not a short term goal for a one day reward.  yes of course optimally i want to look good before my 28th birthday and i don't want to start my 28th birthday feeling fat. but i need to do this in strides - it has to be a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix. 


what this means is - that if tomorrow i worked out for just 5 minutes, that's okay. if i drank just one cup of water - that's okay too. as long as I DON`T GIVE UP.  the point is i'm starting slow and i'm building the foundation of my life.  the rest of my life counts too - not just one day or the day i reach my goal.


so i was thinking alot about desserts and snacks and all the yummy treats i so desire and devour and i'm thinking i am going to make sundays my baking days. i am gonna bake a batch of cookies or a small loaf of cake and portion it to last me and family the whole week. this way i don't devour 6 wafer cookies in one sitting or all the other damaging treats i've ingested today. 


i also calculated how much money it would cost me to buy subway for 30 days a month - and it turns out $3.66 (veggie flatbread) x 30days = 109.80 - i don't eat lunch out 30 days a month but if i needed to find an alternative on the days i forgot lunch i know i'm not breaking the bank.  and i'm thinking maybe i should alternate - i can make lunch twice a week and three times a week i can get subway and it still would be affordable and healthy calories wise.  there is also another dimension to this - i often feel super guilty letting ppl eat alone for lunch so i feel that i must keep ppl company and that means the 15mins i would take to go out and grab a subway i stay at work and purchase unhealthy, greasy food from the work eatery and chow it down mindlessly.  i have to put myself first. i don't always have to look out for others in cases like this and people are always more capable than what we give them credit for. and if they dislike me for this - then i have to brave this, b/c life goes on.


the other thing i want to do is also learn more about nutrition and exercise - for example what are complex carbs vs. simple carbs and what's the difference between strength training and cardio - so i thought i'll devote one week to a subject each week so that i'm enlightening myself as i go along.


i also want to take up a sport: i have my sights set on tennis and i want to do a 10k next year or a half marathon in 2012- i participated in a 5k this year and it was absolutely exhilarating and i'm hooked!


to do list: 
1. start with small habits: aim for 15 minutes of physical activity tomorrow (purchase a skipping rope)
2. pick a simple easy to do recipie for Sunday ( no more than 5 ingridients)
3. stock up on green tea and purchase a metal water bottle
4. buy subway for thursday (find the healthiest combination of veggie sub option)
5. pick a subject on exercise or nutrition to study this week - i think i am gonna do carbs - just cuz i'm obsessed with them from an eating perspective.
6. read coolrunning.com feature on from couch to 5k


i know i might stumble along the way - but i hope i get up and keep going still. 


to the stars,


uma