scared.

"every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again"

i just entered the 140s. i should be super excited and happy, but my bratty brain is like "how much longer till the next 2 lbs: 202,309,323 more months to go?" sarcastic, much?


i know progress has been moving at snail's pace, like super slow snail pace. i want to just push the fat off of a cliff already, but i just have to bite my tongue and be patient.  it really was a miracle that i am in the 140s as my food habits weren't perfect the last week.  i will try my best to improve them this week. and i think that's basically it, every week i will get better.  i just have to remind myself this.  


i still haven't made the gym a habit so that is something that i have to work on as well.  and i still need to learn how to cook. okay here are some short-term goals to focus on: 


1. daily journalling
2. preparing lunch for work 
3. eating under 1200 calories a day
4. exercising 5 times a week at the gym, 2 days at home
5. getting more knowledgeable about food


i hope i keep seeing a consistent loss every week, till my birthday and till i reach my UGW of 120 lbs.  i have much hope and fear.  hopefully hope will prevail. 




to the stars, 


uma 

what is junk?

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

that picture was from a huge binge spree i had in September 2011, the brown bag has freshly baked jumbo chocolate croissants.  to be fair my sister did indulge in this stack as well, as did my parents. so no i didn't sit there all of it by myself.  but it was my idea and i did eat a lot of it, most of it >_<  


i had another binge episode on Sunday - not impressed. sometimes we all need a reminder of what junk food is, okay fine i need a reminder! so here is my wee little reminder, actually i just remembered something i created with a friend a few years back...found it!: 

Eliminate	Enhance
white bread	whole grain/wheat
cold food (ie. ice-cream)	warm/hot food
fried food (ie. fries)	grilled/baked food
chocolate	fruits
desserts/pastries	vegetables
cookies	dried fruit/raisins/dates
chips	nuts/legumes
pop	water
coffee?	green tea
cream	skim milk
unhealthy fats/oils	healthy oils
sugary fruit juices	freshly squeezed fruits

copying this on here made me realize how much i am depriving myself of foods that i genuinely love and adore.  having been down this weight loss journey before, i know that eventually all the bad food really will make me feel "bad". but right now all i am craving is a good piece of Bounty.  I know that no food is "bad", it's all about moderation.  


unfortunately, moderation didn't get me to my current position, so i am going to have to sacrifice for awhile until i get back on track.  yet at the same time, i am not going to go all bonkers if i slip here and there.  i just have to plan my indulgence.




to the stars, 




uma   

excuses & other limitations

"what you do today can improve all your tomorrows."

there is always an excuse or another for not going to the gym. like this morning when i woke up at 730am to go to the gym but i never actually "got up"


with the increased mobility of technology, which includes my ipad, touchpad and iphone, i can easily stay in bed and entertain myself for hours with surfing and reading and playing games -- and by hours, i mean literally hours, no exaggerations.  its 1046am and i have managed to waste enough time that now i have the convenient excuse of "can't be late to work" to avoid the gym again.  


i am so bad with routine - i hate doing things the same way every day. my simple wisdom here used to be "the less of routine, the more of life" and i often fooled myself thinking that routine was the same as boring, dull and constrained living.  but with my fitness goal far behind and it's deadline looming not too far ahead, it's become blatantly obvious that i must make routine necessary.  


first thing first, i am going to get rid of all technology in my bedroom.  this way i am not tempted to stay in bed with my iPad roaming the furthest corners of webspace and facebook.  also i have to get into the mindset that not every day of routine will be grueling, horrible work.  my lazy manners detest such work, but the truth of the matter is that not every day will be same even with routine - some days i know i will see breakthroughs to keep me motivated, while other days will be spent working towards stretch goals with no overtly obvious results.  the bottom line is that keeping routine will never be done in vain, it will never be a futile effort.  


the common knowledge is that it takes 21 days to make something a habit and 6 months to make it part of your personality. 


Day 1. I will go to the gym today. 




to the stars, 


uma

new years resolutions.

"it takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to notice.  Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit."

the best feeling in life is that moment in time when you feel like you have a clean slate.  each new year i am invigorated with this feeling.  


this year, the sensation is not any different, but it is dampened from year after year of not reaching my goal weight. yet as always i am gonna do my best to launch this year with the most optimistic mindset possible. i am gonna take all the lessons of the past few years of failures and stalling and falling backwards to guide me throughout this new year.  


2012 is going to be the year of The Diet. diet is 70 percent of this game, so i need to zero in my focus this year.  i often cheat and cheating always comes at a high price - my health & weight.  so this year i want to eliminate junk food entirely from my diet.   


food is a distraction especially when i am plateauing as i have been for the past few months.  food is my comfort.  i often go to food when i feel down, but during the plateau period, it's even worse.  food becomes my "bestie".  i need to breakup with junk and find a replacement. i need to find comfort somewhere else.   i've been a vegetarian for a good 6 years now, so i figure if i can eliminate meat, i can eliminate junk! 


also i need to go hardcore with working out as well. i love feeling strong.  i enjoy going to the gym, but i need to ensure that i am consistent.  i am so scared that i am gonna turn 28 and be at the very same spot that i am at right now. it scares me like nothing else.  i need to commit to this demon and fight it.  i hope this year i don't fail. 


i deserve this. i will work hard for this. i will attain my goal. i will be 120 by the time i turn 28.  




to the stars, 


uma