her direction.

in the right direction.

i am back at 150 - it took me over 2 year to get to the 130's. i am not exactly sure how that happened - well i do. i stopped exercising, counting calories, and even writing here. there is a part of me that just wants to give up. that part of me argues that this is a useless feat, i will never succeed nor will any of it make a difference. there is another part of me that just doesn't want to give up: that part of me argues that i deserve this.  i have to keep trying even if i fail.

i do deserve this and i am committed to make this work.  today i am a bit lost and just don't know how or where to start.


to the stars,

uma

the scale

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

i like the scale. well until it stopped working. okay fine, it works - just not the way i want it to though.  ideally, i would like to see a 30 lb drop in one week and be done with it forever. but lately all i get is up 2 lbs and down 2 lbs, up .4 lbs and down .1 lb. it's a tease. annoying. distressing. and boring.  


i like extremes. i don't like the middle way. i need things to move super fast or i get impatient, and then i lose interest. and so forth and so on till the goal at hand becomes unimportant.  i weigh myself everyday to no avail. if you've seen my progress report you'll see the super slow progress i've had in the last past 6 months.  it's super annoying. 


but to be quite fair i use & abuse the scale everyday, expecting some kind of miracle drop. i eat at a sushi buffet and then the next day i weigh myself expecting my body to have mysteriously not digested any calories. and then the next day i eat way below my BMR for one day and i weigh myself  expecting to see half my weight shed off the next day. at some innate level i know that this is unrealistic. yet i do this every day. it's become so habitual that it's like second nature. if only going to the gym and eating right had become such a natural extension of my personality. sigh. 


so it is what it is and i've eliminated "the scale". i promised myself that i am only going to weigh myself at each month end. which means that by the end of january which is practically in 10 days i will weigh myself, but till then i am gonna focus more on exercising and healthy eating. i am not going to wait for miracles to happen and i am certainly not going to expect for the laws of nature to bend in order to accelerate my weight loss without the due diligence.  so yes that's that. no more scale. 


to the stars, 


uma

a procrastinator's dilemma

"Cause you're all talk, and no action
You're all talk, but no action"

i didn't go to the gym yesterday. instead i binged. i was good at work - until we had cheesecake for a co-worker's bday - i should have said no, instead i had a small piece.  


when i got home at 8 i ate some more.   i already had dinner at work so my plan was to be food free for the remainder of the evening, but i had a severe case of the munchies.  i wanted to go to the gym but i didn't, not in the morning and not in the evening and not this morning as i had pleadingly promised myself last night. 


how will i lose 30 pounds in less than 3 months if i keep going on like this? what am i saying - how is it even possible to lose 30 pounds in less than 3 months...? 


i do this with every aspect of my life - i wait to do anything substantial until the very last minute, until it becomes blatantly impossible to do anything.  maybe this is my unconscious self-trickery to ensure that i don't do anything at all. 


According to losertown.org i can be 129.8 lbs by Mar 13 -- IF i stick to a 700 calories/day diet with 3-5 days of moderate activity.  i have to learn to be disciplined. this is hard. ho-hum.




to the stars, 


uma

excuses & other limitations

"what you do today can improve all your tomorrows."

there is always an excuse or another for not going to the gym. like this morning when i woke up at 730am to go to the gym but i never actually "got up"


with the increased mobility of technology, which includes my ipad, touchpad and iphone, i can easily stay in bed and entertain myself for hours with surfing and reading and playing games -- and by hours, i mean literally hours, no exaggerations.  its 1046am and i have managed to waste enough time that now i have the convenient excuse of "can't be late to work" to avoid the gym again.  


i am so bad with routine - i hate doing things the same way every day. my simple wisdom here used to be "the less of routine, the more of life" and i often fooled myself thinking that routine was the same as boring, dull and constrained living.  but with my fitness goal far behind and it's deadline looming not too far ahead, it's become blatantly obvious that i must make routine necessary.  


first thing first, i am going to get rid of all technology in my bedroom.  this way i am not tempted to stay in bed with my iPad roaming the furthest corners of webspace and facebook.  also i have to get into the mindset that not every day of routine will be grueling, horrible work.  my lazy manners detest such work, but the truth of the matter is that not every day will be same even with routine - some days i know i will see breakthroughs to keep me motivated, while other days will be spent working towards stretch goals with no overtly obvious results.  the bottom line is that keeping routine will never be done in vain, it will never be a futile effort.  


the common knowledge is that it takes 21 days to make something a habit and 6 months to make it part of your personality. 


Day 1. I will go to the gym today. 




to the stars, 


uma

new years resolutions.

"it takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice, and 12 weeks for the rest of the world to notice.  Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit."

the best feeling in life is that moment in time when you feel like you have a clean slate.  each new year i am invigorated with this feeling.  


this year, the sensation is not any different, but it is dampened from year after year of not reaching my goal weight. yet as always i am gonna do my best to launch this year with the most optimistic mindset possible. i am gonna take all the lessons of the past few years of failures and stalling and falling backwards to guide me throughout this new year.  


2012 is going to be the year of The Diet. diet is 70 percent of this game, so i need to zero in my focus this year.  i often cheat and cheating always comes at a high price - my health & weight.  so this year i want to eliminate junk food entirely from my diet.   


food is a distraction especially when i am plateauing as i have been for the past few months.  food is my comfort.  i often go to food when i feel down, but during the plateau period, it's even worse.  food becomes my "bestie".  i need to breakup with junk and find a replacement. i need to find comfort somewhere else.   i've been a vegetarian for a good 6 years now, so i figure if i can eliminate meat, i can eliminate junk! 


also i need to go hardcore with working out as well. i love feeling strong.  i enjoy going to the gym, but i need to ensure that i am consistent.  i am so scared that i am gonna turn 28 and be at the very same spot that i am at right now. it scares me like nothing else.  i need to commit to this demon and fight it.  i hope this year i don't fail. 


i deserve this. i will work hard for this. i will attain my goal. i will be 120 by the time i turn 28.  




to the stars, 


uma          

Patience is a Virtue

"it does not matter how slow you go -- so long as you do not stop"

~ confucius

consistent i am not.  i start something with such intense purposefulness but i often trail off my path with not a second thought.  i went to the gym the night before. didn't go yesterday. and have all the intentions in the world to go today. i hope i do.  


i haven't been consistent or committed to posting my meals too.  but i have eaten for sure! more than i should have. LOL.  it just occurred to me that i didn't forget to eat.  i am almost always consistent in never skipping meals. but when it comes to this fitness goal that i have mulling around with for the past few months i am not committed.  if only i gave the posting, and exercising and meal planning as much importance as i am in eating i would have been at 120 lbs by now. tres sad.   


if i posted my meals as diligent as my three meals a day habit i would have been there by now.  i don't know what stops me from making fitness and health a priority. i know patience is a huge factor. if i don't see results in a nanosecond i get exasperated. and weight loss is very much a waiting game.  you have to keep eating right: every meal, every snack, every day - day in and out... forever. 


you have to exercise with precision, frequently at high intensities, endure pain and challenge yourself just a little further each day.  and you have to keep doing the right things blindly - just keep doing them and eventually you will start seeing results.  and the results don't come in a consistently either.  you might see a 2 pound win this week maybe nothing next week so you change up your routine a little and then you might see another few pounds drop off and then maybe nothing for two weeks.  but the point is regardless of what the scale says, you have to keep going. and i, utterly, suck at this process as i want to see results on a daily basis. 


so in my feat with consistency i realize my struggle is also with patience, commitment, and focus.  i hope i gain these skills sooner than later and that by march 2012 i am where i always wanted to be. and off to the gym!  


to the stars, 


uma

lucky streak.

"work for it."

i went to the gym four days in a row. i feel both exhilerated and scared shitless.


why? because usually when i am this motivated and consistent, i stop or fail. 


i hope things are different this time. i hope i can quit this streak of giving up and failure. i hope i can keep this momentum up.  


i desperately want this to be a lifestyle change that beats all odds & is persistent throughout the rest of my life.


amen. 




to the stars, 


uma

lessons from my mother.

"telling a child she is “good” or “bad” based off of the food she eats is confusing for her. Young children want to please. If she gets praise from an adult for what or how much she eats that is another reason to ignore her internal cues and rely on external cues and praise to guide their eating. Not to mention the emotions (negative and positive) that can begin to form around food. Children are “good” because they treat their friends and family with love and kindness, not because they can finish their sandwich."   {source}

my mom had many rules to adhere to growing up, but 3 have stuck to me like glue:


1. always finish your plate(s)
2. dont let food go to waste
3. dont let yourself go hungry (aka. eat before you get hungry)


These were the easiest of all rules to embrace as a kid, easier than do your homework, don't watch TV, don't draw on the walls, etc.  


following these simple rules ensured that i was praised and noted by my parents. and it really worked well for my parents - they never had to deal with dinner time tantrums, like with my sister to eat her food.  i was the example to follow for all my cousins.  and none of my mom's hard grueling work over the kitchen went to waste.  their hard earned monies never went to a waste. and i never looked malnourished, so that meant they had fed me well, which translated into they are great parents.  and the bonus: i was a "good girl". 


and flash forward a few years and 100s of pounds and diets later, these are the rules that I am having the hardest time letting go of.  i am getting better, but then it's so easy to slip back to what has been ingrained in me for the last 25 years.  i always have a hard time not finishing the plate, throwing food, and i always seem to be in a race with hunger -- with no need to say that i never lose.   


i thought about this yesterday when i saw the marble chocolate cake in the fridge around dinner time - it was yummy and extra choclatey and i realized that if i didnt eat it, it would go to waste.


what!?!? 


or more importantly, so what?


i needed to let it go to waste because the last thing that i needed was cake.  considering i had an everything bagel with crazy amounts of cream cheese for breakfast and a Big Mac (without Meat) for lunch WITH fries on the side.


Did i really need a slice of cake? apparently I DID - two big slices of them.  


and to make matters worse i had the same cake for breakfast this morning. there was a minor victory however: this time i had one slice & i left one slice, the very last piece. i left that last piece in the fridge even though every cell in my body wanted to devour it.  maybe it will be wasted or consumed by another family member, but not me. it looks like i am a "good girl" after all. 




to the stars, 


uma

determined.

"dreams don`t work unless you do."

today was super hard. this whole month has been super hard. hard physically, mentally, emotionally...i keep saying that i want to move past this plateau and keep moving south on the weight loss chart. but my weight hasn't budged since the last progress point and i am beyond frustrated.


i feel demotivated and i have been binge eating to fill that void emptiness that comes with no progress. i have to keep reminding myself that binge eating, playing games on my phone and surfing the net are adding nothing worth while to my life. instead i have to put more effort into things that make a difference and add value to my life: i.e. my career, entrepreneurship and even the creative arts. instead i keep indulging in life leeching, mind numbing, time wasting activities.


i hope Monday now will be a new start.




to the stars,


uma