scared.

"every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again"

i just entered the 140s. i should be super excited and happy, but my bratty brain is like "how much longer till the next 2 lbs: 202,309,323 more months to go?" sarcastic, much?


i know progress has been moving at snail's pace, like super slow snail pace. i want to just push the fat off of a cliff already, but i just have to bite my tongue and be patient.  it really was a miracle that i am in the 140s as my food habits weren't perfect the last week.  i will try my best to improve them this week. and i think that's basically it, every week i will get better.  i just have to remind myself this.  


i still haven't made the gym a habit so that is something that i have to work on as well.  and i still need to learn how to cook. okay here are some short-term goals to focus on: 


1. daily journalling
2. preparing lunch for work 
3. eating under 1200 calories a day
4. exercising 5 times a week at the gym, 2 days at home
5. getting more knowledgeable about food


i hope i keep seeing a consistent loss every week, till my birthday and till i reach my UGW of 120 lbs.  i have much hope and fear.  hopefully hope will prevail. 




to the stars, 


uma 

happy food.

You must act as if it is impossible to fail.

~Ashanti Proverb~

i am going to go wanted to go grocery shopping today.  


i notice that when i leave my food choices to fate it ends up being really unhealthy by default.  so i've been doing alot of research on snacking and meals, and i am gonna stick to a "maximum 2 snacks a day, only if i need it" basis, and the traditional 3 meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner. 


i am going to do a one meal only type  fasting on Fridays. i was reading some articles on the occasional fasting, it is also something that is practiced religiously in my culture.  i remember last year i was doing this prayer, where i had to fast on consecutive tuesdays for however many weeks and i felt really good during that time.  


i really want to eliminate junk food, but i realize i am emotionally attached to this food because all through life i have celebrated the junk.  Think Birthday cakes, Dessert, Halloween treats, etc.  Every special occasion in most our lives involves splurging on junk.  What this is teaching me is that i have to build a lasting relationship with healthy food, in a similar celebratory manner.  i don't know exactly how i am going to do that, but I have to find a way.  i am good at drinking my green tea, i revere the time spent sipping on it - it gives me much peace and happiness.  i just have to incorporate other healthy foods in a similar way. 


everyone around me comments on how much my face has gotten slimmer.  i can almost see my left cheek dimple again.  i have a weigh in looming over me tomorrow - i hope i do good...




to the stars, 


uma

meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

she is lazy.

"your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same."

what am i waiting for? i don't know. i didn't go to the gym today. i didn't go yesterday either, but i worked out at home for about 25 minutes. i hope i do that today too. personally, i would be happy to just stay in and laze around. 


the thought of going to the gym exhausts me. but when i do manage to go, i feel exhilerated. i feel great and proud of myself. why doesn't this feeling energize me? why won't it motivate me to do the right thing. i slept for a good 10 1/2 hours. i know! way too much sleep. i woke up at 8 am and had a blasted headache, my head was literally throbbing, so i went back to sleep. woke up feeling a bit groggy at 1pm, but refreshed. yet i was not happy with myself for being so sloppy with my day off. i haven't done anything productive today except for my laundry.  i am mentally beating myself up for the shortfall, but i am not productively doing anything to offset this lack of commitment.  


i have to do something. i just don't know what. 




to the stars, 


uma

the scale

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

i like the scale. well until it stopped working. okay fine, it works - just not the way i want it to though.  ideally, i would like to see a 30 lb drop in one week and be done with it forever. but lately all i get is up 2 lbs and down 2 lbs, up .4 lbs and down .1 lb. it's a tease. annoying. distressing. and boring.  


i like extremes. i don't like the middle way. i need things to move super fast or i get impatient, and then i lose interest. and so forth and so on till the goal at hand becomes unimportant.  i weigh myself everyday to no avail. if you've seen my progress report you'll see the super slow progress i've had in the last past 6 months.  it's super annoying. 


but to be quite fair i use & abuse the scale everyday, expecting some kind of miracle drop. i eat at a sushi buffet and then the next day i weigh myself expecting my body to have mysteriously not digested any calories. and then the next day i eat way below my BMR for one day and i weigh myself  expecting to see half my weight shed off the next day. at some innate level i know that this is unrealistic. yet i do this every day. it's become so habitual that it's like second nature. if only going to the gym and eating right had become such a natural extension of my personality. sigh. 


so it is what it is and i've eliminated "the scale". i promised myself that i am only going to weigh myself at each month end. which means that by the end of january which is practically in 10 days i will weigh myself, but till then i am gonna focus more on exercising and healthy eating. i am not going to wait for miracles to happen and i am certainly not going to expect for the laws of nature to bend in order to accelerate my weight loss without the due diligence.  so yes that's that. no more scale. 


to the stars, 


uma