her direction.

in the right direction.

i am back at 150 - it took me over 2 year to get to the 130's. i am not exactly sure how that happened - well i do. i stopped exercising, counting calories, and even writing here. there is a part of me that just wants to give up. that part of me argues that this is a useless feat, i will never succeed nor will any of it make a difference. there is another part of me that just doesn't want to give up: that part of me argues that i deserve this.  i have to keep trying even if i fail.

i do deserve this and i am committed to make this work.  today i am a bit lost and just don't know how or where to start.


to the stars,

uma

she binged.

she let it go. 

after class i went to spring rolls with bff and binged and good sushi, miso soup and mango salad - it was all you can eat. so you can imagine the amount of food. then i came home had a french vanilla, 1 mini srilankan patty, rotti with potato and green tea, and a merci chocolate bar and a mini yogurt and half a bagel with cream cheese and tomato.  i binged.  i wasn't all that hungry. i was just restless and mostly directionless.  so i ate.  i always resort to food at moments like these.  i don't know what makes food so enticing to me - but it's my most comfortable thing to do when i have nothing to do. 

i have to stop. 

but first i will forgive myself.  

i have to commit to something other than eating.  if i feel directionless i should just take any old direction.  because slowly numbing myself will not help. and drowning myself in food will not be better than any purposeful direction.  i will figure things out.  but i will not resort to food.  

to the stars, 

uma

taste.

collect moments not things.

i am used to inhaling my food.  sometimes i get up from the table with an empty plate not really sure if i had actually eaten the food.  it almost seemed more plausible that someone had swiped it off my plate.  that's how mindlessly i ate.  

today i learned something new.  we often eat fast to chase taste.  i wish i knew how to describe this better, but i really really made much sense to me.  the first bite is the most appetizingly pleasing, given you were hungry to begin with.  as you keep eating the taste factor starts to diminish and in that same capacity some of us (me) start to race and try to extend the taste by eating things faster.  and in turn, i often eat past fullness and satisfaction. 

i learned this today with Thingenius with Josie Spinardi.  Unbelievably simple, but when put into practice it just makes so much sense.  I was eating amazing pizza from Boston Pizza - I was, unlike me, slowly enjoying each slice and by the second slice I sensed that I wasn't enjoying the pizza as that first bite so I just stopped eating.  I didn't try to inhale as much food in less than 5 seconds and I didn't try to over stuff myself either -which were the two likely scenarios.  I just stopped and it felt so good.  I hope I am walking down the right path.  


to the stars, 

uma

scared.

"every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again"

i just entered the 140s. i should be super excited and happy, but my bratty brain is like "how much longer till the next 2 lbs: 202,309,323 more months to go?" sarcastic, much?


i know progress has been moving at snail's pace, like super slow snail pace. i want to just push the fat off of a cliff already, but i just have to bite my tongue and be patient.  it really was a miracle that i am in the 140s as my food habits weren't perfect the last week.  i will try my best to improve them this week. and i think that's basically it, every week i will get better.  i just have to remind myself this.  


i still haven't made the gym a habit so that is something that i have to work on as well.  and i still need to learn how to cook. okay here are some short-term goals to focus on: 


1. daily journalling
2. preparing lunch for work 
3. eating under 1200 calories a day
4. exercising 5 times a week at the gym, 2 days at home
5. getting more knowledgeable about food


i hope i keep seeing a consistent loss every week, till my birthday and till i reach my UGW of 120 lbs.  i have much hope and fear.  hopefully hope will prevail. 




to the stars, 


uma 

happy food.

You must act as if it is impossible to fail.

~Ashanti Proverb~

i am going to go wanted to go grocery shopping today.  


i notice that when i leave my food choices to fate it ends up being really unhealthy by default.  so i've been doing alot of research on snacking and meals, and i am gonna stick to a "maximum 2 snacks a day, only if i need it" basis, and the traditional 3 meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner. 


i am going to do a one meal only type  fasting on Fridays. i was reading some articles on the occasional fasting, it is also something that is practiced religiously in my culture.  i remember last year i was doing this prayer, where i had to fast on consecutive tuesdays for however many weeks and i felt really good during that time.  


i really want to eliminate junk food, but i realize i am emotionally attached to this food because all through life i have celebrated the junk.  Think Birthday cakes, Dessert, Halloween treats, etc.  Every special occasion in most our lives involves splurging on junk.  What this is teaching me is that i have to build a lasting relationship with healthy food, in a similar celebratory manner.  i don't know exactly how i am going to do that, but I have to find a way.  i am good at drinking my green tea, i revere the time spent sipping on it - it gives me much peace and happiness.  i just have to incorporate other healthy foods in a similar way. 


everyone around me comments on how much my face has gotten slimmer.  i can almost see my left cheek dimple again.  i have a weigh in looming over me tomorrow - i hope i do good...




to the stars, 


uma

meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

loose pants.

"Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about"

i went shopping for pants today. my work pants were literally sliding off of me every other second and i literally had to hold it up with my hands while walking. it was ridiculous, but that's how lose my pants have gotten. ^_^ yay!!! 

it gets better. i went this store that have fairly inexpensive pants, and since i am in transition mode i didn't want to break the bank on pants that i may have to replace (hopefully, fingers crossed) in another three months. right? well usually i get a M-L or L pants as most of their dress pants are pretty tight fitting. Medium hardly goes past my hips....but today they did!! i was super happy and impressed.  

i really feel that the un-obsession with the scale has helped me to focus less on numbers and more on my actions and habits, which is helping me move past the plateau. i think - i will measure Feb 1st, but until then i am going by what the clothes say.  my best friend saw me after like ten days and she noticed a big difference too, which just made me triple happy.  all in all it was a day with concrete results.

on other news, my big toe nail is in major pain, the nail on one side looks bruised.  i think i must have jammed it somewhere or wore my shoes too tight.  it didn't help that i ran with it today either, i just didn't want to lose the momentum. i hope my poor toe is okay :( the last thing i need is a set back.  

final note of the day - i am contemplating a 10k and a half marathon this year.  i am really really really intimidated by anything involving the word "marathon", so i think that's more reason to do it - don't you?  the 10k is in April & the 1/2 marathon is in October, which gives me ample time to train.  however, combined both courses will be close to $200 and i am really trying hard to get debt free among other pressing financial responsibilities.  so i am stumped on where to invest. decisions, decisions, descisions! 

to the stars, 

uma

to seek inspiration.

"If I could ask for one thing it wouldn't be happiness,wealth,or any form of success.  Every day I pray for inspiration.  Inspiration every day."

i am still unmotivated. there are things i need to make a regular habit/routine: 


- pre-planning meals
- saying no to junk/chocolate
- going to the gym daily - no excuses
- waking up early 
- recording my meals and all intake
- drinking more water
- eating more greens 
- eat more whole grain/whole wheat


i am better than i was in the last four years. but i can still be better. i think i should join some classes - i am thinking bootcamp, more bellydancing, swimming and tennis.  i have 56 days till my goal date, i need to bring this up a notch.  feel 1/10th of milimeter more inspired than i was before i started this blog. that reminds me, most important routine/habit: 

Keep Blogging Daily

to the stars, 


uma

excuses & other limitations

"what you do today can improve all your tomorrows."

there is always an excuse or another for not going to the gym. like this morning when i woke up at 730am to go to the gym but i never actually "got up"


with the increased mobility of technology, which includes my ipad, touchpad and iphone, i can easily stay in bed and entertain myself for hours with surfing and reading and playing games -- and by hours, i mean literally hours, no exaggerations.  its 1046am and i have managed to waste enough time that now i have the convenient excuse of "can't be late to work" to avoid the gym again.  


i am so bad with routine - i hate doing things the same way every day. my simple wisdom here used to be "the less of routine, the more of life" and i often fooled myself thinking that routine was the same as boring, dull and constrained living.  but with my fitness goal far behind and it's deadline looming not too far ahead, it's become blatantly obvious that i must make routine necessary.  


first thing first, i am going to get rid of all technology in my bedroom.  this way i am not tempted to stay in bed with my iPad roaming the furthest corners of webspace and facebook.  also i have to get into the mindset that not every day of routine will be grueling, horrible work.  my lazy manners detest such work, but the truth of the matter is that not every day will be same even with routine - some days i know i will see breakthroughs to keep me motivated, while other days will be spent working towards stretch goals with no overtly obvious results.  the bottom line is that keeping routine will never be done in vain, it will never be a futile effort.  


the common knowledge is that it takes 21 days to make something a habit and 6 months to make it part of your personality. 


Day 1. I will go to the gym today. 




to the stars, 


uma

new years resolutions.

"it takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to notice.  Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit."

the best feeling in life is that moment in time when you feel like you have a clean slate.  each new year i am invigorated with this feeling.  


this year, the sensation is not any different, but it is dampened from year after year of not reaching my goal weight. yet as always i am gonna do my best to launch this year with the most optimistic mindset possible. i am gonna take all the lessons of the past few years of failures and stalling and falling backwards to guide me throughout this new year.  


2012 is going to be the year of The Diet. diet is 70 percent of this game, so i need to zero in my focus this year.  i often cheat and cheating always comes at a high price - my health & weight.  so this year i want to eliminate junk food entirely from my diet.   


food is a distraction especially when i am plateauing as i have been for the past few months.  food is my comfort.  i often go to food when i feel down, but during the plateau period, it's even worse.  food becomes my "bestie".  i need to breakup with junk and find a replacement. i need to find comfort somewhere else.   i've been a vegetarian for a good 6 years now, so i figure if i can eliminate meat, i can eliminate junk! 


also i need to go hardcore with working out as well. i love feeling strong.  i enjoy going to the gym, but i need to ensure that i am consistent.  i am so scared that i am gonna turn 28 and be at the very same spot that i am at right now. it scares me like nothing else.  i need to commit to this demon and fight it.  i hope this year i don't fail. 


i deserve this. i will work hard for this. i will attain my goal. i will be 120 by the time i turn 28.  




to the stars, 


uma          

falling off the wagon.

"I've missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I've lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." 

~ Michael Jordan

i didn't go to the gym for three days in a row.  i read somewhere today that i should never let two consecutive days pass without going to the gym. i feel that i failed, and i feel that i haven't.  


day one of missing gym: i hadn't seen my boyfriend in a couple of days and he finally had some time to meet up so i had to sacrifice gym for relationship time. 


day 2 was missed because of an excessive shopping binge. i often feel that i don't have enough clothes, even though realistically i have enough clothes for an entire nations army.  yes, no exaggeration. sometimes i just like the feeling of brand new clothes. plus i really live by retail therapy. it just gives me this high. but i have to stop, because from a wallet point of view it's more damage than healing.  anyways four hours and 2 malls and 2 bills later i was too tired to go to the gym. 


day 3 - date night. fridays is date night, so i have to sacrifice gym time for relationship time. 


and now i am on day 4.  i am determined to go to the gym today even though i am in such sour mood. i always feel like i am in a crap mood when i haven't exercised.  this just gives me more reason to go to the gym.  i hope i will make the effort to go.  


i tried to convince my bf to come to the gym with me, but he refuses. so i have to work around going to the gym on the days that i see him, maybe i can do strength training at home on days that i see him.  sometimes it's hard to balance your life with someone, especially during weight loss mode.  i often get frustrated, but i guess i need to learn to make things work.


and i have to avoid the mall, unless i have an actual need.  food and shopping have always been my go to when i am feeling down.  maybe i need to journal my feelings rather than replace them with treats & calories and bling & the latest trends.  


gosh why can't this take less effort?


all i know is that i am NOT giving up. 




to the stars, 


uma

obsessed.

"it's never too late to change your life."

i admit i am super obsessed with weight loss. i can't help it. i feel trapped in the skin i stretched.  i've been waiting to come down on the scale into the 140's but it's been over a year and i am still stuck stubbornly in the 150s.  i need some kind of divine intervention bc it's obvious that i am unable to do it myself. 


i went to the gym four days in a row this week and every morning i step onto the scale with high anticipation that this will be the day that i break into the 140s, but i step off trying not to crush my self esteem after i see the same stubborn numbers.  i try really hard to be positive and to keep myself believing that i can overcome this, but i feel at a loss. 


i know my eating isn't perfect - but i have been under 1000 calories/day, actually closer to the 800 mark and it makes me really angry that nothing is affected. 


i just want to see the 140s so badly i don't want to end this year in the 150s. i would be super mad and discouraged if i don't get to that point by December 31st.  it's especially disheartening b/c i see all these wellness blogs and fitness sites confirm that it is possible to lose 2 pounds per week with the right exercise & diet - but so far i have been losing 2 pounds every four months or so. i don't understand what i am doing wrong.  it's so frustrating. 

all i know is that i don't want to give up - i don't want to stay at this point, i have to keep going because the alternative is not an option i am giving myself.  i know what giving up feels like, and it's not pretty - literally and figuratively.  so i will keep moving along, but i hope i can find some divine intervention to help me. i need it most right now. 

to the stars, 

uma

lucky streak.

"work for it."

i went to the gym four days in a row. i feel both exhilerated and scared shitless.


why? because usually when i am this motivated and consistent, i stop or fail. 


i hope things are different this time. i hope i can quit this streak of giving up and failure. i hope i can keep this momentum up.  


i desperately want this to be a lifestyle change that beats all odds & is persistent throughout the rest of my life.


amen. 




to the stars, 


uma

if you're moving, you're losing.

"a goal without a plan is just a wish."

i am not moving so what does that make me? gaining?!?!


i havent gone to the gym in a little over a week, but finding the motivation to go has been super hard since the cold weather (aka hell) broke out. 


all i wanna do is hibernate at home with a cup of hot Tea.  lucky bears! -___-


my cousin suggested that i stick a picture of food in front of the treadmill and "leg it hard!" LOL


i enjoy group classes, in the summer i was enrolled in hot yoga, belly dancing, & swimming.  i felt really motivated to go the classes and felt physically fit. i was moving & losing, but since stopping in September i have been at a standstill both literally and on the scale.


so maybe that's what i need to do, join a new set of classes to motivate me and keep me moving. and maybe at the same time lose some. 




to the stars,


uma

lessons from my mother.

"telling a child she is “good” or “bad” based off of the food she eats is confusing for her. Young children want to please. If she gets praise from an adult for what or how much she eats that is another reason to ignore her internal cues and rely on external cues and praise to guide their eating. Not to mention the emotions (negative and positive) that can begin to form around food. Children are “good” because they treat their friends and family with love and kindness, not because they can finish their sandwich."   {source}

my mom had many rules to adhere to growing up, but 3 have stuck to me like glue:


1. always finish your plate(s)
2. dont let food go to waste
3. dont let yourself go hungry (aka. eat before you get hungry)


These were the easiest of all rules to embrace as a kid, easier than do your homework, don't watch TV, don't draw on the walls, etc.  


following these simple rules ensured that i was praised and noted by my parents. and it really worked well for my parents - they never had to deal with dinner time tantrums, like with my sister to eat her food.  i was the example to follow for all my cousins.  and none of my mom's hard grueling work over the kitchen went to waste.  their hard earned monies never went to a waste. and i never looked malnourished, so that meant they had fed me well, which translated into they are great parents.  and the bonus: i was a "good girl". 


and flash forward a few years and 100s of pounds and diets later, these are the rules that I am having the hardest time letting go of.  i am getting better, but then it's so easy to slip back to what has been ingrained in me for the last 25 years.  i always have a hard time not finishing the plate, throwing food, and i always seem to be in a race with hunger -- with no need to say that i never lose.   


i thought about this yesterday when i saw the marble chocolate cake in the fridge around dinner time - it was yummy and extra choclatey and i realized that if i didnt eat it, it would go to waste.


what!?!? 


or more importantly, so what?


i needed to let it go to waste because the last thing that i needed was cake.  considering i had an everything bagel with crazy amounts of cream cheese for breakfast and a Big Mac (without Meat) for lunch WITH fries on the side.


Did i really need a slice of cake? apparently I DID - two big slices of them.  


and to make matters worse i had the same cake for breakfast this morning. there was a minor victory however: this time i had one slice & i left one slice, the very last piece. i left that last piece in the fridge even though every cell in my body wanted to devour it.  maybe it will be wasted or consumed by another family member, but not me. it looks like i am a "good girl" after all. 




to the stars, 


uma