the beauty potion.

"but it's spirit is in beauty"

have you ever thought beauty was the answer to all your prayers?  i have and still do.  i thought that if i was so beautiful no one would dare hurt me, judge me, discriminate against me, hate me, disgrace me, abuse me, disrespect me, ignore me nor leave me. i thought beauty gave you immunity from all of life's problems.  it would protect you from all the troubles and sadness.  i used to think, and still do, that people judge by the cover and not by the book.  that all that mattered to anyone was the exterior "quality".


if it looked like it was new and shiny, those were the toys that most interested us when we were younger.  well if she looks pretty then those are the ladies that were worth knowing now, for love and even friendship.  i see a lot of blogs and public people with hundreds of admirers. yes these are interesting people - but what if these ladies were ogres, leading the same interesting lives and carrying on just as they did as always, would anyone care?  would they be flocked and put on a pedestal in the very same manner?


i want to know because i still think this way. that a beauty potion is all that i needed to get out of life's troubles. that beauty would prevail racism, sexism, ageism, and discrimination against religion, origin, class status and weight. if she had beauty she would never be picked last.  but what of inner beauty you may ask? yes what of it? was there ever such a thing? how can you base beauty on something without form, because clearly what you are pertaining to is her soul, isn't it? or perhaps you are thinking of her thoughts, but how will you quantify her thoughts - because thoughts are of a dual nature.  thoughts hardly come in the manner of the humdrum variety.  my thoughts are getting hazy.  where there are good thoughts, there are also ugly thoughts.


so what would you base her inner worth on? how subordinate she is to you? how well she behaves? how homely she can get? how she cooks for you as you put up your feet from a long day at work? what will you base it on, because clearly you are always evaluating her.  the shes judge her as well. there is always judgement.  not good enough, or she thinks she's too good. so what will be the remedy? to attain love from all, not just one?   to escape life's hinders and diversions.  when will she be perfect? with or without such beauty.  

monogamy & first impressions

"take care of your body, 

it's the only place you have to LIVE"

our society is very keen on living life monogamously.  this works wonderfully in certain situations like relationships. it's tolerable in religions and political views. but what about food? should we lead a monogamous diet? i am rambling aren't i? i was just going through a flurry of unconnected thoughts and it occurred to me that we are quite obsessive as a society on favorites. you've heard the question before: what's your favorite color? what's your favorite holiday? what's your favorite food? and most of us can instantaneously come up with one or two items at the least.  this is the food that we are willing to have day in and out, for breakfast, lunch and dinner. for me it was anything potatoes.  


so back to monogamy, i feel like once we find these "favorite" foods and tastes we are, at least the vast majority of us are, hesitant to venture further.  we stick to what we like and that's that.  what if i was to challenge myself to be more adventurous? to try things i never would? how about a new food item once a week? i thinks i like this idea. but i am not done. that's right i have more venting. we not only are unadventurous, but we are also come with many presumptions about things. we label things almost immediately as good or bad. people, fashion, and yes, even food. 


i realize i am pretty new to the health and wellness front, but from all of the research that i have come across so far there is nothing edible, other than poison - which buy should never be "edibled", that is bad for us. absolutely nothing. salt, sugar, chocolate, carbs, oils - none of this and anything else is "bad". we often label food as good and bad, but these are falsified beliefs and myths.  everything, including fruits and even vegetables, should be done in moderation. 


let's move on to the 21st century and leave the prejudice & narrow mindedness to our past. onward and upwards. or downwards if you're looking at your scale. 




to the stars, 


uma


p.s. i weighed in today. lost .2 lbs. yay....not really, it's better than gaining but i wanted to hit a milestone. hopefully, greedy me will get her wish next Monday.  (fingers crossed!)

happy food.

You must act as if it is impossible to fail.

~Ashanti Proverb~

i am going to go wanted to go grocery shopping today.  


i notice that when i leave my food choices to fate it ends up being really unhealthy by default.  so i've been doing alot of research on snacking and meals, and i am gonna stick to a "maximum 2 snacks a day, only if i need it" basis, and the traditional 3 meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner. 


i am going to do a one meal only type  fasting on Fridays. i was reading some articles on the occasional fasting, it is also something that is practiced religiously in my culture.  i remember last year i was doing this prayer, where i had to fast on consecutive tuesdays for however many weeks and i felt really good during that time.  


i really want to eliminate junk food, but i realize i am emotionally attached to this food because all through life i have celebrated the junk.  Think Birthday cakes, Dessert, Halloween treats, etc.  Every special occasion in most our lives involves splurging on junk.  What this is teaching me is that i have to build a lasting relationship with healthy food, in a similar celebratory manner.  i don't know exactly how i am going to do that, but I have to find a way.  i am good at drinking my green tea, i revere the time spent sipping on it - it gives me much peace and happiness.  i just have to incorporate other healthy foods in a similar way. 


everyone around me comments on how much my face has gotten slimmer.  i can almost see my left cheek dimple again.  i have a weigh in looming over me tomorrow - i hope i do good...




to the stars, 


uma

control.

i started out the morning with the bestest of intentions. i only ate one slice of bread and i had one egg, everything was controlled in terms of portions. it was between waiting between breakfast and lunch a mere two hrs that my ravenous appetite arrived. i started with a second serving of rice for lunch and then munched on nerds, yummy potato chips seasoned with sea salt and pina colado ice cream and other amazing stuff. i dont understand why its so complicated.

meal plan.

"insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result" 

i didn't go to the gym. i ate a lot of food. i sat around. i got good sleep. i was thinking a lot about pre-planning my meals.  i logged my food for ten days straight.  some good, some bad.  so here is what i am gonna do next week, starting today:

- i can't leave my food choices to spontaneous decisions. 9 out of 10, spontaneous decisions end up being a set back for my weight loss journey

- as much as my end goal is important as hell, i need to focus on the now.  i can't be obsessed with thoughts of my future when my present needs tending to. how i live today dictates all my tomorrows

- i need to buy food.  not restaurant food, cafe food, fast food or diner food. i need to buy grocery food. and make food

- i need to learn to cook, i have no confidence in myself. buying groceries and throwing away food is like the biggest sin committed in my mother's eyes. so i have developed this aversion to buying food. i don't have the confidence to get groceries and believe that something good will come out of it

- i need to work on my emotional void, cuz lately i've been moving toward food for inspiration and emotional dependence

- i need to exercise smarter

i like how for the last ten days i have been consistent with my food journal. it makes me real happy. i hope i can keep this going on forever.  it just makes me happy b/c it shows that i CAN be consistent with something. it gives me hope that i can also keep this weight loss journey moving without stopping or stalling or setting myself backwards like all of the times in the past. 

considering that, rather than focusing on a multitude of goals next week. i am gonna work on meal planning only.  i want to know what my breakfast, lunch and dinner will be the night before. that's it. 

to the stars, 

uma

loose pants.

"Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about"

i went shopping for pants today. my work pants were literally sliding off of me every other second and i literally had to hold it up with my hands while walking. it was ridiculous, but that's how lose my pants have gotten. ^_^ yay!!! 

it gets better. i went this store that have fairly inexpensive pants, and since i am in transition mode i didn't want to break the bank on pants that i may have to replace (hopefully, fingers crossed) in another three months. right? well usually i get a M-L or L pants as most of their dress pants are pretty tight fitting. Medium hardly goes past my hips....but today they did!! i was super happy and impressed.  

i really feel that the un-obsession with the scale has helped me to focus less on numbers and more on my actions and habits, which is helping me move past the plateau. i think - i will measure Feb 1st, but until then i am going by what the clothes say.  my best friend saw me after like ten days and she noticed a big difference too, which just made me triple happy.  all in all it was a day with concrete results.

on other news, my big toe nail is in major pain, the nail on one side looks bruised.  i think i must have jammed it somewhere or wore my shoes too tight.  it didn't help that i ran with it today either, i just didn't want to lose the momentum. i hope my poor toe is okay :( the last thing i need is a set back.  

final note of the day - i am contemplating a 10k and a half marathon this year.  i am really really really intimidated by anything involving the word "marathon", so i think that's more reason to do it - don't you?  the 10k is in April & the 1/2 marathon is in October, which gives me ample time to train.  however, combined both courses will be close to $200 and i am really trying hard to get debt free among other pressing financial responsibilities.  so i am stumped on where to invest. decisions, decisions, descisions! 

to the stars, 

uma

on the conquest of beauty & more.

"do it for yourself"

i told myself i would journal every day, but sometimes routine becomes cumbersome.  today is one of those days. 


what is important? this is the question that's running through my mind today.  is 120 lbs a superficial goal or is it a goal of substance.  i won't lie, i want to look like a VS Model.  Miranda Kerr & Marisa Miller & Adriana Lima are inspiring to me.  but i wonder if this desire to sculpt the outside, somehow takes away from the inner beauty.  i know this is perhaps that strong and familiar voice within me that says you can never have everything, all at once.  


logically it seems as though you must always sacrifice or lose something to gain something else.  but perhaps the naive part of me wants to think that i will exchange the fat for this amazing fabulous life of "pretty".  will this goal take me to "petty"?  so what is important? i try to tell myself pleadingly that i am not doing this to become physically beautiful, but rather to become more healthy and fit, so that i can live life as an adventure, rather than a slow moving slug.  this makes my efforts seem more honorable and more marketable even.  


so i ask again what is important?  the society around me, beyond me, behind me - through the past and the present worship beauty.  all you have to do is walk into any Shopper's Drug Mart, an entire kiosk and department is dedicated to beauty and it's affiliates.  just flip through any magazine, it doesn't even have to be a fashion magazine - the beautiful and the ugly are clearly differentiated and labelled.  many times it comes to a single factor: size.  fat can never equal beauty.  if it does, it is done in the same way photographers create beauty in poverty, disease, and grief.  it is a charitable effort, if you know what i mean. 


so what is important? clearly, if being beautiful is not honorable, it must be the opposite.  something dark and unwarranted.  we really are good at these labels, how difficult can it get? we really only have two labels.  good and bad. there is no in between. nonetheless, within the answer to this question lies my motives and dissertation.    i need to know to continue this journey more convincingly.  




to the stars, 


uma