meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

loose pants.

"Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about"

i went shopping for pants today. my work pants were literally sliding off of me every other second and i literally had to hold it up with my hands while walking. it was ridiculous, but that's how lose my pants have gotten. ^_^ yay!!! 

it gets better. i went this store that have fairly inexpensive pants, and since i am in transition mode i didn't want to break the bank on pants that i may have to replace (hopefully, fingers crossed) in another three months. right? well usually i get a M-L or L pants as most of their dress pants are pretty tight fitting. Medium hardly goes past my hips....but today they did!! i was super happy and impressed.  

i really feel that the un-obsession with the scale has helped me to focus less on numbers and more on my actions and habits, which is helping me move past the plateau. i think - i will measure Feb 1st, but until then i am going by what the clothes say.  my best friend saw me after like ten days and she noticed a big difference too, which just made me triple happy.  all in all it was a day with concrete results.

on other news, my big toe nail is in major pain, the nail on one side looks bruised.  i think i must have jammed it somewhere or wore my shoes too tight.  it didn't help that i ran with it today either, i just didn't want to lose the momentum. i hope my poor toe is okay :( the last thing i need is a set back.  

final note of the day - i am contemplating a 10k and a half marathon this year.  i am really really really intimidated by anything involving the word "marathon", so i think that's more reason to do it - don't you?  the 10k is in April & the 1/2 marathon is in October, which gives me ample time to train.  however, combined both courses will be close to $200 and i am really trying hard to get debt free among other pressing financial responsibilities.  so i am stumped on where to invest. decisions, decisions, descisions! 

to the stars, 

uma

gone with the wind

"if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough"

if there is one thing that this weight loss journey has taught me, it's that i can't live life passively.  i have let life pass me by.  i have hardly ever been a "by the reins" type of girl, i usually go where the wind takes me.  i don't fuss much & it takes a lot to faze me.  don't get me wrong, i've always had dreams and desires but i just never really went out of my way to seek these out.  if i want to make this weight loss a reality i can't keep on living in such a way where i take what i get.  i need to set out a plan and get what i want.  


i've gotten so much better at being more goal-oriented in the last few years, but there is still a long way to go. it both excites and saddens me.  i feel like i lost a lot of valuable time, but i can't get myself into knot regretting - there: 30 seconds alotted for self pity. and.... done! time to get back up, dust myself and keep moving forward.  


i really need to work on meal planning, even if i stay within my calories - i still feel that i am not getting enough greens.  this will take conscious pre-planning on my part.  i was supposed to go the gym today as per my plan, but then i psyched myself out by reading an article claiming that runners need off days too and that they are subject to tearing this and that by continuous daily exercising.  i worked out for two days in a row and i can't believe i read an article and decided that i needed a day off! not impressed -_-


i am also going to be working with 4 hrs of sleep today, that was another convenient excuse for me to skip the gym.  i had a really scary and disturbing dream that woke me up at 4am, after dozing off at 1.  in my dream my face broke out in white blisters, something about sami being mad at me - like in ambal varutham.  it was quite disturbing, my friend said that i need to be more committed spiritually - oddly enough i have been slacking off.  i used to pray almost everyday, but the last couple of years i have somehow detached myself spiritually.  


i also need to take more control over my sleep, meaning i need to get in eight hours of sleep for a functional day. all in all more action, less reaction.   


to the stars, 


uma

a procrastinator's dilemma

"Cause you're all talk, and no action
You're all talk, but no action"

i didn't go to the gym yesterday. instead i binged. i was good at work - until we had cheesecake for a co-worker's bday - i should have said no, instead i had a small piece.  


when i got home at 8 i ate some more.   i already had dinner at work so my plan was to be food free for the remainder of the evening, but i had a severe case of the munchies.  i wanted to go to the gym but i didn't, not in the morning and not in the evening and not this morning as i had pleadingly promised myself last night. 


how will i lose 30 pounds in less than 3 months if i keep going on like this? what am i saying - how is it even possible to lose 30 pounds in less than 3 months...? 


i do this with every aspect of my life - i wait to do anything substantial until the very last minute, until it becomes blatantly impossible to do anything.  maybe this is my unconscious self-trickery to ensure that i don't do anything at all. 


According to losertown.org i can be 129.8 lbs by Mar 13 -- IF i stick to a 700 calories/day diet with 3-5 days of moderate activity.  i have to learn to be disciplined. this is hard. ho-hum.




to the stars, 


uma

excuses & other limitations

"what you do today can improve all your tomorrows."

there is always an excuse or another for not going to the gym. like this morning when i woke up at 730am to go to the gym but i never actually "got up"


with the increased mobility of technology, which includes my ipad, touchpad and iphone, i can easily stay in bed and entertain myself for hours with surfing and reading and playing games -- and by hours, i mean literally hours, no exaggerations.  its 1046am and i have managed to waste enough time that now i have the convenient excuse of "can't be late to work" to avoid the gym again.  


i am so bad with routine - i hate doing things the same way every day. my simple wisdom here used to be "the less of routine, the more of life" and i often fooled myself thinking that routine was the same as boring, dull and constrained living.  but with my fitness goal far behind and it's deadline looming not too far ahead, it's become blatantly obvious that i must make routine necessary.  


first thing first, i am going to get rid of all technology in my bedroom.  this way i am not tempted to stay in bed with my iPad roaming the furthest corners of webspace and facebook.  also i have to get into the mindset that not every day of routine will be grueling, horrible work.  my lazy manners detest such work, but the truth of the matter is that not every day will be same even with routine - some days i know i will see breakthroughs to keep me motivated, while other days will be spent working towards stretch goals with no overtly obvious results.  the bottom line is that keeping routine will never be done in vain, it will never be a futile effort.  


the common knowledge is that it takes 21 days to make something a habit and 6 months to make it part of your personality. 


Day 1. I will go to the gym today. 




to the stars, 


uma

falling off the wagon.

"I've missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I've lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." 

~ Michael Jordan

i didn't go to the gym for three days in a row.  i read somewhere today that i should never let two consecutive days pass without going to the gym. i feel that i failed, and i feel that i haven't.  


day one of missing gym: i hadn't seen my boyfriend in a couple of days and he finally had some time to meet up so i had to sacrifice gym for relationship time. 


day 2 was missed because of an excessive shopping binge. i often feel that i don't have enough clothes, even though realistically i have enough clothes for an entire nations army.  yes, no exaggeration. sometimes i just like the feeling of brand new clothes. plus i really live by retail therapy. it just gives me this high. but i have to stop, because from a wallet point of view it's more damage than healing.  anyways four hours and 2 malls and 2 bills later i was too tired to go to the gym. 


day 3 - date night. fridays is date night, so i have to sacrifice gym time for relationship time. 


and now i am on day 4.  i am determined to go to the gym today even though i am in such sour mood. i always feel like i am in a crap mood when i haven't exercised.  this just gives me more reason to go to the gym.  i hope i will make the effort to go.  


i tried to convince my bf to come to the gym with me, but he refuses. so i have to work around going to the gym on the days that i see him, maybe i can do strength training at home on days that i see him.  sometimes it's hard to balance your life with someone, especially during weight loss mode.  i often get frustrated, but i guess i need to learn to make things work.


and i have to avoid the mall, unless i have an actual need.  food and shopping have always been my go to when i am feeling down.  maybe i need to journal my feelings rather than replace them with treats & calories and bling & the latest trends.  


gosh why can't this take less effort?


all i know is that i am NOT giving up. 




to the stars, 


uma

obsessed.

"it's never too late to change your life."

i admit i am super obsessed with weight loss. i can't help it. i feel trapped in the skin i stretched.  i've been waiting to come down on the scale into the 140's but it's been over a year and i am still stuck stubbornly in the 150s.  i need some kind of divine intervention bc it's obvious that i am unable to do it myself. 


i went to the gym four days in a row this week and every morning i step onto the scale with high anticipation that this will be the day that i break into the 140s, but i step off trying not to crush my self esteem after i see the same stubborn numbers.  i try really hard to be positive and to keep myself believing that i can overcome this, but i feel at a loss. 


i know my eating isn't perfect - but i have been under 1000 calories/day, actually closer to the 800 mark and it makes me really angry that nothing is affected. 


i just want to see the 140s so badly i don't want to end this year in the 150s. i would be super mad and discouraged if i don't get to that point by December 31st.  it's especially disheartening b/c i see all these wellness blogs and fitness sites confirm that it is possible to lose 2 pounds per week with the right exercise & diet - but so far i have been losing 2 pounds every four months or so. i don't understand what i am doing wrong.  it's so frustrating. 

all i know is that i don't want to give up - i don't want to stay at this point, i have to keep going because the alternative is not an option i am giving myself.  i know what giving up feels like, and it's not pretty - literally and figuratively.  so i will keep moving along, but i hope i can find some divine intervention to help me. i need it most right now. 

to the stars, 

uma

lucky streak.

"work for it."

i went to the gym four days in a row. i feel both exhilerated and scared shitless.


why? because usually when i am this motivated and consistent, i stop or fail. 


i hope things are different this time. i hope i can quit this streak of giving up and failure. i hope i can keep this momentum up.  


i desperately want this to be a lifestyle change that beats all odds & is persistent throughout the rest of my life.


amen. 




to the stars, 


uma